Alternative Torture

Hello, Buddha? I was just wondering, you wouldn't happen to have Krishna and Jesus' phone numbers, would you? You do? Could you please pass a message along to them? Actually, while you're at it, maybe send an e-mail out to all your buddies if it's not too much to ask, because HELP ME!

I may not know what it's like to be held in a filthy underground prison for no good reason, my family and friends having no idea what's happened to me, and having various appendages cut off slowly with blunt instruments. However, I have experienced the urban version, albeit for 120 excruciatingly sublime minutes.

The scenario:

It's Friday night, I'm freshly showered and shaved after a good day at work and an invigorating first-swim of the season; I smell lightly of musky aftershave and my hair is still slightly damp when I step out into the crisp evening air. We meet up for the last screening of La Bestia nel Cuore, and she looks ravishing even though she's dressed simply in slacks and a scarf; I stop breathing for a moment when I see her walking up the street towards me. She's seen me waiting, tickets in hand, and her eyes light up; she comes up to me, takes my shoulders and we kiss on the cheeks, three times, the last one lingering a little longer than the ones before. God, she smells heavenly; fresh and sweet, with only the slightest trace of perfume that teases my sanity long after she pulls back. Always elegant and delicate, always refined.

We exchange pleasantries as we walk up the stairs, and she asks if I want anything from the snack bar. I say no (I always carry a little bottle of water with me), but ask if she'd like anything herself. She says no, and we discover that we both prefer experiencing movies without the sound of rustling plastic wrappers and crunching popcorn. I hand the usher our tickets, and we walk towards Cinema 2 where I wait for her to walk through the doors ahead of me. As she does, I have to resist the instinct to lead her by the small of her back, reminding myself that she belongs to someone else. I follow her through into the darkened cinema, but she's stopped and turned around, and when I'm level with her, she takes my arm and we walk through to the top of the stairs, looking for some good seats. I ask where she'd like to sit, and she says for me to choose, so I lead us to some seats two-thirds of the way up from the screen. As she walks along the row of seats, my eyes focus on her wavy brown hair that cascades down to her shoulders and my mind wanders; I imagine what it would be like to gently draw her hair back and brush my lips against that little place behind her ear...

I shake my head slightly, almost as if I'm trying to physically shake those thoughts out of my head. She stops several places short from the centre, which is exactly where I usually sit in cinemas and theatres, and we settle down into the plush generous seats. I check my mobile phones and make sure that they're set to silent as she unwraps herself from her scarf. The theatre fills up quickly as we continue our conversation, mostly catching up on what's been happening in the last week. The lights dim before long and we briefly see some ads for the sponsors of the film festival before the feature begins.

In the solitude of the darkness, I settle down and am pulled in by the movie. Giovanna Mezzogiorno comes on screen and she looks exactly as I remember her from years ago, she's hardly aged at all. Between her and Stefania Rocca (albeit as pale as she was for this movie) I grow increasingly agitated as the movie goes on, and by the time we're treated to a scene involving their bikini-clad selves reclining in the mediterranean sun about three-quarters of the way through, I am fully aroused and intensely conscious of the gorgeous woman sitting next to me. My hormones are raging through my body, and the fingers on my right hand tingle when I think of her own hand, a mere 2 inches away. It takes every fibre of my being to resist bridging those 2 inches, to resist brushing her little finger with mine. Is this the right moment? We've hardly known each other, have I been reading the signs right? Surely, if I was ever going to let her know that she occupies my thoughts day and night, that I want to take her in my arms and make everything right, that this would be the perfect opening. In my state of alertness, I momentarily catch a faint hint of her perfume that quite nearly makes my brain explode. If she took my hand...

I chicken out. The flood of adrenaline abates, and I feel a little less overwhelmed by my need to take her face in my hands and kiss her, completely, passionately; to breathe in her essence as I feel my lips against hers. We come to a light moment in the movie and I shift in my seat as we laugh, adjusting myself discretely; if there's one thing to be thankful for, it's that I am at least spared the humiliation of a pants tent despite the state I've been in. The movie ends shortly and we sit in silence through most of the credits. As the audience thins out, she turns to me and asks if I liked the movie. We gather our things and head up the steps as the lights come on and the seated silhouettes gain faces and characters. I hold the door open for her, and she takes my arm again as we walk through the lobby, down the stairs and into the street. My face feels red as a beet, and I ask if she'd like a coffee to round off the evening. We walk 20 metres down the road to a nice restaurant that I used to frequent several years ago when it had another name, but had only dined at for the first time under its new name just 2 weeks ago. Luckily, the waiter who greets us recognises me (and remembers the large tip I'd left the last time), and promptly gives us an excellent table even though we're only having coffee and possibly dessert.

We have a couple of excellent coffees and complimentary dolci even though we'd declined the dessert menus, and continue our conversation. We never run out of things to say, and our conversations are funny in that we tend to flit from one topic to the next, never really finishing one thought before getting distracted and moving on to the next. We sit for an hour longer than we'd intended to, and I finally (reluctantly) ask if she'd driven here. She hadn't, and I tell her that I'm driving her home. She puts up no resistance, and we continue to talk as I lead her to where I've parked my car.

We get in, I remember to turn down the stereo (which had been set to "anti-eardrum" level) before I start the engine, and replace the Neffa cd with a Bossa-Nova / Música Popular Brasileira one. The drive is not a long one especially with the sparse traffic on the roads, and we're soon stopped outside her place. She thanks me for the lift and for the bellissima serata, then places her left hand on my face, her fingertips reaching behind my ear to pull me in towards her. She kisses my left cheek, and I'm surprised to feel her lips against my skin instead of her cheek. If I hadn't turned bright red earlier in the evening, surely I had now. I say goodbye, watch as she steps out of the car and wait for her to get safely inside before driving off. One final wave goodbye and that's the end of our evening. Now for the long drive home...

Are You Lost?

Kate can tell me that I taste like fish biscuits anytime. Especially when she's wearing that little dress.

All I want for Christmas...

... is my voice back. 2 weeks ago I was commenting on how nice and mellow my voice was getting, how smooth and open my voicebox felt. Now I fluctuate between sounding like I'm on the verge of losing my voice and sounding like I'd just woken up. In fact, my voice breaks when I try to sing in my mid-to-high ranges, or else no sound comes out at all. Other than that, the nice mellow timbre is gone and instead I have a squeaky sound because my voicebox feels tight and constricted, much like how one feels when very nervous. I feel like it's almost a strain to get my voice out. Other than that, I'm starting to feel like I have a lump in my throat (or, as the Czechs would say, I have a dumpling in my throat).

Ah well - all part of the process, I suppose. Which reminds me of a song - if you're in the mood (and have the bandwidth or the cash), check out Part of the Process by Morcheeba. It's an oldie but a goodie.

1 week on Testosterone

God, I can't think about anything other than sex. It's difficult to sit and concentrate for long periods of time, and it certainly brings to me a new meaning to the term "raging hormones".

I wonder if all teenage boys go through this during puberty. Is it as intense as I'm feeling it? Or is it more a gradual, prolonged suffering that they face? I'm starting to understand why most teenaged boys are the dickheads that they are, and I can't really blame them.

On the bright side, I haven't experienced any mood swings or sudden aggression. With the drivers out there on the roads though...

My first shot!

I had my first shot of T today. I know, I should sound a little more excited. The truth is, I don't think I can come up with a sentence that would do justice to the event that may well be the first true step towards me being able to live my life as I want.

Again, it all actually happened a lot faster than I ever imagined it would. On Tuesday, I finally had my second appointment with my endocrinologist Dr.H (it was my own fault that I hadn't gone in to see him earlier) and he said that based on the results of my bloodwork, I was all-clear to start on testosterone. We had a good conversation to clear up the questions I had, and I left with a script for T that I could fill in at any chemist that had stock.

Dr.H was also kind enough to provide me with some information on a mail-order chemist, explaining that some chemists are inquisitive and would be suspicious of the testosterone prescription, as testosterone is not a recognised prescription for women. I hit my first snag when I went into the chemist on the ground floor of the same building (which had been deemed alright). After waiting patiently for an age while an elderly gentleman was given his prescription and a glass of water to take it with, I approached the chemist (himself an elderly gentleman) and handed him the prescription. He looked at it and seemed to study it intently, and I started to get nervous and self-conscious.

He eventually looks up and smiles, saying that I had an unusual prescription. I feared the worst, when he said that he only had in stock a different dosage that Dr.H usually uses. What a relief! He apologised, and asked if he should order the appropriate stuff in for me, which I declined. Anyway, I thought that that was a good introduction to the potentially awkward position of picking up T at the chemists - heck, if an elderly old-fashioned guy like the chemist can be understanding about it, it would probably be not as awkward as I'd imagined.

Anyway, I managed to fill the script at a different chemist later that day (again, they were very nice and friendly, and did well to make me feel at ease, almost as if I was just picking up some aspirin) but couldn't get in to see my GP till today. In fact, I was half tempted to cancel the appointment - I'd had a VERY full schedule today starting at 8 in the morning, and one of my first few appointments had run long and so, like a stack of dominos, I was running about 15 minutes behind with everything. Luckily, my GP Dr.L swapped my appointment with the one right after since the lady was already in the waiting room, so I managed to rock up "just in time".

Anyway, to cut to the chase, I got the shot. On my ass. On the right side if anyone wants to know. apparently we'll be alternating sides each time to allow for healing. I hardly felt the shot at all, but the area started to become a little sore later in the day, I assume from the deposit of oily hormones.

So finally, I'll be getting started on my T-Journal. I've also made a post in there about the specifics of my prescription and starting point, just as a first post. Check it out if you're interested.

Posted in hormones, transition, website

Become a better rider every day

What a day, what a day. Spent the whole day at a rider training course, and came home with mixed feelings. After all the scrambling I'd done yesterday, things didn't go so smoothly and I had to spend an extra $150 out of pocket today because I was careless about having a good look over my bike. Add to that the fact that I picked up a fucking nail in my rear tire somewhere on the way home.

Anyway, I had fun on the course - learnt a few things that'll make me a better rider. But more importantly, I came into personal contact with some idiots that really drummed into me the importance of riding safe out there. You know the types - the middle-aged asswipe who thinks he knows everything and just keeps doing what he's doing (don't ask me why he's at the course) until the day he wraps his bike around a tree. And at the other end - the neurotic chick who's doing the course just because her boyfriend thinks she should, and is riding a machine that's just way too much for her to handle because he said so. Needless to say, after the day was over, I waited a good while after they'd left and had a cool drink with some new friends before heading out onto the roads myself.

Anyway, the good news is that I learnt some things about myself and my riding techniques today. I've realised that I've "mellowed out" in the recent past. I always expect the worst from everyone else on the road and prepare accordingly, but now I don't get as agro when people act like real idiots and endanger my life out there. I'm more willing to leave a longer buffer space in front of me despite some drivers taking it as an open invitation to squeeze in. So what if my trip takes an extra 5 minutes? I wouldn't trade a leg and collarbone for those 5 minutes. Other than that, the only things I've really got to work on is to stop riding the clutch so much - both in the car and on the bike - as well as to tone down on the engine braking. It's all fine and dandy when there's no one behind me, but recently I've been using engine braking even when there are cars behind me just out of habit. Yeah, I know, real stupid. There's a reason for brake lights on a bike.

Anyway, I got through the course today with a perfect score. Now all I gotta make sure about is that I get a perfect score out there on the roads as well.

If only I looked as good in the helmet

Posted in motorcycle

First visit to the Endocrinologist

Had my first visit to see Dr.H, my endocrinologist. He was certainly a lot nicer than I'd imagined, although I'm not sure why I'd imagined a stuffy old strictly-facts type in the first place. Well, I suppose his waiting-room (well, the waiting room he shares with his other colleagues in Bondi Junction) doesn't help - lots of nice art pieces, but the receptionists were a little cold and harried for my liking.

My appointment was made for 3.10pm, but he saw me 5 minutes early. Nothing spectacular, but I'm used to waiting half an hour for doctors' appointments. I'm starting to realise that specialists are a different breed altogether. He asked a lot of casual questions, trying to build a rapport and made pleasant chit-chat. He made sure I knew what I was getting into, and gave me some reading material for the next visit while I asked him about some minor questions that I had. In any case, he was very attentive with all the facts of my medical history that I thought were relevant, and in general, I'm very happy to have him as my endocrinologist.

After a short exam (height, weight, and a quick exam of my abdomen) he sent me off to get my bloodwork done. I will see him again in 2 weeks, at which point if nothing unusual comes back in the results, I will receive my first dose of testosterone. The way we will be approaching it will be to start off with a low dose of 100mg (I can't remember if he mentioned enanthate, propionate or cypionate) every 2 weeks and gradually work our way up to a higher dose.

Posted in hormones

Book review: Middlesex

Post about the book

The Green Light!!!

The last time I posted I was a little bummed about the whole "starting transition" process. Based on the many stories I'd heard and the information both given to me and out there on the internet, I was starting to worry that it would take forever to start on T and get going on starting this new phase of life. Those of you who've read my blog from the beginning will know that I'm sort of in a "transition stage" with the whole career thing. I don't want to have to go through this major change while in the workplace, or to be forced to deal with being openly transsexual in the field I work in, as I'm not sure of how well the idea will be accepted. Therefore, I was hoping to get some headway in the transition process before starting my proper career, and am simply enjoying life/paying the bills with part-time work at a friend's shop and coaching in the meantime.

By the way, that picture at the top is how a lot of people feel about their situation with starting T.

Anyway, this is what happened to me. On the 5th of July I'd gotten a list of GPs and psychiatrists who are trans-friendly when I went in to see Gaye the counsellor at the Gender Centre. 3 weeks later saw me griping about how no one was taking in new patients or had an available appointment for ages except for one Dr.T who would charge $200 per session (of which Medicare members would get $120 back, but I'm with Medibank and am not sure what I'd recover from them). Gaye recommended that I call a Dr.P who is based in Wollongong but comes in to Sydney twice a week, and later that day, Dr. Hansen returned my call and recommended him as well.

So I call Dr.P and leave a message on the machine, and he was really nice to return my call after hours that same day. We scheduled a session for his next available slot on the 28th of August, a whole 5 weeks from then! Also, he said that he'd charge the minimum required by Medicare at $151.40, which was fine by me.

Fast forward 5 weeks and it's Sunday night, I'm telling myself that I have to get to bed so that I'll be ready for an early start to a long day. I kept getting a dread feeling that I shouldn't get exceited, that I'd only be made to wait even longer to start on T. I silently cursed myself for being in counselling for so long before moving on to seeing a psych, and wondered if I should stop putting my working career on hold and just hope for the best.

The next morning I get to Dr.P's office in the city 15 minutes early and give my bike a loving pat for getting me out of the parking headache in Sydney. I find Dr.P to be an extremely pleasant man in appearance and demeanour, a soft-spoken and articulate gentleman through and through. We have a very pleasant hour, during which we talk about my family, background, the discussions I've had with Gaye and other general personal information. At the end he suddenly tells me that he's heard enough and in his professional opinion, he would be able to write me a referral to an endocrinologist in good conscience. My eyes must have been as wide as dinnerplates, as I'd anticipated having to see him maybe once or twice more in the span of 3 months before getting that referral!

Anyway, I have 20 minutes between leaving Dr.P in the city and getting in to the Gender Centre in Petersham. I get there in good time (how I love my bike!) despite nearly getting killed by an idiot driving a van (who just shrugged his shoulders when I squeezed in next to him and rapped on his window to shake my fist at him). Anyway, long story short, I tell Gaye that I've gotten the green light from Dr.P to see a Dr.H who is based in Bondi Junction. We later bump into D, a fellow trans-boi I've written about before, and he says that he had an excellent experience with Dr.H, so I'm happy about that. I asked if anyone knew what the waiting period would be like to get an appointment, and no one knew. I wasn't looking forward to another 5-week wait after the shock of that morning.

The second shock was soon to come. I rang up the office of Dr.H on Thursday and was surprised to be given an appointment for next Wednesday, a mere 6 days from then! That was certainly unexpected! So I could be seeing my first dose of T very very soon! I'm obviously looking forward to the day, although I'm not quite sure what to expect from it. The other piece of information that D gave me was that Dr.H only requires his first-time patients to take their tops off, while a lot of other endocrinologists require their first-time patients to take both their tops and bottoms off.

So that's what been going on for me in the past few weeks, and that's what I'll be looking forward to this coming week. I'm sure I could've said it an a lot less words instead of such a long rambling post. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Posted in transition, hormones, counselling, Gender-Centre, trans-friends

Spring is in the air!

Well, we've officially seen the first day of spring, and we couldn't see a more perfect start to the new cycle of the seasons. The flowers are already in full bloom, the weather's just perfect to spend the day outdoors, and the bees are hard at work doing what they do best.

I've been living my weeks walking around in a daze, surrounded by a haze of puppy love. Or at least that's what it feels like. My thoughts are consumed entirely by her, my hours are filled with thoughts of how wonderful it would be the next time we see each other. *sigh* To be young and in love during the season of young love... how cliché. I think there's even a slight spring in my step despite the the now full-blown rider's swagger that I've unfortunately developed.

The other big news from me is that I've been given the official green light to start with hormone therapy!!! It's pretty big news, so I thought I'd keep it in a separate post for the sake of being organised.

The only low point in the past few weeks was falling really sick a week-and-a-half ago, with the flu. Now I consider myself pretty tough when it comes to handling ailments and injuries, but this one hit me like a ton of bricks. I'd felt a little "off" all that day, but figured that I was just coming down with a cold, so I kept drinking lots of fluids and keeping myself warm to keep it under control. Then at about 10.30 that night, while I was home alone, my temperature suddenly spiked, my sinuses blocked up completely and my glands around my neck swelled up uncomfortably. Now, I usually avoid taking any kind of medication as much as possible, but I figured now would be a good time to look through the tons of pills and ointments that my dad packs for me every other year or so when I see my parents.

Anyway, apart from the delirious fever and general discomfort of simultaneously not being able to breathe through my nose while trying to nurse a sore throat, what really got to me was the partial loss of hearing I experienced (and am still recovering from!) from having blocked ears. What really got to my parents was the fact that I'd nearly completely lost my voice for a couple of days, which made it difficult for me to convince them that I wasn't dying from some super-flu or meningococcal virus.

The nice part of all of this was that I got to stay home and watch DVDs all day in between of falling in-and-out of sleep, while trying to respond to all the sms-es coming through on both mobiles phones. I managed to get up-to-date on every season of Arrested Development (hilarious! Almost as good as Curb Your Enthusiasm), House and Scrubs, so that was fun. Heck, if you're going to be quarantined from all human contact with a highly contagious virus, there's no better way to spend it than soup and DVDs, is there?

Posted in oats, ala-mode

T.a.g-board Spamm getting Out-of-Hand

Damned t.a.g-board! Had to clear it up and lost a whole bunch of messages that used to be on it. *insert angry fuming emoticon here*

Posted in website

Sunset Crush

No, it's not the name of a tropical cocktail.

You know how they say that going through T is like going through puberty all over again? I may not have that prescription in my hot little hand just yet, but I *am* going through another delightful/unfortunate aspect of those pubescent years - I have a crush on my teacher! lol

To clarify: I'd finally decided on taking an advanced Italian course after discovering that I'd probably go nuts halfway through Beginners Portuguese. I really feel for these teachers who have to teach a new language to people who've not only spoken nothing but English their whole lives, but were not taught grammar in school.

But back to the topic at hand. I miss the first week, then turn up a little late for class only to discover that a lady was teaching the class instead of the bloke I'd thought was taking it. I walked in, slightly nervous about the fact that I'm 5 years out of practice, only to discover that these people all knew each other from doing the previous courses together. Great.

Anyway, I quickly got into it, and once I became less nervous, I started realising how attractive our teacher is! I guess it was the prime recipe for trouble: European, early thirties (I'd guess), vivacious, funny without being intimidating. Plus, there was no ring on that finger, which is always a good thing I suppose. Besides, being the new person in class, she'd been a little more attentive with asking questions, and picking up on little details to push along the casual discussions within the class.

So there I was, halfway through Day 1 and I couldn't believe that I had a high-school crush. The only difference is that I'm in a better position in relation to the object of my crush. This can be a good or a bad thing, depending on how you look at it. On the one hand, there is nothing wierd/futile/wrong with pursuing/fulfilling the crush. On the other hand, it does make it a lot easier for me to make a fool of myself.

And these are the exact thoughts that run through my head for the final half hour of the class. Class finally ends, and I get my stuff together as everyone else files out. She immediately comes over and asks me how I found the class. She quickly refutes my stammering excuses and says that I'm very good and may be the best student in the class once I settle down. We talk a little about things, and I say that I have to go as I'm meeting people for dinner at a new nearby Italian place(which was true). She lights up at this, and long story short, we agree that she could join us some other time with a little notice. At this point, I'm terrified at the fact that all the blood in my body has rushed to my face and that it may actually be visible even under my tanned skin. I get my things and go, thankful that the one physical advantage I have over bio-men is the fact that it's not all that obvious to the rest of the world when certain thoughts enter my head. *ahem*

I guess we'll see how the next class goes before I can decide on whether this is all in my head...

Posted in oats, personal

Back from the Dead

Oh, it's been a while since the last post. So much has happened, so many notes I'd quickly jotted down in my organiser that I'd thought I'd post here about. And as most of you who blog would know, now that the passion, the here-and-now emotions are no longer fresh in mind, I don't know if I can do justice to reporting these events.

I guess the most important issue the last time I posted was about getting that referral. I did end up getting the referral, but the only doc who could see me at a decent date would end up costing me $80 a visit (this is after my insurance reimburses me $120) so I refused to throw money away like that and opted for a doc that was

i. decent enough to return my phone call
ii. came recommended by my counsellor, and
iii. was recommended by another doc who wasn't taking anymore new patients.

He sounded very nice and caring on the phone, I think I made the right decision in making my appointment with him (on the 28th of August!!!) even if it did mean waiting longer and having to drive a little further out of my way to get there.

In other news, my social calendar has suddenly become pure lunacy. Every time I go out with one group of friends, I end up meeting new people, and going out with these people meets me more new friends... multiply this with the many circles of friends that I maintain, and the result is not only practically all weekends booked up till Christmas, but also having to meet my closest friends at such odd times as "brunch on Tuesday" on a regular basis. The only one to really suffer is poor little Sasha, who has been left at home by herself a little more than usual these last weeks.

So that wraps up my "Back from the Dead" post for the moment, I'm thinking I'll go check out why the text isn't appearing in some of my earlier posts until I actually highlight it, at which point some characters appear (sometimes briefly) and others take their own sweet time making their grand entrance.

Posted in transition, ala-mode, the-tribe

Extracurricular activities

I've decided to enrol in a class or two to either brush up on certain skills that I used to have (e.g. playing the guitar, drums or piano, singing, judo, working with glass, ballroom dance or language classes) or to pick up some new skills (e.g. life drawing, a new sport, swing dance or a new language). Going through the list, I've eliminated the following:

guitar, drums and piano: since all I have to do is practice on my own to "shake off the rust". Besides, I'd just sold my drums and don't have a piano. *sniff*

singing: because it's lame. Heh, no, I figured that I'd consider it when my voice starts changing due to T, it'll probably come to better use then.

judo: I'm already trying to recover from current injuries. I might wait until my muscles can provide my problem joints a little more support before hitting the mat again.

glass: Too expensive for too little results. I'm starting to think about potential costs for T and surgery, so maybe it's a good time to start being a little more careful about money.

ballroom and swing dance: Don't have no one to go with. :( Besides, it may be a little easier for the instructor to understand that I want the guy's part once I'm a little ways into T.

life drawing: Or any drawing for that matter. I picked up a book from a library and am learning from that (with much success I might add) so why pay someone to do the same thing?

a new sport: see judo.

So that pretty much left language classes. I'll either brush up on Italian or Russian, or take up Portuguese. I've enquired at one of the places that I know and they're ok with me checking out the appropriate level classes before settling on one, which is nice. First stop: Beginner's Portuguese.

Posted in personal

Call for Berocca

So, tomorrow's the next session with the counsellor, and tomorrow's the day I will come home with that referral. Have also been bumping into people I haven't seen in AGES, so that's been very nice.

Not in the mood to post in-depth today, but I'm sure I'll have lots to talk about late tomorrow. A bientot!

Posted in counselling

Deadlines

Deadlines, deadlines! Will have to bite the bullet tomorrow.

Posted in website

It is better to have loved and lost...

... than to have never loved at all. Someone said this to me 4 years ago and I promptly smacked him upside the head, then proceeded to explain relentlessly why I disagreed with him. How could anyone ever wish to experience the excruciating pain of having to let go of the love of your life? The indescribable pain that goes right through you, that makes your heart clench tightly and makes you feel like your chest is about to collapse on itself. The pain that makes you want to curl up into a tight ball and never face the world again? The pain that makes you truly understand the poetry of the terms "heartbreak" and "drowning in despair"?

4 years on, I find myself agreeing that it *is* indeed better to have love and lost than to never have experienced the miracle of true love. The feeling of being "on top of the world", the slight terror of doubt that your heart could possibly keep from bursting with amour. The absurdity of the fact that you could find one little freckle so fascinating, and the certainty that you would do anything to make her smile.

For me, it truly was the summer of love. We'd just rung in the new millennium, I'd just moved overseas and out of home, and I was in the best shape of my life. Our paths had crossed for a brief moment a few months prior, and neither one had even thought twice of it. However, fate threw us together again, in another millennium and on another continent, and we both knew straight away that we had met the love of our lives.

At face value we were as different as night and day - me dark-skinned, dark-haired, serious and logical, she fair, blonde, happy-go-lucky and superstitious. But the more layers you peeled back you'd see that we were more and more the same person. What more could you want in a person you'd spend the rest of your life with? Her gioia di vivere and talent for la vita bella opened up a whole new world to me, while my more sensible approach kept her grounded and productive. The year we enjoyed together changed our lives forever; she had the best season of her career, finding herself among the best in the world, and I had my eyes forever opened to the beauty around me, in every sense of the word.

We had to eventually give in to the fact that life simply had different paths to take us, that being physically apart for 6 months at a time was just too much to bear. Although we'd officially called it quits, neither could come to terms with the idea that our grande storia d'amore had ended until about a year after. Only more than 2 years later could we begin to fully enjoy each other's friendship without heart-wrenching thoughts of "if only" and "what if".

So now at the veteran age of 25 I ask, having loved and lost, will there ever be a greater love in my life? Or in this case, will I have a new greatest love in my new life...

Lovers under Il Ponte Rialto, photo by Jeff Booth

Posted in personal, sexuality, oats

The Tribe has spoken...

... you are the Weakest Link. (Am I mixing up game shows here?)

Ok, I'm being mean. Nikki wasn't kicked out, she was let go of with much sorrow and heartbreak. And so the Tribe is down to 2 active members.

Because I moved to a 1-bedroom apartment from a shared house with a big backyard, I've had to think about giving poor Nikki away for adoption. Being a Beagle, she's very high-energy and needs space to run around, so it isn't exactly fair to have her in the apartment especially during the colder months when we can't be outdoors too much.

Nikki under the doona when she was younger
The problem was that I didn't want to give her to just anyone. I needed to be sure that her new family would treat her with as much care and pay as much attention to her as she's used to. I can't stand families that just have the dog in the back yard for the sake of having a dog, and pay little attention to it. Both the little ones sleep in bed with me (even when there's *ahem* company over) and we all wake up in a tangle of limbs in the morning, so I couldn't imagine what it would be like for her to be kept outdoors permanently.

Anyway, the answer came when a good friend of mine had to put her family beagle down due to old age. They have a big back yard, they're used to beagles, my friend goes running every day, and they have someone home nearly all the time because her mum doesn't work! Also, they're a warm caring family and had already noticed a hundred little things about Nikki's personality in a couple of days.

So Nikki's got a new home and is better off for it. Now I've got to resist the urge to visit every weekend!


Sasha misses Nikki already.
(Sorry for the mess of wires behind her head!)

Posted in the-tribe

Oh, and...

What I'd give to get a jawline like that! (see post below) Let's see if anyone has any tips online!

Eta: The general consensus seems to be that it's up to genetics and body fat levels to determine one's jawline. And then of course there's cosmetic surgery involving jaw implants. The other school of thought is that doing facial exercises will tone and slightly alter the various features on your face, with allegations that it's common practice among actors. Not surprisingly, the only people claiming this are companies selling products.

In any case, I've got fairly fabulous cheekbones and jaw structure (the barf bags are over there, thank you) so the combination of lowered body fat and testosterone will hopefully render a satisfactory result. Then again, can't hurt to start chewing rubber bands. Will post pics soon after getting that first dose!

Head of Hair

So, I finally got a haircut. For those of you who don't already know, about 2 1/2 years ago, I lost my mind and put my hair into dreadlocks. Summer came, summer went, and not being able to run my finers through my hair started to drive me nuts, so about 18 months later, I cut them all off and ended up with the shortest hair I've ever had, about 2-3 inches long all over.

I've had a year to grow out my hair, and it's grown to the longest I've ever had it (my hair grows out pretty fast, don't ask me what's in the water), which was really starting to bug me. Being sporty and rolling around the grass/sand with your dogs means washing your hair a lot, and with thick wavy hair like mine, washing and drying it was a real pain. The reason I've let it frow this long is so that I can get a proper cut, instead of having it too short in places.

So anyway, I finally got my haircut today while out picking up my new amp, and I'm so glad I did! The lady asked what sort of haircut I wanted, and I described it to her as best as I could - back to just shoulder-length and layered, sides cut to just tuck behind my ears, with an undercut near the front. She then asked if I had any photos of what I wanted, and I thought, "Damn, I couldn't think of anyone with exactly what I wanted," and then it hit me! Francesco Totti when he used to have his wavy mane of hair! Thank God I had an Italian lady cutting my hair, she immediately knew what I was talking about and cut it perfectly. And thank God for World Cup fever, else I don't think he would have come to my mind!

So the main thing today was, I had the guts to ask for a haircut which has obviously male stylings. The lady didn't bat an eye, keeping a professional attitude (if you don't count our eyebrow-raising conversation) and doing what I wanted instead of offering alternatives and discouraging comments, etc. I'm going to try a place a little closer to home the next time I get a haircut, and if they don't get it right, she may just have gained a new regular!

My parting gift to you: a couple of pictures of Francesco with my haircut! =)

Posted in transition, new-id

Duke of my Dreams

The last couple of weeks have been cold and rainy, but as expected, it's turned warmer and sunny this last week. Experts predict a mild winter for us in Oz, which has brought back thoughts of zipping through the countryside on my bike, enjoying the splashes of red, orange and gold that line the country roads.

Now that I've left you with that image, I might introduce you to the Duke of my dreams. No no, I do not harbour secret feelings of love for a member of the male species, but rather feelings of lust for a little Monster:

Red with Black Stripe
The Ducati Monster S4R, in all its naked glory. Nothing in my mind will ever match the stylings of the monster, and I hope that Ducati never stops producing them. Try as you might, I'll never give up the compact, street-fighter feel of the Monsters for the laid-back ease of the low rider or the fairings of a CBR. Besides, it'd go so well with a nice Italian leather jacket. :)

While I'm at this, I might mention that the good man that he is, Ethan Niko's set up a trans-men's Motorcycle Club based in Australia (but all are welcome to join) on Yahoo! Groups called FTM Grease Monkeys. It's only just started and is still pretty small, but I hope it'll take off and maybe we'll organise a ride to kick off the summer!


Blue with White Stripe
Posted in motorcycle

I can see the starting line!

Yes, I know the saying is "finish line" and not starting line, but then it wouldn't make all that much sense now, would it?

So the last counselling session at The Gender Centre was pretty much a waste of time and left me in a bit of a funk three weeks back, making me feel like I'm going nowhere with this. It was such a let-down that I didn't know what to expect from today's session. However, it turned out infinitely better than the last time, and it looks like I'll soon be getting an official green light to move on with things! More specifically, I feel that I'm getting close to getting that all-important presciption for T - that precious Essence of Man (eeewwww!!!). Just a couple more hoops to jump through!

Rant: What is it with the world nowadays and processes? I mean, I'm an engineer so I understand the importance of protocol and processes, but are we taking things too far? Are we expecting such high safety standards that we expend too many resources and put things on hold for too long? Recently we had 2 coal miners trapped underground when a part of a coal mine in Tasmania collapsed. Both men escaped none the worse for wear, but the furor over the incident was embarassing. These 2 men weren't heroes, they were just lucky that they were in a reinforced cage-like structure during the collapse. While they were underground, they were supplied plenty of food, protection from the cold and harmful gasses, and even luxury items such as chocolate, beer and mp3 players! Now the mine will be shut down and repercussions will be felt across mines all over the country. It's a fuckin' coal mine! Danger is a part of the job! Are we that surprised that this happened?!

Tying this back to the topic, us trans-people are made to jump through so many hoops because of the few who were either dumb enough transition without thinking it through, or couldn't take the responsibility for being in a difficult situation and chose to point fingers instead. Is it really the health care professional's fault that the person regretted undergoing hormone therapy/surgery? How much caution must the psych take in determining whether a candidate is lying or unsure about the things s/he says?

Once again, the masses pay for the mistakes of a few.

Posted in counselling, transition, rant

Tags

I've just put tags on all the back posts and will be using them from now. I was thinking of using del.icio.us and technorati to organise them, but didn't like the fact that my tags would be stored on a different server, as well as the fact that users would have to browse to an external website in the course of surfing through the categories, so I've kept it in-house and gotten rid of the tags that were on here before.

Posted in website

Pets n Vets

Ok, so my little bubba Sasha had knee surgery a year ago because her knee-cap kept popping out of place, due to her genetic predisposition to having a shallow groove where it's supposed to sit, as well as the fact that she's a little bow-legged in her hind legs. She was only 2 years old at that point so it wasn't really bothering her, but she'd have to sort of kick her leg back increasingly to get the knee-cap back into place. Not wanting her to develop arthritis over the years due to the abrasion this would cause, I shelled out the $2k required to surgically correct this.

Now, a few months ago, I noticed that she'd started limping on that same leg. This worried me, because it had only been about 6 months since the surgery and I had a strong feeling that something was not right. So I took her back to the vet, who said that she may have jarred it and caused some soft-tissue damage, gave us some anti-inflammatories and told me to keep an eye on her. Things didn't change, although she limped more one some days than others, and the vet maintained that everything was in place and that she probably just needed some time to recover.

Fast forward to 2 days ago, when I finally had enough of the situation and demanded that the vet take the case a little more seriously. I felt that he'd thought that Sash was just a whiny dog and me an overzealous owner, which I can understand from his point of view considering the types of young owners he often sees. However, he should have believed me when I'd said that she's a very bright, cheerful girl who never complains about anything, and we're so close that we know what the other's going to do before either one even moves a muscle. My fears were confirmed when he finally admitted that the best shot would be to have the pins and wire removed from her knee since they'd already served their purpose, and see how she goes. He admitted her immediately and performed the surgery the same afternoon. I should also add that he quickly got me to sign the waiver including a paragraph at the bottom stating that I would pay about 800 bucks for the surgery.

I called in in the late afternoon and asked how it went - the guy left another vet to handle the call (there are 3 vets there, all of whom I'm familiar with and 2 of whom I'm not-so-fond of. Unfortunately, the same 2 vets are the most senior and very experiences vets) and she told me that the tension band in her knee would definitely have been causing her discomfort because it was too tight and had started CUTTING INTO the bone! She recovered quickly from the aenesthetic, so we got to pick her up before closing time. The poor girl was so happy to see us despite her bald leg (which looked really funny since she's a little shaggy dog) and we had to be really careful to get her not to jump around on her leg.

Anyway, she's been so active these last 2 days it's not funny. I'd thought that she'd gotten lazy in the recent months, as she'd been a little less eager for her walks, and had gotten tired a lot quicker on our daily jaunts. I'd tease her about struggling to get her fat bottom (which really wasn't fat at all) up the stairs, and now I feel HORRIBLE about not having pressured the vet to do this sooner. The poor dear's been so frisky and playful since coming home, it warms my heart to see her back to her familiar self, yet I'm heartbroken to think that she'd been suffering all this time while keeping a brave face.

So anyway, today's little Sasha's birthday, and her $800 birthday present is her poor little leg working all better again. Now if only my wallet felt a little better...

The tribe: Sasha (left) and Nikki

Posted in the-tribe, rant

Blogger's Block

There are so many things I want to write about on here! I just can't bring myself to sit down and write it... maybe at the end of the week when I'll finally be done with this damned project.

One thing I can write about right now is my new nickname (hee! Get it? Nick. Name.) that I've been christened with. You'll probably have seen it all over this page by now, and I absolutely love it! Nickles! Hee!

I am starting to get used to the idea of my outside matching my inside (even though it isn't totally happening yet), and I really find the idea quite tittilating. It helps though with the fat-loss and big gain in strength (which reminds me, I really have to update my damn "healthy lifestyle" blog too!), and I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel my "inner structure" and "inner image" more now than my actual external self. It's scary sometimes, sort of like stepping out of a cave you've been living in to find yourself suddenly exposed to a wide-open field in the bright sunshine. It's beautiful, but it's scary and strange at the same time. I get more and more frequent "glimpses" of this feeling nowadays.

ETA: Now I just gotta get past those damn "nickle n dime" jokes.

Posted in new-id, personal, ala-mode

Treading Water

Nowhere,

      I'm going around in circles.

A blabbering idiot.

Posted in ala-mode

The 10 Most Damaging Myths about Transmen and FTMs

From True Spirit 99:

10. All FTMs come from the lesbian community, and after transition are heterosexual. (That is, attracted to women.)

9. Transsexualism/transgenderism can be "cured" by psychotherapy. Transsexual men are really just lesbians.

8. FTMs did not exist until after World War II, with the advent of hormone therapy and sex reassignment surgery.

7. Female-to-Males are far rarer than Male-to-Female transsexuals.

6. Transmen seek to live as and be recognized as male in order to obtain male privilege and economic advantages.

5. All transmen exhibit stereotypically male behavior and want to be as macho as possible.

4. Taking testosterone makes Female-to-Male transsexuals much more aggressive and angry than they were before taking hormones.

3. All FTMs want genital reconstruction as the driving force of their transition, not necessarily the social aspects that go along with masculinity.

2. Historically, all women only chose to live as men to pursue careers that were otherwise unattainable to them, to seek economic opportunities, or to justify lesbian relationships.

1. Transmen are really just butch lesbians who change sex to justify same-sex relationships or to avoid harassment.

Posted in rant

Numerology (Part II)

In adopting these new energies/vibrations, they will add to those already with me from my original birth date and names, i.e. the energies/vibrations from my original birth date/names will always stay with me. When changing one's name, it is important to honestly consider one's strengths and weaknesses - this way, it may be possible to successfully alter a name to be consistent with one's natural stengths and weaknesses and thus create more harmony in one's lives.

[ Geez, sounds flaky doesn't it. I promise, I'm not a flaky person. My name isn't Dharma and I don't live life as dictated by ideas such as feng sui and biorhythms and energies, but I do take them into consideration where it doesn't cause too much inconvenience. Being an engineer/physiscist, I do believe in the law of conservation of energy, so it's only natural to apply this rule to the spiritual world, i.e. everything that's ever existed got its energy from somewhere and left its own mark on those energies, releasing them in a new form when it ceased to exist materially. =) ]

New "birth date" and names:

Birth Path: Shows the opportunities present from birth that a person can use to express themselves. Often looked at as the vibration that describes the attributes of the type of career a person can successfully undertake. It is the road or path that is set and unchangeable for the person to take and complements the wisdom and experience from the total birth name.

I wasn't sure which date to use, the day I'd first gone to see a counsellor and took my first step towards being "my new self", or perhaps the day I finally get the green light from the psychiatrist for my T prescription, or even the day I receive my first dose of T. I suppose that it's going to be a future date, I could manipulate things and choose an auspicious day to do it.

First name: Represents the key to the character. It is the personal and physical side to how you perceive and carry yourself.

Nicolas

28 Keywords: Leader and Organiser (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): A born leader with great organising abilities. Abundantly self-confident; must guard against exaggeration and extravagance. 1 Keywords: Independant, Original, Pioneer and Leader (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A self-reliant person with strong leadership qualities. An original thinker who appears strong-minded; an ideas person.

Middle names: Represent the inner secret self and shows as emotions. It is part of the character that sets the tone for how one reacts to situations.

Aleksander

45 Keywords: Dedicated and Benevolent (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): A person who is completely unique and uncompromising. They let nothing get in the way once they are convinced of something. 9 Keywords: Compassion, Wise, Humanitarian and Completion (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A person with high ideals who feels for others and responds in considerate compassionate ways. Seem wiser than their years. Compelled to complete projects.

Lucius

22 Keywords: Builder, Balance and Strength (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): A master vibration that gives this person a strong desire to make or build, not only materially but ideally. Has determined strength to follow through with projects. Recognition is often given, due to their success. 4 Keywords: Organised, Practical, Hard Worker and Disciplined (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A serious and structured person. Approaches life in a practical way; often thought of as down-to-earth.

Aleksander Lucius

67 Keywords: Realist and Logical (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): These people are aware of their capabilities and know how to juggle responsibility with self-needs. Normally operate from a logical point of view. 4 Keywords: Organised, Practical, Hard Worker and Disciplined (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A serious and structured person. Approaches life in a practical way; often thought of as down-to-earth.

Last name: Represents the contemplative self. It is how you seize life and use your intellect to navigate your way through life, and drives your thinking process.

Mariusz

35 Keywords: Ambitious and Resourceful (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): This person sees possibilities for success in almost everything. Has a natural ability to use contacts for linking up and making things happen. 8 Keywords: Power & Success, Ambition, Authority and Give & Receive (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): This person can be extremely competitive witha desire to have power and to succeed. The key is giving and receiving in balanced measure.

Full name: The true vibrational energies that were brought into this life.

Nicolas Aleksander Lucius Mariusz

130 -> 13 Keywords: Transformer and Disciplined (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): A karmic vibration that requires the person to be orderly and disciplined. Often such a person is either a workaholic or extremely lazy until they learn to transform and balance in a creative way. 4 Keywords: Organised, Practical, Hard Worker and Disciplined (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A serious and structured person. Approaches life in a practical way; often thought of as down-to-earth.

Vowels: Reveal the inner disposition or individualism. This can be likened to the inner motor that drives and compels a person to be an individual, separate and different.

56 Keywords: Ambassador and Judge A person with good intuition and insight who can assist others to their right path or decision. Can see both sides of a situation, which makes an excellent judge.

Consonants: Reveal the personality. This can be likened to a mask, not necessarily a true picture of the character; however, it is how people describe you as this is what you show to others.

74 Keywords: Virtuous and Analytical A candid person, often lacking in tact. Can be extremely analytical; often over-critical. Has a magnetic attraction -- people either love or dislike this person. Honours are often bestowed on them.

Pathway: The map we wish we were born with. Often not realised until a person is more mature (approx. 45 to 58 years old).

Also depends on the "birthdate", so I guess it'll have to wait.

Missing numbers: Indicate the particular energies that need to be worked on and/or overcome to be more balanced.

6 Keywords: Responsible, Honest, Love and Home & Family A person who is honest and trustworthy. Has a tendency to take on responsibility without thinking of the consequences. 7 Keywords: Thinker, Refined, Perfectionist and Quiet (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): An observant person who enjoys contemplative pursuits. Often thought of as dignified and reserved. Looks for perfection in all situations and people.

Posted in personal, new-id

Numerology (Part I)

In trying to pick and figure out the best way to pick a new name, I did a numerology analysis of both my birth date/names, as well as on the shortlist of new names and my "new birthdate". Here's what came up:

Original birth date and names:

Birth Path: Shows the opportunities present from birth that a person can use to express themselves. Often looked at as the vibration that describes the attributes of the type of career a person can successfully undertake. It is the road or path that is set and unchangeable for the person to take and complements the wisdom and experience from the total birth name.

6 The Provider Enjoys health and healing; involved with social issues.

First name: Represents the key to the character. It is the personal and physical side to how you perceive and carry yourself.

33 Keywords: Teacher and Counsellor (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): A master energy that will have the opportunity to reach many. Creative in their approach. Teaching and counselling come naturally, but they must learn to detach. 6 Keywords: Responsible, Honest, Love and Home & Family (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A person who is honest and trustworthy. Has a tendency to take on responsibility without thinking of the consequences.

Middle name: Represents the inner secret self and shows as emotions. It is part of the character that sets the tone for how one reacts to situations.

46 Keywords: Affluent and Resolute (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): These people appear well-to-do, often attracting abundance. They stand up for themselves, having the courage of convictions of self and others. 1 Keywords: Independant, Original, Pioneer and Leader (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A self-reliant person with strong leadership qualities. An original thinker who appears strong-minded; an ideas person.

Last name: Represents the contemplative self. It is how you seize life and use your intellect to navigate your way through life, and drives your thinking process.

23 Keywords: Adventurer and Innovative (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): A person with a sense of change and adventure. Sensitive to outer energies and able to see possibilities in situations. 5 Keywords: Carefree, Curious, Freedom and Change (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A carefree, happy-go-lucky type ruled by the five senses. Curious by nature, always ready for a new experience.

Full name: The true vibrational energies that were brought into this life.

102 -> 12 Keywords: Inventive and Crusader (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): A leader with high ideals and a keen mind to solve problems. Can appear restless, with nervous energies. Enjoys socialising. 3 Keywords: Creative, Charmer, Expressive and Communicator (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A person with a versatile flair for creating. Can be shy when young. Must take care not to become scattered. Excellent at communication in oral or written skills. Great salesperson.

Vowels: Reveal the inner disposition or individualism. This can be likened to the inner motor that drives and compels a person to be an individual, separate and different.

38 Keywords: Mediator and Storyteller A person with great imagination and quick wit, excellent storyteller and negotiator. Often the centre of activity.

Consonants: Reveal the personality. This can be likened to a mask, not necessarily a true picture of the character; however, it is how people describe you as this is what you show to others.

64 Keywords: Distinguished and Notorious Persons with this energy can have honours come to them as they are driven to help and are often pillars of the community. Everyone seems to know them.

Pathway: The map we wish we were born with. Often not realised until a person is more mature (approx. 45 to 58 years old).

135 -> 18 Keywords: Leader and Volunteer This person wants to make the world a better place for all to live. Is able to relate to others with tolerance and love, using natural leadership abilities.

9 To be selfless in tolerance and compassionate to all. To embrace and become the healer or teacher or mentor you came to be.

Missing numbers: Indicate the particular energies that need to be worked on and/or overcome to be more balanced.

2 Keywords: Detailed, Cooperative, Supportive and Balanced A person who enjoys detailed work. Patient, tolerant, and quick to please. Tries to maintain balance and harmony in all situations.

Posted in personal

And I Shall Name Thee v2.0

The matter of coming up with a name has been bugging me non-stop since day 1, and all the more so now that I'm getting so close to my first day on T. So here's what I'm considering at the moment:

There are lots of boys' names out there that I like, but I feel don't necessarily suit me personality-wise or looks-wise. For some reason, when I was much younger and the Internet was in its youth, I once had the idea of posing as male in some social chat rooms on IRC (yeah, remember that?). I don't know how the idea came to me, but I do remember how nervous I was and how the shivers ran up my spine when I logged on under the new id for the first time.

I soon realised that I hadn't exactly thought this true when someone asked me my name. Mind you, this was back when even internet connections were nowhere near the speeds we get today, and even text took a while to transfer. So I at least had a handful of seconds to respond, and came up with: Nick. Don't ask me why, but there it was. And because it's stayed in my consciousness all these years, Nicholas will be my first name: what friends yell out when they see me across the street (or what enemies would while they were chasing me with burning sticks I suppose), what my girlfriend whispers urgently into my ear, what I write in those little boxes when I fill out forms (and there will be many of those, no doubt).

So Nicholas Alexander Marius I will be. If you think that's overkill, I really want to work "Lucius" (Luke) somewhere in there, but I fear that 4 names will be a little much (i.e. Nicholas Alexander Lucius Marius) so I'll leave that to when I actually change my name legally before deciding on whether I'll leave it out. I also haven't decided on the spelling for "Nicholas" (e.g. Nicolas, Nikolas, Nickolas) and "Alexander" (e.g. Aleksander, Aleksandr).

Nicholas derived from the Greek "Nikolaos", a combination of the words nike (victory) and laos (people), i.e. victory of the people. Famous people/characters: Tsar Nikolai Aleksandrovich Romanov (the last emperor of Russia), Niccolò Machiavelli (a Florentine political philosopher), Niels Bohr (because I'm an electrical engineer) and Nicolaus Copernicus (an astronomer who first theorised that our solar system was centered around the sun).

Alexander derived from the Latin "Alexander", a combination of the words alex (refuge, protection, defence) and andros (man), i.e. protector of man. Famous people/characters: Alexander the Great (of course), and a whole bunch of other monarchs.

Lucius derived from the Latin lux (light), i.e. bringer of light. Famous people/characters: Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus (the Emperor Nero), and a whole bunch of prominent men in Roman history.

Marius derived from the Roman Mars (God of War), or else from the Latin root mas, maris meaning "manly". Often thought to be from the Latin "mare" (sea). Famous people/characters: Gaius Marius (a famous Roman general), Marius de Romanus (an important character in the Vampire Chronicles).

Thanks to all who have voted in the poll on the left. It was interesting to see which names people liked the most. The final results are below, and a new poll has been put up.

Which name you liked the most. Total votes: 58.

Posted in new-id, website

My Life in B-l-u-e

I am in *love* with this comic. The art style and quality just bowls me over, especially because I'm getting quite sick of the manga influence in cartoons and the such nowadays. Zan Gullo does an impressive job capturing a certain mood with his combination of dialogue and images.

I haven't gotten far enough into the archives to be able to comment on the storyline, but I'm already a huge fan of the strip. I think that I may have just been introduced to the first trans character (FtM Marius?) though.

Also check out his Science Fiction and Fantasy section/repository, entitled Elfwood.

Venus Envy

Check out Erin Lindsey's Venus Envy, a great little online comic about an MtF teenager who's trying to adjust to her new life. Don't worry, there's an FtM character in the main cast too. Anyway, it addresses many little issues that will ring a bell for all of us, and is an entertaining read most of the time.

There's a full archive available on the website, although you'll have to get the "strips" day-by-day since I don't think the "weekly view" is available. The graphics load pretty quickly though, so those of you with dial-up shouldn't worry.

T therapy here I come!

Went to see Gaye yesterday, and had another great session. I felt that we got to know each other a little better this time around. Although the session wasn't as ground-breaking as the earlier ones, it certainly went well as she knew the background to a lot of the things I wanted to say to her, so I had to sidetrack less this time around and could make my statements/points a lot more directly.

The great thing is that near the end, she said that she's convinced that I know myself well, and that she trusts me to make the decisions as to what's best for me. We talked about starting T therapy, and she said that it may be a good idea to wait till my next session (she gave me a few things to think about in the meantime) before getting that crucial appointment with the psychiatrist (for the T prescription). She then asked when I thought the next appointment should be, i.e. when I think I'd be fully ready to start T therapy. Of course, I laughed and said that I was ready when I was born. In fact, I told her that I'd been having these "excitement attacks" while waiting for this appointment to arrive, and often felt that I'd explode if I didn't get T straightaway.

I suppose that she was also impressed that I'd resisted the urge to utilise "alternative methods" of accessing T, and instead wanted to do this "the right way". She suggested 3 weeks from yesterday, which reminded me that my birthday is coming in 4 weeks. She thought that it would be a significant event and that I should come after that, so I took a deep breath, hesitated for a few seconds, then said, "I think we should leave it to 5 weeks from [yesteray]. If I don't have any doubts in that time frame, then I know that I cannot possibly regret this decision." DOOFUS! =)

I'm not sure what the usual practice is, but I feel that she'd probably vouch for my candidacy for T therapy in her referral to the psych. At the very least she might refer me to one who's more empathetic and likely to help the cause. But of course, this is probably wishful thinking.

There were some things from yesterday's session that I'd wanted to note down in this blog, but I might leave them for another post later. For now, I'm going to enjoy my new tv for a while!

Posted in counselling, transition

When Recreation becomes Stressful (rant)

Played tennis again today. Kicked butt again. Felt my fitness and strength pay off again. And was stressed out again.

Here's the scenario: our "sister team" was short of a girl, so my (stand-in) team captain volunteers to play as a reserve for them. The hook is, we're playing each other. Worse still, we're in the final round-robin round before the final play-offs, and we wanna ensure ourselves the second seed while helping the other team actually qualify for the semifinals.

Now, my team captain is one of those women who wories all the time about what other people think, about doing the right thing etc. So she asks me, should I play for this other team? What if we lose and come in third? So I say, we've always had the agreement to help each other out (although it's usually us doing the helping out), plus there's no way we'll lose this even with her playing. They're lucky if they'd get a single set off us with their own team members playing.

We know that we only need a few sets to get the points that we need, so our boys muck around in the first match and lose that. So my team captain gets a little more worried and nervous. Up comes the first women's match and my partner (whom I'm meeting for the first time) struggles, and my team captain starts getting paranoid. So what does she do? She starts throwing the match. So on the changeover, I say to her, "Just play your game. We'll be alright, we just need to get into the groove." And she continues to throw the game.

Now, her partner (we'll call her Y) doesn't say anything, and once we get off court, we sit around talking about how many points we'll need to ensure the seeding and how many points our sister team will need to ensure that they qualify. There are 13 points to go around - conveniently, we need 3 and they need 10. So we decide to split the points that way, and play the matches as normal but to report "fake" scores on the scoresheet. The next thing I know, Y is on court bitching about how she can't play against people with no morals and that if the scores were decided, we shouldn't have to play the matches.

So I get pissed off. I asked her what the problem was, and she says "nothing" in a pissy way. I go, "No, if there's a problem, we'll have to sort it out," because I'm pissed at the way she's acting especially considering that we were going to give them the overall win and all the points they needed (lowering my own stats and team's performance evaluation). She says, "I don't have to say anything. It's obvious enough what's going on." So I lose it, grab my bag and walk over to the other court where they're finishing up the other mixed doubles. And all hell breaks loose.

In short, she accuses us of having our team captain fill in for the team so that we can manipulate the score. This angers me and I ask if they have anyone else that could have played, as well as if they think that we'd discussed this and sent someone in to throw the match on purpose. Then Y's teammate gets angry, yelling at me that "we're not accusing you of anything!" which in turn makes me get up (Y's crying and sitting down and I was sitting down next to her), look him square in the eyes and say, "Don't you raise your voice at me," all steely-eyed Clint Eastwood-y.

By now everyone's standing around, and Y says, "So you guys think you're so great, that you would have won this [for sure]" and I say "Of course. Are you kidding me?" because I can't believe that these people think that they stood a chance against us. We've never lost any set we didn't want to against these people (yeah, guess how many times we've helped them qualify for the playoffs), and the only reason my team missed out on being promoted into the top grade last year was because of a rain-out.

Man am I pissed off. Not only was this anger directed at me while I'd encouraged my captain to not throw the match, but these hacks think that they're good players! It's not the first time I've seen this, but it makes me sick how some people think they're great at tennis when they'd be considered a social player at best. And before you point your finger at me, I'm a tennis thoroughbred and been through my paces, so yes, I am that good. My only problem in the past 4 years has been my fitness, and even then I was among the top picks in the damn area. My performance since coming back into the comp a few weeks ago should have been proof enough that I'm back in the groove, and still these people have the guts to mouth off like that.

My teammates worked to calm things down, although the conflict still wasn't resolved, they agree to finish the final 2 sets. Me and my partner were down 0-1 in our match, and despite a cut on my small finger and a deep gash on my forearm (clumsy me wasn't paying attention and gashed my arm on a metal plate on the fence at the end of the court area where I was sitting with my other 2 teammates while things were being sorted out) that was bleeding like mad and definitely needed stitches (we held it together with a few band-aids), we walked calmly out on court, played as non-aggressively as humanly possible and won 6 games in a row to take it 6-1.

So yeah. I hate that. I play in this stupid comp for some recreation and to meet up with friends, and this happens. Of course, my captain shouldn't have thrown her first match, but you'd think that people would be able to just take the handout we're giving to them and not bitch around on court. Right now, I'm hoping that they actually get into the final by some miracle just so that we can kick their arses in that.

While I'm at it, here are some other things that come to mind when I think of getting aggravated on court:

10. People who walk around (or worse yet, stand around juggling balls) behind the fence at the back of the court while a point is being played. How can I keep track of my opponents while keeping my eye on the ball when you're standing 2 metres away from them!

9. People who hold 2 balls while they're serving, and throw the second ball behind them if their first serve goes in. It's against the rules, it's dangerous, and it's bloody annoying. Get a fucking ball holder or some shorts with pockets.

8. People who don't call faults out loud, because you either let the ball go (not realising that the idiot on the other side of the net has called your serve that's a foot out, in) and lose the point, or othwise not only waste energy returning a dead ball, but losing your rhythm for the second serve.

7. Guys who use their women opponents for target practice in social mixed doubles. Look, just put the damn overhead away. You don't have to smack it right at the lady at net. I'll take them myself, no qualms at all, but it annoys me when they pick on the weaker/older women who definitely don't have the reflexes to get their racquet on the ball and don't always know to get out of the way.

6. People who should be passing you the ball but just hit it God knows where, just as long as it's on the other side of the court.

5. People who call my serves wide when they land right on the centre line. I swear 40% of my aces have been discounted this way.

4. People who call the lines when they're in no position to do so. No, you can't call my serve wide when you're standing at the net on the other side of the court, moron!

3. People who don't know the rules and yet want to argue the validity of their action. Once, in a mixed doubles match, this lady hit the ball twice with her racquet, and it obviously wasn't with one motion because she has an awkward forehand in which the racquet follows through in two parts. I call it, the point ends, and her partner says, no it's their point. I point out that her racquet didn't move in one motion, which she starts to deny. And then the guy says, "she didn't hit the ball twice." So I say, "You were standing in front of her, facing me at the net. You wanna tell me that she didn't hit the ball twice?" And you know what this guy has the balls to say to me? "I heard it." He's lucky I didn't smack the next overhead I had right in the middle of his back.

2. People who intentionally give bad line calls to the point of being notorious for doing so.

1. Hacks that yell, "Come on!" and do that damn Wilander (now adopted by Hewitt) non-fist pump after every point they win. Even when their opponent just double-faulted. Asshat.

Posted in rant

FtMs and MtFs

Here's something that occured to me sometime ago but I never got around to writing about. Dropping by The Gender Centre nearly every week means that I now know and regularly see a number of transgendered people, in pretty much every stage of transition. In fact, once conversation gets going and people gauge that the person they're talking to is comfortable enough with it, a common questions is "So, are you MtF or FtM?". It's mostly a question to us younger people though, since chances are that you're a very convincing fully-transitioned person or one who's only just starting out.

I learned early on not to make assumptions. Being who I am, I'm more likely to think of someone as FtM than otherwise; I was just lucky that I was cautious enough with the conversation in general to not put my foor in it. I'd only just arrived and the guy I'd met before, D, was talking to a very boyish-looking person with a bound chest that obviously had boobs on it. S/he was wearing a camo baseball cap, baggy camo pants and an olive green shirt with the sleeves cut off. S/he had no make-up on, but had short nails painted black in true goth style. We introduced ourselves, and I was given a very gender-ambiguous name, Z.

So without thinking, I figured that Z was in the same boat as us, although s/he was very silent while me and D started talking about bench presses and stuff. S/he eventually got up to go to the bathroom when I noticed that hir shirt was tied in the front to expose hir midriff, which threw me off. When s/he got back and joined in the conversation (we'd started talking about more neutral things like coming out, etc.) it suddenly dawned on me that Z was MtF and not the other way around! So that was a lesson well learnt.

The other thing that came to my mind was how much easier it is for FtMs to be accepted as bio-males than it is for MtFs as bio-women. In fact, I don't know of any who are ever accepted as bio-women - most are just accepted as being "what they are". I suppose the thing that balances it out is that men tend to be less forgiving and accepting, thus making it harder for FtMs to just be "one of the guys", whereas women are a lot more likely to welcome an MtF into their brood.

Anyway, women have enough trouble themselves trying to keep up with the high standards of appearance and grooming that have been set over the past decades. I can't imagine how difficult it would be for an MtF. In fact, I'm not sure if the tables were turned that I'd ever have the courage to make the change like these brave souls have! It really makes me happy to see these women walking around the Gender Centre where they're able to be less self-conscious and perhaps practice in relative comfort their mannerisms and such. They even have a great way of helping each other out with make-up tips and supplies, as well as with news of trans-friendly hairdressers/beauticians and the like!

Somehow I see none of this among FtMs, and the only reason I can see for this is that we integrate into "regular" society much better and tend to let go of our pasts without the need to hold on to any support groups. Or could it just be wishful thinking?

Posted in Gender-Centre, trans-friends, community

The Moira/Max Conundrum

Ok, I've always been a fan of the show The L Word, and was delighted at the start of Season 3 at the prospect of having Moira/Max come on the show. I figured, yeah, some publicity about the plight of us non-lesbian-identified lovers of women would be great especially if it helps the Gay and Lesbian community understand transgenderism. Boy am I disappointed.

Now, I may be biased, but I felt that the show did more to highlight how the lesbian community tends to not understand, misunderstand and condemn FtMs. It also made Max this angst-ridden abusive guy who not only couldn't keep his dick in his pants, but started knocking his girlfriend around after starting on T. Now, how is this good publicity again? And don't throw me any of that "any publicity is good publicity" bullshit.

The recurring theme with the whole situation was the question, "why did s/he need to role play like that?". And that bugs the heck out of me. Actually, most of riot-grrl feminism bugs the heck out of me. "Embrace your femininity!" I hear them say. "Don't let this patriarchal society tell you what you can't do!"

Well here's some news: I don't want to embrace my femininity. And I've never experienced first-hand any blatant discrimination because I'm a girl (neither was I brought up to think that only men can do certain things). I love that I have a woman's perspective on the world, and that I tend to think the way a woman does. I just don't like having boobs and curvy hips. I don't like acting in a feminine way. I'd die before I ever wear a dress or heels again. I cannot even think of ever giving birth (even though I love kids and will definitely have at least 1 child in the future). And sex just isn't as attractive when you're reminded of all of the above whenever your partner touches you.

Besides, how can you love someone fully when you can't even love yourself?

So to all you lesbians who think we're "bailing out" and trying to conform to heterosexual society, here's what I say: You tell everyone to have tolerance for each other and let you live life the way you want, and love who you fall in love with. That's pretty much all we want too.

Posted in L-Word, community, rant, personal