Saturday, December 31, 2005

Liar liar!

I've realised that I lied in the last blog entry. I meant to say that I'm not miserable about my current sex life, not that I have no complaints about it. Of course I have complaints - I won't be fully happy until I have a strong flat chest, broad shoulders and can make love to a woman like a man!

On that note, I've had to come to terms that my sex life could suffer greatly from this point on. At this point, I've decided on top surgery and hormone therapy only (more on that later), which will mean 2 things:

  1. I will most likely no longer appeal to lesbians

  2. I may have trouble finding a straight woman/gay man who will be accepting of my lack of "equipment"
Of course, I'm talking about a "casual single" life here. Optimistic me somehow thinks that it will not affect my chances of finding a life partner, since I imagine many women would be happy to have a husband who for all intents and purposes (bar one I suppose) is a man, but has the emotional/intellectual standpoint of a woman. And yes, I am aware that being on T has emotional side effects (again, more on this later).

Thank goodness I live in a society that's more open to the idea of sexuality as a spectrum and not just black-and-white. Having felt great respect for the many gay men and women who had to live with the sexuality in the dark ages, I feel even more respect now for the many transsexual people who've had to live before us. Even nowadays, the transgender community has trouble finding support in their early stages from both the straight and gay community.

Kudos to all who came before us.

Posted in sexuality, oats, community

Thursday, December 29, 2005

1 score and 4 years ago (part II)

Having come to terms a little more with my gender identity (see part I) I thought, "Well, now what does that mean to my sexual orientation and sexual identity?" I felt that I'd probably have a more enjoyable sex life (not that I have any complaints at the moment!) if I better understood these aspects of my psyche.

Now let's see. When I was growing up, I was attracted to girls and not at all interested in the guys. At the time, I accepted the fact that I was myself a girl. So that made me a lesbian. When I started university, I also found myself somewhat attracted to boys, and still accepted myself as a girl. So that made me a bisexual but mostly gay woman.

Now that I've learnt that I suffer from gender dysphoria (I hate how that sounds! Makes it seem like a horrible condition, when really it's such a liberating realisation) and now think of myself as a man with certain (temporary) setbacks. So my liking women makes me a heterosexual man, while my liking certain men makes me a somewhat gay man. So in that respect, I've moved from a 5 to about a 1 on the Kinsey Scale!

As I thought about this however, I started to realise that things weren't as simple as that. I was still thinking of my sexual orientation as a woman. So I started to think - if I were a man, would my sexual patterns change? And if so, how? And therein lies the most interesting question for me to discover the answer to as I complete my transition.

I know that "imagining" is not the same as "experiencing", and so I fully expect to change my mind about this in the future. However, at this point, I imagine that if I were a man, I'd be more inclined to sleep with other men than I am at this point, i.e. I'd enjoy having sex with a man more as a man than as a woman. Which means I'd move to say, a 2 on the Kinsey scale? Of course, this question will likely not be answered for a long time, but still it's interesting to understand why it is that I'd be so inclined. Is it that I've conditioned myself into thinking that I belong in the gay and lesbian community and hence "need" to retain some sense of homosexuality?

Talk about opening up a can of worms...

Posted in personal, sexuality, gender

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Merry Christmas One and All!

I hope everyone's been having a great Christmas weekend so far. Me, I'm trying to recover from yesterday's Christmas Eve dinner and cope with today's Christmas... meal. I don't know what to call it - it starts at brunch (when everyone's finally out of bed) and continues on till past dinnertime. Having been invited to a good friend's family home for the day, I'm relieved that I will at least have tomorrow off to recover from all the eating done today - who can say no to a friend's mum continuously piling food on your plate?!

For those of you not fortunate enough to be surrounded by loving family members on this holiday season, I hope that you are surrounded instead by caring friends. Best wishes to all!

Posted in website

Friday, December 23, 2005

1 score and 4 years ago (part I)

What a rare day, when one can jump out of bed and look forward to a day with no responsibilities, chores or errands to be done. Took the dogs out for a nice long walk in one of the nearby reserves, and there seemed to be abundant wildlife about, especially rabbits and birds. We had a bit of a swim in the sea on the walk back, and as we lay on the grass drying off (well I did while the girls occupied themselves romping around) I thought, when did I first think about being a boy vs. being a girl? And that lead to a multitude other questions.

I remember that before I was about 2, it really never was an issue of whether I was a boy or a girl. I had curly long hair, and had dresses on as often as I had shorts on. Toys were more or less gender neutral, as my parents got me mostly educational toys and constructor sets.

I know that I started feeling dissatisfied with being a girl around the age of 2 though, and my mother had to threaten or guilt me into wearing skirts and dresses and frilly tops. Needless to say, she soon gave up and saved the trauma for special occasions and functions. Also, my action figure collection was starting to outnumber my doll collection. At about 4, the ultimate toy on my wish list was granted: an rc monster truck. I still remember the red paint job and decal flames to this day.

So while I know that I was already at odds being a girl at age 2, I remember thinking about it then simply as a temporary setback, like a phase I'd outgrow sooner or later*. I was still young enough to be a "tomboy" and so I didn't have to compromise myself socially, except during social functions when I accepted the "role" I had to play. In my innocence, I saw it exactly as that: a role to act in for the few hours.

Things changed when I finished kindergarten and pre-school at age 6, and the girls and boys began to gravitate further apart socially. I had my group of girl friends through years 1-6, although I was mostly quiet and liked to observe their preoccupation with pretty things and practicing their handwriting. I loved watching them play jump rope every recess, because I thought they were so graceful and femininely strong, soaring through the air and achieving seemingly unattainable heights (yes, we played a different kind of jump rope in my school).

I also had my group of boy friends, and although I hung out with them and did what they did, I was always careful to not "cross the line" and do anything I thought would be considered too boyish. Which wasn't much, to be honest.

The boys at my school were divided into 3 lots: the nerds who were good for nothing but the books, the gangsters who were bad hats and would do anything to be like their older brothers in triads, and the ones who fit in between - too rebellious to devote their lives to grades, but too functional to be labelled as a delinquent. My friends were “in-betweeners”, and spent their lunch breaks playing football, playing rpg’s and the like.

I remember feeling just as frustrated hanging with the guys as I did the girls – I had the mental and social maturity of a girl, but longed to kicked the football around shirtless like the boys. And this is where I think I started to feel at odds with my physical self, when I realised that maybe the problem wasn’t with my thoughts and attitude that I considered different from other little girls', but simply that I had been born into the wrong body.

As a lay on the sweet summer grass reconciled with myself, having traced through my growing years with the perspective of a world-weary adult, I felt even surer of my decision to start my transformation into a man. I know now that nothing and no one’s opinion is more important than being true to myself.

* Edited to add: I meant that I'd outgrow being a girl, and not that I'd outgrow being a "tomboy". Just thought I'd clear that up.

Posted in sunshine, the-tribe, personal, family, gender, friends

Monday, December 19, 2005

The Need to Know

I read something interesting today. Apparently, people have an inherent need to know the gender of the baby they are interacting with. If someone is asked to hold a baby, in general they will first ask if it is a boy or a girl. If they are not told, they may even go as far as peeking (you-know-where) to find out. If they are told not to peek, they will generally make up a gender for that child.

Are we naturally predisposed to treating boys and girls differently, or is it due to how deeply ingrained traditional gender roles are ingrained into us?

I suppose I can relate. Whenever I talk to parents about their babies/toddler, I actually tend to treat the child neutrally and never refer to the child as him/her. Up to the age where they can walk/talk anyway.

It's different with dogs though. Because I have 2 very charming dogs, people, mostly young women (hee!) and older couples, tend to stop and talk to me while we're on our daily walks. Especially other people with dogs. And I'm always embarassed because I always find myself looking for their "bits" (the dogs'. Get your mind out of the gutter!) so I can refer to the dog as a boy or girl before talking about it. Thank goodness it mostly seems like I'm simply admiring the dog's health or observing its temperament.

Posted in gender

Blue skies are gonna clear up...

... put on a happy face! =)

It was a great day today. More bills in the mail, and some Christmas cards from old overseas friends. The weather was great today, and I had to go to the post office to mail a couple of letters off (yes, snail mail is still alive), so I thought, what better time to take my dogs for a swim! N loves the water and S is usually a little iffy about taking a plunge, but there was no hesitation today! We had a great time, especially since the beach was nowhere near as crowded as usual (due to the recent riots). Heaps of people were out with their dogs however, so it was great fun all-around.

The walk to the post-office dried us all off, and it was nice to see some newbie surf groups head out to build their skills. Made me think about another reason I felt great today: the last year-and-a-half have not been kind to my physique. I've been so busy that I've not had time to be anywhere near as active as I'm used to, and that's played absolute havoc with my metabolism. The result: I'm carrying close to 20 kilos (that's 44 pounds to you!) more than I should, and a lot of it is flab and fat. It doesn't help that I eat a lot healthier than the average person and actually play some sport or the other on most weekends.

Anyway, at the risk of repeating myself, I felt great today. More energetic. Even my clothes seem to hang on me better than in the past few months. I've decided that the right thing to do will be to concentrate less on work, and work on losing most of this fat and flab. In fact, I resolve to officially have an extra half hour a day at the very least for a good run/swim and an hour of pilates/weights by the time the new year rolls in. In the meantime, I'll have to make do with getting up an hour earlier. I'll have the Christmas/New Year period to catch up on the sleep.

What's more, when I got home, I found that I'd heard back from Gaye, the counsellor at the Gender Centre. She said that I'd be able to come in on either the 10th or 11th of Jan for a session as she'd be away till then, unless I wanted to do a phone session. I said that I wasn't depressed or suicidal, so let's enjoy the holidays and I'll look forward to meeting in Jan.

In fact, it'll be perfect timing. I've just gotten off the phone with my parents. I hadn't counted on seeing them before mid-winter (that's about the end of August), but as luck would have it, our respective schedules have changed and we'll now be able to see each other in February. I'd planned to talk to them about both my gender identity (male) and sexual preferences (bi but primarily into women, which makes me mostly straight in my mind but mostly gay to the rest of the world I suppose) the next time I met them.

Had this been mid-winter, I would (preferably) have been at least 6 months on T and been far enough along the process to let them rest assured that I know what I want. However, now meeting in February means that I'm sure my mom will try to talk me into putting the whole thing off for a while "till I'm sure sure". Knowing them though, they'll be 100% behind me after the first week and it'll be great to be out and know that I have their love and support instead of living a double life. The next challenge will then be my extended family. Great.

Cockatoos on the balcony railingsAs I was typing the last paragraph, a pair of white cockatoos landed on the railing on my balcony! I got some nuts out of the pantry and slowly walked up to them, and stretched out. They're quite tame and I see them quite often around the neighbourhood and in the tree just outside my balcony, so I wasn't surprised that one of them took a nut out of my hand and proceeded to eat it. The other immediately came up and started helping itself, so that was kind of cool. I hope that they don't start hanging out here though, as I'm not looking forward to cleaning up any mess they leave behind. It's bad enough having to pick up after 2 dogs.

Wow, it's a long entry so far today! I'll leave it at that, and hope that I'll have something to say here before the 10th of Jan.

Posted in coming-out, counselling, Cronulla, family, physique, sunshine, the-tribe

Sunday, December 18, 2005

New beginning, new name

I've been thinking about what names I like and what names I would be comfortable using. There's a big difference, because I'm not a white, blonde, blue-eyed kinda guy, so it would be hard to go by the name of, say, Sergei or Giorgio without expecting to have to deal with a lot of folks with saucers for eyes when I introduce myself. Also, having my friends roll around on the floor clutching their sides when I finally come out as an FtM and ask them to call me "Giorgio" is probably not the response I'm looking for. So, in keeping with the anonimity issue at this point, I found a photo of what I'd probably have looked like as a kid had I been born male, and invite you, the loyal/casual reader, to chip in yer 2 cents.


What a cutie!


There are a couple of names I like so far, and I'll look to see if I can put a "poll" up on this website. In the meantime, if you've surfed onto this page, please leave a comment with any names you think might be suitable!

Now, I fully believe that a name should suit one's personality, and so here are a few facts about me that may help:

  • I'm usually tanned to a slightly dark olive, and I have jet black hair and dark brown eyes

  • I'm a jock at heart, and long for the day that I'll be able to lay on my surf board with the sun shining down on my bare back, waiting for that perfect wave.

  • Far from being a surfhead, I've graduated from a respectable university with a very respectable graduate degree, and will be pursuing a master's degree in a year or 2.

  • People say that I'm a very nice and polite person, but I know that I can become extremely hot-tempered when faced with certain situations. I'm competitive and sometimes alarmingly aggressive when it comes down to the wire, but otherwise I'm a laid-back, fun-loving person.
edited to get rid of name list since poll was added

Posted in new id, personal, transition, website

First step

Well, I've taken the first major step. I've contacted the local counsellor at The Gender Centre Inc. for a good time to come in, and hope I will get a reply on Monday. A fellow FTM from around here replied to my introductory post on the FTM Surgery Info group, and said that there was a person there who has had a lot of experience, so I feel good about my chances on learning more about the resources available in Sydney.

Today, I will create a couple of pages that I feel will be useful:

  • a page linking to resources that I have used, in chronological order - hopefully this will help new FTMs absorb information in an orderly manner instead of being overwhelmed by the amount of information available on the Internet.


  • a page with photos of my face, chest, shoulders and back at various milestones during this process - at this point, I still wish to remain as anonymous as possible, so we'll think of a way to get around this. I have a feeling that it will become useful in the future, though.


  • a page with sound clips of my voice at various milestones during this process - to show how quickly the testosterone affects my voice, and how deep it becomes once I start on T.


  • a page listing various features that change while I'm on T - again, to show the affects of T and how quickly it's working.

Also, I'll probably add a guestbook to this site. If this site has helped you in any way, or has caused you anger/disappointment in any of its particular content, please sign in and leave your comments.

Posted in counselling, Gender-Centre, transition, website

In the beginning...

Here's a bit of an intro to give readers a sense of where I'm at. It's not an easy situation to be in, and I hope that any success on my part will come as encouragement for anyone to live in truth.

I am in my mid-twenties and living in Sydney, by myself at this time (well, with my 2 dogs anyway). I've been living away from my family for more than 6 years now, but due to geographical location and nothing else. My parents are loving and supportive of me to a fault; however, coming from an extremely conservative background, I have not told them that not only do I find myself attracted to women, but that I yearn to live as a man.

And this brings me to a question: why have I not explained this to my family? Each one of them have been fully supportive of nearly everything that I have ever done, and I know that in our family, nothing comes before our relationships with each other. I find myself too embarassed to say the words, and chicken out every time.

I've decided that I myself have to be more comfortable with who I am, before I will be able to include my family in this journey, and create new crossroads in their own journeys. As luck would have it, time is on my side.

As for my friends, a select few are aware that I am attracted to the fairer sex, although I'm sure that many suspect just as much. Sydney is probably one of the better places for a gay person to live in, and I come across many gay couples in my line of work. The difficulty here is that most of my friends are female, and I worry that our friendships will grow distant if they start to fear any "secret lusting" or "predatory lesbian activities" that heteros are so paranoid about.

Take my closest friends for example: it doesn't help that as jocks, we are very physically open when around each other. Because I have been friends with these girls for such a long time, I know that I have no romantic or sexual inclinations towards any of them, thinking of them more as sisters than anything else. But try explaining to people that you're not attracted to a bunch of fit and tanned leggy blondes: yeah, I didn't think so.

I feel that the time will come soon when I am open about this. I hate the whole "new year brings a new me" thing, because I think people use it as an excuse to put things off, but I can feel that 2006 will be one that I look back on fondly as the year that I really started living my life.

Posted in coming-out, family, friends, personal, sexuality

Saturday, December 17, 2005

First post

This is the first post in my brand spanking new blog, that will mainly serve as a journal following my transition. Transition to what, you say?

After a lifetime of struggling to form a self-image that felt right, I have come to terms with the fact that I am a man trapped in a woman's body. I've felt this since I was a wee child, and I suppose that while the concept itself was always in my consciousness, coming to grips with it emotionally has taken 24 years.

As such, I have decided to begin my transition to a more comfortable physical form - that of a biological male. At this time, my main hopes in starting this process are as follows:

  • To be able to able to comfortably wear men's clothing,

  • To appear to the average person as a normal male adult,

  • To be able to walk topless in public without it being considered indecent.


I hope to eventually start testosterone ("T") therapy, as well as have a double mastectomy ("top surgery") to help sculpt my physical being into one that more closely matches my emotional being. My hope is that this blog will serve both as emotional therapy, as well as help anyone else who may be going through the same journey. Please feel free to leave any positive comments or questions. All negative remarks will be promptly deleted.

And now I take my first steps...

Posted in gender, goals, transition