First Session with the Counsellor

Finally! I finally got in to see the counsellor at The Gender Centre, and it nearly didn't happen, too! I had my appointment for 10-11am yesterday morning, and left early so that I'd be there in time. And would you know it, 9.30 came by and I was nowhere near the place! I called to let Gaye (the counsellor) know that I'd either be late or wouldn't be there in time, and she said that she had an appointment at 11.15, but I was welcome to stop by anyway to have a chat with Catherine who could go through their library of resources with me. I said I would stop by, seeing as I was halfway there and had already spent all the time/effort getting there. I was also hoping for the outside chance that she could fit in like 15 minutes for me somewhere in her schedule.

Anyway, so I get there just before noon, and Gaye welcomes me in to the place, saying that her 11.15 appointment hadn't shown and so we had 15 minutes before her next appointment. I gladly took it, and we had a nice little chat which started off a little slowly, as I've never been on the receiving end of a counselling situation, and it was quite odd talking about having a gender identity crisis. Besides, we were both feeling each other out, trying to form an impression of the other person. She was extremely nice, and had an open demeanor that made her easy to talk to. Of course, she was extremely polite and asked if I wouldn't mind answering some standard questions, which I didn't mind at all. In fact, I told her that I had no problem answering any questions as that was what I was there for: to ask questions of myself and answer them, so that I could gather my thoughts more concisely on what I feel, and what I want to do about these feelings.

As it turned out, her 12.15 appointment didn't show up either, which I was grateful for as the ball was only just starting to roll, and as Gaye went through some questions she had, those led to more questions from both herself and me, and so time went by very quickly. We talked about everything from what I thought about my gender identity, to when I first realised it, to some details of the transition process to coming out to my family and friends.

I'd started out a little cautiously, not wanting to commit to the certainty of starting transition. I was there to explore my feelings and options, and was open to ideas that I may not have come up with on my own. That all changed the moment she said to me, "so you're not sure about starting transition, rather you're testing the waters at the moment and are looking at what's out there?" That was exactly what I'd been doing the whole time, but when I heard those words, I thought, "No, that's so totally wrong! I know I want this, and it's the only way I'll every feel at peace with myself." And so came the moment I could say out loud, "No. I want to start transitioning to a physical form that suits my inner gender. I want to start transitioning to a man." Gaye smiled, and I realised that she'd led me to confirm my feelings in such a way that I'd not suspected her of trying to do so until it was all over and done with. Which is exactly what a great counsellor does.

We talked a lot about my planning to come out to my parents in the coming week(s), and I told her that I'd definitely do it by the time I'd gotten back in to Sydney in 4 weeks, as I wouldn't allow myself to chicken out. She gave me some reading materials that would be helpful to both me and my parents, and we made another appointment for the week I was to come back so we could talk about how things went.

After that, she introduced me to Sean and Catherine who also work at the Gender Centre. Catherine was in charge of the library of books they have there, and picked out a couple of autobiographies of FTMs that I could have while I was away (woohoo! Reading material for the plane!) and subscribed me to Polare, their quarterly publication. We had a nice little chat, as we found we'd had similar life experience and interests despite our huge age difference. Sean was very cool, he introduced himself to me as an FtM and made some light conversation. He was surprised that I'm 25, he'd thought I was more like 16 (yes, I get that a lot), and talked to me about their "drop-in" session later in the evening, which Gaye had mentioned. It was a 2-hour casual meet-up time for transsexuals of every age, colour, stage of transition and walk of life. I said I would come, as it would be nice to meet some other people who could share their experiences. He also asked if I had my referrals, and I said I'd come back to get one from him at my next appointment.

I came back to the centre later that evening, and there was food and drinks, and about 15 of us there - FtMs, MtFs, young teenagers to a tottering old MtF, people fully transitioned to people like me who were about to take their first steps. There was a young man from some gay health organisation who gave a little talk about HIV, which was good as I'd learned a couple of helpful things that I didn't know, and because people were encouraged to ask questions, it helped everyone feel comfortable with each other.

I met another FtM D (I don't know if people like having their names mentioned, so I'll use letters to identify these people) who worked there part-time, and we got to talking since he's a year older than me, has been on T for a year now and will be going for top surgery in a year or so from now. We talked about various things like working out, and he'd just bought a bench press which I thought was very cool. He was also trying to lose weight, so I said that we could be workout buddies. He seemed happy with this, as I suspect that he knew that having a workout buddy helps heaps with staying motivated and conscientious. We were interrupted as Sean needed help cleaning up the leftovers and stuff, and I didn't realise that it was already past 8 and I'd have to get going. Said goodbye to everyone and shook hands with Sean and D, saying I'd see them in a month. They were great, and it felt totally great when they shook hands with me, strong and firm, man-to-man.

Anyone in the Sydney area who hasn't already been, I'd recommend you stop in to the Gender Centre in Petersham. The people there are excellent, and they have a ton of resources should you ever need help with anything. I felt light as a feather walking out of the building to my car, and felt strong positive energy flowing through my veins. I'm doing the right thing, and I'll never have to live my life as someone I'm not ever again.

Posted in transition, counselling, Gender-Centre, trans-friends, community