I'm back! part IV: The Good, The Bad and The One They Call "Ugly"

Everyone who hadn't seen me in years, as well as those who'd met me for the first time have reportedly said that among other things, I am a very charming person. This surprised me because I know many things about myself, but this I never really thought about. It does however explain how people tend to react to myself, including people I meet while out and about. Now, I'd considered changing my last name when I do legally change my name, and I'd wanted to pick one that had some meaning to it. So this made me think: why not pick a word that meant "charm" or "charming"? It seems to be a quality that I enjoy very much, and I feel that my other dominant characteristics would be a little strong for a last name (overkill, anyone?).

Now, what language to pick? I speak several myself, but none but one provided an attractive enough solution. The one potential language: Italian, which would be perfect as well since the first woman I'd ever fallen in love with is Italian, and we remain very close even though we're too far apart too often to maintain a relationship. The Italian word for "charm": fascino (fah-shee-no). Didn't sound too bad. The feminine of the word though, "fascina" actually means faggot, which is not too bad I suppose as we're all one big LGBT family anyway. So this is the first in the list of surnames that I will consider when the time comes.

Another thought that came up repeatedly was that part of this "charm" could hinge on the fact that I am female. That is, if I were male, my behaviour/demeanour might be considered ordinary, or even worse, perhaps annoying or creepy! This is a disturbing consideration that must be made, as I'd much rather be a happy woman than a miserable man! Of course, should push come to shove, I'm sure I'd be able to adapt my inside to match my outside (ironic, as this whole process is about adapting my outside to match my inside!), just to counter the social programming that comes with growing up as a girl.

Also, there were quite a few things that I'd done with my friends and family that are considered women's activities, such as getting manicures, going to a spa and simply chatting/gossiping about things. I also enjoy hanging out "with the girls", something that may become difficult after transition. In any case, this prompted me to start an earnest pros/cons list, not so much to decide whether to transition or not, but simply to consider very carefully all the consequences that may come, to avoid feeling cheated/disappointed once past the point of no return.

I will put my list up soon, and I urge you to consider doing the same before making what may be the biggest decision or your life. Knowing the possibilities of the situation will allow you to enjoy your new lease on life a lot better!

Posted in personal, new-id, gender

I'm back! part III: In Good Company

I did manage to meet a good friend of mine several times when I was home. J was my best friend in Year 3 of school, but we were separated into different classes after that, and had different friends for a while after that. We became thick as thieves again in Year 7 through the rest of our school days, especially in our final 2 years, where we were the closest among our group of 5.

J recently came out to our group of friends as a lesbian, and as a result, I'd come out to her myself, first as a lesbian and then later as a transsexual, which made us even closer even though we're a continent apart. So she'd offered to show me around when I got back, and introduce me to her queer circle of friends.

I must say that I found this group of crazy individuals extemely nice and side-splittingly funny. Some were highly intelligent and up on current events, others were just looking for a few good laughs among friends, while yet others were out for a buzz and a good time. The one thing they all had in common was that they were all confident of themselves, and had no qualms with talking about their love for women. This is extraordinary as they live in a society that will not accept their homosexuality, and most have parents that would certainly disown them should they know of their child's activities.

One other thing I'd noticed when I'd gone back - the city and shopping malls were littered with very androgynous and gender-bending individuals (using the word "littered", I don't mean to imply that these people are rubbish). This was extraordinary as my understanding was that most people could not distinguish between sexuality and gender identity, so these people would have a very clear idea of what they wanted from themselves, despite living in a rather traditional environment! Indeed, most of the lesbians that I'd met believed that the "maleness" in them caused them to be homosexual, and this was culminated in the fact that I saw perhaps 30 butch lesbians for every femme one that I saw. I even saw lots of butch-butch pairings, perhaps from those driven to desperation in finding a partner and not really understanding that that girl in the frock could actually be interested in girls as well.

In any case, I'm glad that J has a great bunch of friends and group support that can understand where she's coming from. I can't wait for the next time I come home to meet the bunch again!

Posted in friends, personal, community

I'm back! part II: Biting the Bullet

One thing I'd said to Gaye the counsellor before heading off on my trip was this: that I'd know for sure how right starting transition would be for me based on my trip back to see my family, i.e. if I felt strongly enough about the need to transition, I'd be able to act myself and not how I think they think I should. Also, those of you who've been paying attention will know that I'd planned on "coming out" to my parents as well this trip, having known that I might not see them for a while after this trip.

Well, I'm not so happy to say that I couldn't bring myself to really bite the bullet. I did have a little nibble though. Firstly, I brought no clothes that even came anywhere close to being feminine (I own close to nil such items of clothing, and those that are on the fem side of unisex are practically in permanent storage), although most of them weren't screaming "male". Actually, I lied. I did have to bring some bras, without which I should not be seen in public.

Secondly, I'd had a semi heart-to-heart with my parents about various things. We'd had the house to ourselves one day (we moved into a house with my aunt's family, since we're all overseas all the time these few years and hence had no reason to keep the house we were living in) and I said I had something I needed to talk to them about. I was sweating bullets before I could actually say this, and they became all serious and ready to listen. This made me nervous/embarassed to actually say anything, and they asked if I was trying to come out as a lesbian. I've always known that they'd be supportive of whatever I did if they knew that it was thought through or something I really believed in, so it wasn't surprising that they were quite frank about addressing this. However, it also made me think, "Geez. If they're going to be so serious about me being gay, they're probably going to be really upset when I tell them that not only do I like women, but I want to transition from female to male!" And so I chickened out, and couldn't tell them what I'd originally wanted to.

Now, before you start shaking your heads, they did say that they were planning to make a visit here to Sydney in a month or so, and that they might stay for a couple of months while they travelled around. Being cheapskates, we all understood that they'd be staying at my place while they were here. Okay, it's not that we're cheap, it's that we're a very close family (I was going to use the word "tight", then thought the better of it).

Anyway, I'd decided then that it may be a little easier to tell them the truth then, instead of while I was in an extra vulnerable position in my aunts house. Firstly, like I said, my extended family are more traditional in values (they said not to hang out with my childhood friend who'd come out as a lesbian too much, in case she was a "bad influence". I must have missed the memo that said that homosexuality is highly contagious). My mum would have found it difficult not to talk to her sister about this, who in turn would not be able to keep this from the rest of my extended family (our family's like that, we're all too close for secrets), and I'm not ready for that just yet, even though they all love me to bits. Secondly, my friend agreed that they'd be in a different state of mind while over here, and would probably take it better.

Thirdly, I'd brought a bunch of books with me on transgenderism, including a mini-pile of The Gender Centre's Polare back-issues to go through. While I didn't leave "FTM: Female-to-Male Transsexuals in Society" lying around (that stayed in my open backpack), I did carry around "Dear Sir or Madam" with me, getting in a couple of pages whenever I had the chance (mostly on the toilet, hehe). That probably seemed an innocent enough title at first, but it had the words "female-to-male transsexual" in smaller letters on the back cover, and I'm sure they noticed after a while. When I brought out the stack of Polare to go through, one of them had a picture of 2 women kissing on the front cover, and the combination prompted my mum to ask what it was that I was reading, which I managed to shrug off. I left a few issues lying around where my bags and stuff were, and I'm almost sure that my mum flipped through them, knowing her all-too-well. My youngest cousin also did, although she'd casually asked what I was reading and picked one up. She's probably the first one in my extended family I'd be alright with coming out to.

Anyway, I think that mum didn't bring this up either because she doesn't realise the difference between sexuality and gender identity, or because she understands that I myself am still learning about this condition and myself, and am weighing the pros and cons on starting anything. A couple of days before I was due to leave, my parents cornered me in their room after I'd come out from their bathroom from taking a shower, and asked if there was anything else that was serious that I wanted to talk about. I'd said no, and that I'd talk to them if I myself was sure that there was something to talk about. They asked me only once again, just to be sure, and ended it at that.

I certainly hope that they've got a bug planted in their ears about the right thing, as this will give them some time to get used to the idea before heading down to Oz land. If not, I'll have a bunch of literature for them to read, as well as a list of issues I'd like to address when I come out to them, to best put them at ease. Most importantly, I'll have to assure them that I'm sure about my decision, and that I've done my groundwork about things.

I'm going to put 2 posts up that will be updated over the next month: issues I will address when I come out, and the pros and cons of starting my transition. If you think that I've left anything out that I should consider, please leave comments on the respective posts, they will be greatly appreciated.

Oh, I forgot to add that we'd been watch shopping throughout my visit home, as we wanted to be sure of getting the right watch and not just hastily buying the first one we liked. At the beginning, (as with every watch-buying expedition before) my mum procalimed every watch too big even though she knows I've got big arms (from playing tennis since forever) and the smaller ladies' watches look ridiculous on me. On the final day though, when we'd narrowed the selection down to a couple, she pointed out a massive one that was bigger than any I'd even dared to pick out! Surely something must have sparked her change of mind.

Posted in family, transition, coming-out, friends, gender, sexuality, personal, new-id

I'm back! part I: The Flight There

I'm back from my 4-week holiday, so I've now got free access to the Net 24/7, and can start posting regularly again. I thought I'd be posting semi-regularly at least while I was away, but there was so much to do every day that I feel like I need a holiday now from my holiday.

There's so much to write about the 4 weeks, so much that I thought of and so much that happened, that I'm not sure that I'll get it all down in this Blog. I will try my best though, because it's my way of organising my thoughts and feelings, as well as having a record of my experiences - and I'd like to record every significant event during this trying but extremely positive period.

Getting to the airport was a pain, since everyone I knew with a car was at work at the time I had to get to the airport, and I'm not the sort to let someone take the day off work to drive me the short distance. Cheapskate that I am, I'd decided to take the train into the airport, not thinking through the fact that I was carrying 4 massive canvases that were not too heavy but fucking unwieldy to carry. Carrying my backpack (hand luggage) and duffel bag (luggage) as well, I struggled to get even halfway to the train station, and no taxis were around (the damn canvases wouldn't even have fit into a cab had one passed by). A nice woman with a hint of an Irish accent came to the rescue and helped me carry the thing to the railway. It wasn't easy even with the 2 of us holding an end each, and I the woman will forever have my gratitude. I'm used to being the one doing the helping and not the one being helped, so I wasn't exactly totally comfortable with the role reversal.

I was pouring with sweat by the time I got the the airport, so it was a good thing that I'd brought my clothes for the flight instead of wearing them. I'd arrived early, and so had plenty of time for a shower in the lounge, changing into a black shirt and jacket. The duty free provided a change from my usual selection of eau de toilette and perfumes. Riding high on my recent coming-to-terms with my gender identity, I felt brave enough to sample the men's ranges and settled on one that I liked enough to spritz myself with, but not enough to actually buy.

As a sidenote, I've only got 1 men's fragrance at home, Bvlgari Blv pour Homme. The rest are more neutral fragrances like Hugo Boss' Hugo Woman and Ralph Lauren's Polo Sport Woman and Romance. One of the things I'd like to do is finish off these women's fragrances and start replacing them with men's.

The flight was very pleasant, and the young Boshnjak sitting next to me provided some good conversation. I usually don't drink much on flights, firstly because of the dehydration and secondly because I'd like to have my senses with me in case of emergency, but I'd decided after the struggle to get to the airport and with the upcoming visit home that I'd take advantage of the inflight bar this time. Now, I hold my drink a little too well, which means that a night out anywhere is expensive if I want even a tiny buzz, so a free open bar is always a welcome occasion.

Just after the plane took off though, while I was rooting through the pocket on the seat in front of me, a little blonde flight attendant rushed past and got herself elbowed on the hip bone. Now, I felt the collision on my elbow, so I can only imagine how much her hip hurt. She doubled over and I immediately got up and asked if she was alright. Her eyes welled with tears, she took a while to compose herself, but eventually got a smile on her face and said that she'd be alright. The next time she came by was with the drinks cart, and I asked if she'd been able to get some ice on where she'd been elbowed. She said she'd had, but only for a short while, and we both commented on the fact that she'd have a rather big bruise.

On the upside, she was very attentive after that. She'd stop to ask if I wanted anything whenever she came by, and would always smile if she was in more of a hurry. I'd asked for a Scotch (whisky) and Coke (yes, the cola) just before asking after her that first time she'd come by with the drinks cart, and she'd given me a standard drink as expected. What was unexpected was that after said little chat (while she was serving the rest of my row), she asked if the drink was alright and if I'd like a little extra scotch in it. I sure did, and every drink she brought me after that was most definitely a double (except for the scotch and apple juice I had with "breakfast". Even then she'd asked if she'd been right in making the drink more "breakfast"-friendly and had the bottle ready for a top-up).

There was a point to this little story by the way, which will come into play in a later post. In the meantime, I'll get started on my next post. So much to write, and I hope I remember everything!

Posted in oats

No man's land

Well, I'm back home. My mum and dad won't be back till next week, so I've been here with my cousins and aunts and uncles, and everyone's been totally doting on me since I haven't been back for 4 years. My granddad's been especially talkative (he used to be such a quiet man!) and there hasn't been any of the usual little bickers that happen when 20+ close relatives come together nearly every day.

I'm loving it at the moment - I used to hate how noisy it would get with everyone trying to talk over everyone else, but it's been more entertaining than anything this time around. I especially love seeing my "little" cousins; I put "little" in open-inverted commas because they're not so little anymore. In fact, they've just got their drivers' licences, but they'll always be the little babies of the family to me. I hate thinking that they'll probably be taller than me the next time I come home.

I haven't even had the time to think about the whole coming out thing, what with all that's been going on. I have had lots of time to think about how uncomfortable it could potentially be though, since "the girls" have been out marathon-shopping the last 2 days, and I haven't been trying on/buying anything at all. They obviously find it strange, and ask why, and I use the excuse that I'll go shopping with mum when she gets back and buy things then. More like, "I don't want to buy anything now because I'll be spending all this money on clothes that I'll never put on again!"

I've seen heaps of men's stuff that I love, and it's terrible to see things that are on sale but I can't try/buy at this time. I'm already building an inventory of the clothes I'll be getting when I finally have my nice flat chest.

7 days to go till crunch time.

Posted in transition, family, personal