Numerology (Part I)

In trying to pick and figure out the best way to pick a new name, I did a numerology analysis of both my birth date/names, as well as on the shortlist of new names and my "new birthdate". Here's what came up:

Original birth date and names:

Birth Path: Shows the opportunities present from birth that a person can use to express themselves. Often looked at as the vibration that describes the attributes of the type of career a person can successfully undertake. It is the road or path that is set and unchangeable for the person to take and complements the wisdom and experience from the total birth name.

6 The Provider Enjoys health and healing; involved with social issues.

First name: Represents the key to the character. It is the personal and physical side to how you perceive and carry yourself.

33 Keywords: Teacher and Counsellor (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): A master energy that will have the opportunity to reach many. Creative in their approach. Teaching and counselling come naturally, but they must learn to detach. 6 Keywords: Responsible, Honest, Love and Home & Family (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A person who is honest and trustworthy. Has a tendency to take on responsibility without thinking of the consequences.

Middle name: Represents the inner secret self and shows as emotions. It is part of the character that sets the tone for how one reacts to situations.

46 Keywords: Affluent and Resolute (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): These people appear well-to-do, often attracting abundance. They stand up for themselves, having the courage of convictions of self and others. 1 Keywords: Independant, Original, Pioneer and Leader (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A self-reliant person with strong leadership qualities. An original thinker who appears strong-minded; an ideas person.

Last name: Represents the contemplative self. It is how you seize life and use your intellect to navigate your way through life, and drives your thinking process.

23 Keywords: Adventurer and Innovative (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): A person with a sense of change and adventure. Sensitive to outer energies and able to see possibilities in situations. 5 Keywords: Carefree, Curious, Freedom and Change (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A carefree, happy-go-lucky type ruled by the five senses. Curious by nature, always ready for a new experience.

Full name: The true vibrational energies that were brought into this life.

102 -> 12 Keywords: Inventive and Crusader (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): A leader with high ideals and a keen mind to solve problems. Can appear restless, with nervous energies. Enjoys socialising. 3 Keywords: Creative, Charmer, Expressive and Communicator (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A person with a versatile flair for creating. Can be shy when young. Must take care not to become scattered. Excellent at communication in oral or written skills. Great salesperson.

Vowels: Reveal the inner disposition or individualism. This can be likened to the inner motor that drives and compels a person to be an individual, separate and different.

38 Keywords: Mediator and Storyteller A person with great imagination and quick wit, excellent storyteller and negotiator. Often the centre of activity.

Consonants: Reveal the personality. This can be likened to a mask, not necessarily a true picture of the character; however, it is how people describe you as this is what you show to others.

64 Keywords: Distinguished and Notorious Persons with this energy can have honours come to them as they are driven to help and are often pillars of the community. Everyone seems to know them.

Pathway: The map we wish we were born with. Often not realised until a person is more mature (approx. 45 to 58 years old).

135 -> 18 Keywords: Leader and Volunteer This person wants to make the world a better place for all to live. Is able to relate to others with tolerance and love, using natural leadership abilities.

9 To be selfless in tolerance and compassionate to all. To embrace and become the healer or teacher or mentor you came to be.

Missing numbers: Indicate the particular energies that need to be worked on and/or overcome to be more balanced.

2 Keywords: Detailed, Cooperative, Supportive and Balanced A person who enjoys detailed work. Patient, tolerant, and quick to please. Tries to maintain balance and harmony in all situations.

Posted in personal

And I Shall Name Thee v2.0

The matter of coming up with a name has been bugging me non-stop since day 1, and all the more so now that I'm getting so close to my first day on T. So here's what I'm considering at the moment:

There are lots of boys' names out there that I like, but I feel don't necessarily suit me personality-wise or looks-wise. For some reason, when I was much younger and the Internet was in its youth, I once had the idea of posing as male in some social chat rooms on IRC (yeah, remember that?). I don't know how the idea came to me, but I do remember how nervous I was and how the shivers ran up my spine when I logged on under the new id for the first time.

I soon realised that I hadn't exactly thought this true when someone asked me my name. Mind you, this was back when even internet connections were nowhere near the speeds we get today, and even text took a while to transfer. So I at least had a handful of seconds to respond, and came up with: Nick. Don't ask me why, but there it was. And because it's stayed in my consciousness all these years, Nicholas will be my first name: what friends yell out when they see me across the street (or what enemies would while they were chasing me with burning sticks I suppose), what my girlfriend whispers urgently into my ear, what I write in those little boxes when I fill out forms (and there will be many of those, no doubt).

So Nicholas Alexander Marius I will be. If you think that's overkill, I really want to work "Lucius" (Luke) somewhere in there, but I fear that 4 names will be a little much (i.e. Nicholas Alexander Lucius Marius) so I'll leave that to when I actually change my name legally before deciding on whether I'll leave it out. I also haven't decided on the spelling for "Nicholas" (e.g. Nicolas, Nikolas, Nickolas) and "Alexander" (e.g. Aleksander, Aleksandr).

Nicholas derived from the Greek "Nikolaos", a combination of the words nike (victory) and laos (people), i.e. victory of the people. Famous people/characters: Tsar Nikolai Aleksandrovich Romanov (the last emperor of Russia), Niccolò Machiavelli (a Florentine political philosopher), Niels Bohr (because I'm an electrical engineer) and Nicolaus Copernicus (an astronomer who first theorised that our solar system was centered around the sun).

Alexander derived from the Latin "Alexander", a combination of the words alex (refuge, protection, defence) and andros (man), i.e. protector of man. Famous people/characters: Alexander the Great (of course), and a whole bunch of other monarchs.

Lucius derived from the Latin lux (light), i.e. bringer of light. Famous people/characters: Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus (the Emperor Nero), and a whole bunch of prominent men in Roman history.

Marius derived from the Roman Mars (God of War), or else from the Latin root mas, maris meaning "manly". Often thought to be from the Latin "mare" (sea). Famous people/characters: Gaius Marius (a famous Roman general), Marius de Romanus (an important character in the Vampire Chronicles).

Thanks to all who have voted in the poll on the left. It was interesting to see which names people liked the most. The final results are below, and a new poll has been put up.

Which name you liked the most. Total votes: 58.

Posted in new-id, website

My Life in B-l-u-e

I am in *love* with this comic. The art style and quality just bowls me over, especially because I'm getting quite sick of the manga influence in cartoons and the such nowadays. Zan Gullo does an impressive job capturing a certain mood with his combination of dialogue and images.

I haven't gotten far enough into the archives to be able to comment on the storyline, but I'm already a huge fan of the strip. I think that I may have just been introduced to the first trans character (FtM Marius?) though.

Also check out his Science Fiction and Fantasy section/repository, entitled Elfwood.

Venus Envy

Check out Erin Lindsey's Venus Envy, a great little online comic about an MtF teenager who's trying to adjust to her new life. Don't worry, there's an FtM character in the main cast too. Anyway, it addresses many little issues that will ring a bell for all of us, and is an entertaining read most of the time.

There's a full archive available on the website, although you'll have to get the "strips" day-by-day since I don't think the "weekly view" is available. The graphics load pretty quickly though, so those of you with dial-up shouldn't worry.

T therapy here I come!

Went to see Gaye yesterday, and had another great session. I felt that we got to know each other a little better this time around. Although the session wasn't as ground-breaking as the earlier ones, it certainly went well as she knew the background to a lot of the things I wanted to say to her, so I had to sidetrack less this time around and could make my statements/points a lot more directly.

The great thing is that near the end, she said that she's convinced that I know myself well, and that she trusts me to make the decisions as to what's best for me. We talked about starting T therapy, and she said that it may be a good idea to wait till my next session (she gave me a few things to think about in the meantime) before getting that crucial appointment with the psychiatrist (for the T prescription). She then asked when I thought the next appointment should be, i.e. when I think I'd be fully ready to start T therapy. Of course, I laughed and said that I was ready when I was born. In fact, I told her that I'd been having these "excitement attacks" while waiting for this appointment to arrive, and often felt that I'd explode if I didn't get T straightaway.

I suppose that she was also impressed that I'd resisted the urge to utilise "alternative methods" of accessing T, and instead wanted to do this "the right way". She suggested 3 weeks from yesterday, which reminded me that my birthday is coming in 4 weeks. She thought that it would be a significant event and that I should come after that, so I took a deep breath, hesitated for a few seconds, then said, "I think we should leave it to 5 weeks from [yesteray]. If I don't have any doubts in that time frame, then I know that I cannot possibly regret this decision." DOOFUS! =)

I'm not sure what the usual practice is, but I feel that she'd probably vouch for my candidacy for T therapy in her referral to the psych. At the very least she might refer me to one who's more empathetic and likely to help the cause. But of course, this is probably wishful thinking.

There were some things from yesterday's session that I'd wanted to note down in this blog, but I might leave them for another post later. For now, I'm going to enjoy my new tv for a while!

Posted in counselling, transition

When Recreation becomes Stressful (rant)

Played tennis again today. Kicked butt again. Felt my fitness and strength pay off again. And was stressed out again.

Here's the scenario: our "sister team" was short of a girl, so my (stand-in) team captain volunteers to play as a reserve for them. The hook is, we're playing each other. Worse still, we're in the final round-robin round before the final play-offs, and we wanna ensure ourselves the second seed while helping the other team actually qualify for the semifinals.

Now, my team captain is one of those women who wories all the time about what other people think, about doing the right thing etc. So she asks me, should I play for this other team? What if we lose and come in third? So I say, we've always had the agreement to help each other out (although it's usually us doing the helping out), plus there's no way we'll lose this even with her playing. They're lucky if they'd get a single set off us with their own team members playing.

We know that we only need a few sets to get the points that we need, so our boys muck around in the first match and lose that. So my team captain gets a little more worried and nervous. Up comes the first women's match and my partner (whom I'm meeting for the first time) struggles, and my team captain starts getting paranoid. So what does she do? She starts throwing the match. So on the changeover, I say to her, "Just play your game. We'll be alright, we just need to get into the groove." And she continues to throw the game.

Now, her partner (we'll call her Y) doesn't say anything, and once we get off court, we sit around talking about how many points we'll need to ensure the seeding and how many points our sister team will need to ensure that they qualify. There are 13 points to go around - conveniently, we need 3 and they need 10. So we decide to split the points that way, and play the matches as normal but to report "fake" scores on the scoresheet. The next thing I know, Y is on court bitching about how she can't play against people with no morals and that if the scores were decided, we shouldn't have to play the matches.

So I get pissed off. I asked her what the problem was, and she says "nothing" in a pissy way. I go, "No, if there's a problem, we'll have to sort it out," because I'm pissed at the way she's acting especially considering that we were going to give them the overall win and all the points they needed (lowering my own stats and team's performance evaluation). She says, "I don't have to say anything. It's obvious enough what's going on." So I lose it, grab my bag and walk over to the other court where they're finishing up the other mixed doubles. And all hell breaks loose.

In short, she accuses us of having our team captain fill in for the team so that we can manipulate the score. This angers me and I ask if they have anyone else that could have played, as well as if they think that we'd discussed this and sent someone in to throw the match on purpose. Then Y's teammate gets angry, yelling at me that "we're not accusing you of anything!" which in turn makes me get up (Y's crying and sitting down and I was sitting down next to her), look him square in the eyes and say, "Don't you raise your voice at me," all steely-eyed Clint Eastwood-y.

By now everyone's standing around, and Y says, "So you guys think you're so great, that you would have won this [for sure]" and I say "Of course. Are you kidding me?" because I can't believe that these people think that they stood a chance against us. We've never lost any set we didn't want to against these people (yeah, guess how many times we've helped them qualify for the playoffs), and the only reason my team missed out on being promoted into the top grade last year was because of a rain-out.

Man am I pissed off. Not only was this anger directed at me while I'd encouraged my captain to not throw the match, but these hacks think that they're good players! It's not the first time I've seen this, but it makes me sick how some people think they're great at tennis when they'd be considered a social player at best. And before you point your finger at me, I'm a tennis thoroughbred and been through my paces, so yes, I am that good. My only problem in the past 4 years has been my fitness, and even then I was among the top picks in the damn area. My performance since coming back into the comp a few weeks ago should have been proof enough that I'm back in the groove, and still these people have the guts to mouth off like that.

My teammates worked to calm things down, although the conflict still wasn't resolved, they agree to finish the final 2 sets. Me and my partner were down 0-1 in our match, and despite a cut on my small finger and a deep gash on my forearm (clumsy me wasn't paying attention and gashed my arm on a metal plate on the fence at the end of the court area where I was sitting with my other 2 teammates while things were being sorted out) that was bleeding like mad and definitely needed stitches (we held it together with a few band-aids), we walked calmly out on court, played as non-aggressively as humanly possible and won 6 games in a row to take it 6-1.

So yeah. I hate that. I play in this stupid comp for some recreation and to meet up with friends, and this happens. Of course, my captain shouldn't have thrown her first match, but you'd think that people would be able to just take the handout we're giving to them and not bitch around on court. Right now, I'm hoping that they actually get into the final by some miracle just so that we can kick their arses in that.

While I'm at it, here are some other things that come to mind when I think of getting aggravated on court:

10. People who walk around (or worse yet, stand around juggling balls) behind the fence at the back of the court while a point is being played. How can I keep track of my opponents while keeping my eye on the ball when you're standing 2 metres away from them!

9. People who hold 2 balls while they're serving, and throw the second ball behind them if their first serve goes in. It's against the rules, it's dangerous, and it's bloody annoying. Get a fucking ball holder or some shorts with pockets.

8. People who don't call faults out loud, because you either let the ball go (not realising that the idiot on the other side of the net has called your serve that's a foot out, in) and lose the point, or othwise not only waste energy returning a dead ball, but losing your rhythm for the second serve.

7. Guys who use their women opponents for target practice in social mixed doubles. Look, just put the damn overhead away. You don't have to smack it right at the lady at net. I'll take them myself, no qualms at all, but it annoys me when they pick on the weaker/older women who definitely don't have the reflexes to get their racquet on the ball and don't always know to get out of the way.

6. People who should be passing you the ball but just hit it God knows where, just as long as it's on the other side of the court.

5. People who call my serves wide when they land right on the centre line. I swear 40% of my aces have been discounted this way.

4. People who call the lines when they're in no position to do so. No, you can't call my serve wide when you're standing at the net on the other side of the court, moron!

3. People who don't know the rules and yet want to argue the validity of their action. Once, in a mixed doubles match, this lady hit the ball twice with her racquet, and it obviously wasn't with one motion because she has an awkward forehand in which the racquet follows through in two parts. I call it, the point ends, and her partner says, no it's their point. I point out that her racquet didn't move in one motion, which she starts to deny. And then the guy says, "she didn't hit the ball twice." So I say, "You were standing in front of her, facing me at the net. You wanna tell me that she didn't hit the ball twice?" And you know what this guy has the balls to say to me? "I heard it." He's lucky I didn't smack the next overhead I had right in the middle of his back.

2. People who intentionally give bad line calls to the point of being notorious for doing so.

1. Hacks that yell, "Come on!" and do that damn Wilander (now adopted by Hewitt) non-fist pump after every point they win. Even when their opponent just double-faulted. Asshat.

Posted in rant

FtMs and MtFs

Here's something that occured to me sometime ago but I never got around to writing about. Dropping by The Gender Centre nearly every week means that I now know and regularly see a number of transgendered people, in pretty much every stage of transition. In fact, once conversation gets going and people gauge that the person they're talking to is comfortable enough with it, a common questions is "So, are you MtF or FtM?". It's mostly a question to us younger people though, since chances are that you're a very convincing fully-transitioned person or one who's only just starting out.

I learned early on not to make assumptions. Being who I am, I'm more likely to think of someone as FtM than otherwise; I was just lucky that I was cautious enough with the conversation in general to not put my foor in it. I'd only just arrived and the guy I'd met before, D, was talking to a very boyish-looking person with a bound chest that obviously had boobs on it. S/he was wearing a camo baseball cap, baggy camo pants and an olive green shirt with the sleeves cut off. S/he had no make-up on, but had short nails painted black in true goth style. We introduced ourselves, and I was given a very gender-ambiguous name, Z.

So without thinking, I figured that Z was in the same boat as us, although s/he was very silent while me and D started talking about bench presses and stuff. S/he eventually got up to go to the bathroom when I noticed that hir shirt was tied in the front to expose hir midriff, which threw me off. When s/he got back and joined in the conversation (we'd started talking about more neutral things like coming out, etc.) it suddenly dawned on me that Z was MtF and not the other way around! So that was a lesson well learnt.

The other thing that came to my mind was how much easier it is for FtMs to be accepted as bio-males than it is for MtFs as bio-women. In fact, I don't know of any who are ever accepted as bio-women - most are just accepted as being "what they are". I suppose the thing that balances it out is that men tend to be less forgiving and accepting, thus making it harder for FtMs to just be "one of the guys", whereas women are a lot more likely to welcome an MtF into their brood.

Anyway, women have enough trouble themselves trying to keep up with the high standards of appearance and grooming that have been set over the past decades. I can't imagine how difficult it would be for an MtF. In fact, I'm not sure if the tables were turned that I'd ever have the courage to make the change like these brave souls have! It really makes me happy to see these women walking around the Gender Centre where they're able to be less self-conscious and perhaps practice in relative comfort their mannerisms and such. They even have a great way of helping each other out with make-up tips and supplies, as well as with news of trans-friendly hairdressers/beauticians and the like!

Somehow I see none of this among FtMs, and the only reason I can see for this is that we integrate into "regular" society much better and tend to let go of our pasts without the need to hold on to any support groups. Or could it just be wishful thinking?

Posted in Gender-Centre, trans-friends, community

The Moira/Max Conundrum

Ok, I've always been a fan of the show The L Word, and was delighted at the start of Season 3 at the prospect of having Moira/Max come on the show. I figured, yeah, some publicity about the plight of us non-lesbian-identified lovers of women would be great especially if it helps the Gay and Lesbian community understand transgenderism. Boy am I disappointed.

Now, I may be biased, but I felt that the show did more to highlight how the lesbian community tends to not understand, misunderstand and condemn FtMs. It also made Max this angst-ridden abusive guy who not only couldn't keep his dick in his pants, but started knocking his girlfriend around after starting on T. Now, how is this good publicity again? And don't throw me any of that "any publicity is good publicity" bullshit.

The recurring theme with the whole situation was the question, "why did s/he need to role play like that?". And that bugs the heck out of me. Actually, most of riot-grrl feminism bugs the heck out of me. "Embrace your femininity!" I hear them say. "Don't let this patriarchal society tell you what you can't do!"

Well here's some news: I don't want to embrace my femininity. And I've never experienced first-hand any blatant discrimination because I'm a girl (neither was I brought up to think that only men can do certain things). I love that I have a woman's perspective on the world, and that I tend to think the way a woman does. I just don't like having boobs and curvy hips. I don't like acting in a feminine way. I'd die before I ever wear a dress or heels again. I cannot even think of ever giving birth (even though I love kids and will definitely have at least 1 child in the future). And sex just isn't as attractive when you're reminded of all of the above whenever your partner touches you.

Besides, how can you love someone fully when you can't even love yourself?

So to all you lesbians who think we're "bailing out" and trying to conform to heterosexual society, here's what I say: You tell everyone to have tolerance for each other and let you live life the way you want, and love who you fall in love with. That's pretty much all we want too.

Posted in L-Word, community, rant, personal

The Game of Life

Today was the first time I'd played tennis in a long while... and had fun. I can't really remember the last time I didn't spend 95% of my time on the court beating myself up and the other 5% trying to play shrink to my doubles partner. Maybe the counsellor was right - taking some time off from as many responsibilities as I could would be good for my soul.

5 years ago I'd play tennis nearly every day. Then came all the small responsibilities... they'd snuck up on me, one by one, until I got to the point where I'd be lucky if I did anything recreational in a week. And so my physical conditioning took a plunge, as well as my emotional health I suppose - I'm sure I could have been a real bitch to people who'd made my work just that bit tougher.

So I'd play social comps on Saturdays, beat myself up for the 5 hours for being unfit, for not playing anywhere near my potential, or for just choking away a 5-2 lead. I'd then spend the rest of the weekend obsessing with everything I did wrong, every single point that I should have done something different. I'd start to get over it by Monday morning, but the feeling loomed over me all week that the following Saturday would be different - I'd play aggressive when I had to, play the percentages when the time came, and not be so lazy on my feet. But the same things would happen, I'd get more aggravated as the day went on, and we'd be back to square one.

So I can seriously say that tennis was actually fun yesterday. I played my arse off, and can't think of a single thing I would've changed (except maybe my first serve percentage). Everyone who's known me long enough said that they hadn't seen me cream that forehand like that in years, and those who have only known me in recent years were amazed at how aggressive and effective I was at the front of the court. That felt real good. Even my shots felt real good, I was totally focused and knew exactly what to do on each point.

I can feel it... my game's coming back. We're playing on my turf now.

An occasion to break out the Superman Shorts

Posted in ala-mode, sunshine

Lost

It's not what you do. It's what you are.

Posted in quotes

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we...

It's been 3 months since starting this blog, since deciding to take a big step towards finding inner peace. In many ways, I'm already light years ahead of where I started from. Then again, I haven't even gotten my first dose of T yet. And every waking minute I feel like I'm going to burst if I don't go out and get that prescrition asap.

And then the rational bit in my brain says, "You know it's the best thing to wait. What's the hurry? You've waiting 25 years for this - what's 25 more days?" And the other 99% of my brain has to agree, whether it likes it or not. The waiting time will mean an extra month of fat-loss before the potential water-retention from T, an extra month of just chilling out before re-introducing major stress into my life, an extra month of preparing myself to prepare all those around me for the changes about to happen.

3 months ago I could barely bring myself to type the word "transsexual", and 2 months ago I could hardly get the word out of my mouth. Now I fully embrace my position on neither "end" of the gender spectrum - in fact, in my mind I'm already physically halfway through transition. I love how hairy my unshaven legs and pits have become. I love how broad and square my shoulders have become (a friend actually commented the other day. Sweet!). And I love checking out all those shoes and clothes I'll be getting when I have the right chest and hips. And all this before even starting T! I can't imagine how amazing I'll find all these little transformations when I actually get the stuff!

A couple of little notes: been hitting the bench press everytime I've got a couple minutes between things. Am pressing 20 kgs with 9/9/9 reps each time coupled with 9/9/9 reps butterfly with 4.5 kgs since my triceps feel the strain on the bench press more than my pecs do. Also on a more personal note, been practicing peeing standing up, which I used to be able to do like a pro (look ma, no hands!) up till age 11. Apparently it's not exactly like riding a bike...

Posted in transition, muscles, physique

Weight plates

Got a whole new bunch of weight plates to go with the new set-up, as well as to fill up the dumbells to a higher weight. They're a silver hammer-tone finish, stylishly-designed and I especially like the fact that they've got the hand-grips for easy handling. They're a little bigger than some plates due to the design, but they're thinner than those rubber-coated ones so more can fit onto the bars. Got my first workout getting them from the car up to the second floor!

My weight plates! (photo taken from some advertiser,
my apartment does NOT feature linoleum!)

Posted in muscles

Feeling pumped!

Found a great deal on a bench press with lateral pulldown, butterfly and preacher attachments this week after having looked around for weeks! Kmart had a great offer with 50% off rrp and so I ended up taking home the bench for $99, although I had to think long and hard about this. It's a made-in-China, not-heard-of brand so I don't expect too much from it even though it's got a 2 year warranty and the steel tubing seems sturdy. Box says that it'll take up to 270 kgs of weight, so that's alright considering I don't think I'll be pressing 200 kgs anytime soon. There's a deal on eBay though that includes the same attachments, but looks like a much better quality product for about $380 including 100 kgs of weights and barbell included. Pick-up was available from within 6 kms of my place, so postage wouldn't be a problem.

Anyway, I'm excited since I'll finally be able to work my upper back, which I couldn't do otherwise. Now I've gotta figure out where I'm gonna get some more weight plates since the 10 kgs I have is far from enough. Can't wait till it's set up and I can run it through its paces!

Posted in transition, new-id, muscles

Pre-T Effects?

The last week and a half have been totally wierd! I've had an energy charge running through my body, and I've been "feeling my muscles work" even though I'm still carrying this excess weight around. Also, I've been feeling quite sexually charged, which isn't helped by the fact that I've been having frequent recurring dreams with the same theme - that I'm walking around in a dude's body, but it's like I'd fallen asleep in a girl's bod one day and suddenly woken up with a bloke's the next morning, so it's strange and I have to go around getting used to it even though everyone else doesn't seem surprised at all and treat me like "normal".

I'm starting to get really impatient with waiting for my parents to get here before going in to see the psych and starting T therapy. On the one hand, I feel like I'd explode if I didn't go get the referral by next week, and on the other hand, I understand that it's probably the most logical thing to just wait another 4-5 weeks. Sigh.

What I am sure about is my decision to transition. No more hemming and hewing, no more worrying about what I might be getting myself into. I've felt like a million bucks since knowing that I'll be really starting transition in a few weeks, and I don't even need to understand the reason why to know that it's simply the thought of finally having a body that will allow me to live as male that is making me feel this great.

I think that making that list of pros and cons has really helped with this. I'd put the list on my little Palm that I carry around all the time, and the good thing about that was that everytime a thought hit me about how transitioning could affect my life, I could write it down immediately. Simply addressing and recognising these issues allowed me to let go of them, and I simply don't worry about them anymore.

Also, I'd noticed that I'd had trouble starting my FAQ that I'd wanted to put together for when "coming out" to my parents. However, I feel that having put down practically all my concerns on my "pros & cons" list has emancipated me such that I now have a million things running through my head that need to be in this FAQ. And knowing that I'll be able to "come out" properly to my parents, in a way that they'll least freak out, has made me feel even more like I'm being released from a bad dream.

Methinks I might work on the bike a little this Sunday and go for a ride!

Posted in transition, coming-out, ala-mode

Second Session with the Counsellor

Last Wednesday was my second session with Gaye, and it went perfectly except maybe for one thing. We went over various things, mostly pertaining to my trip home; she noted that I seemed very relaxed and confident this time around. She did clarify that she had thought me confident the last time around as well, but that I seemed more sure of myself this time. At first, I'd thought that maybe it was due to the last time being my first visit to the centre, but as I mulled the thought over, I realised that I was indeed feeling very relaxed and cocksure (hee!), and had been so since returning home.

I also mentioned that I'd come to a point where I was at peace and satisfied with the idea of not "transitioning perfectly" to male, that is, there is a point along the male-female continuum that I would be perfectly satisfied to be at. This is a great relief to me, as half my fears of starting transition are based on not being able to get as close as I'd like to being a bio male.

One more thing that I'd realised during the session was that I'm looking at everything (well, at least wrt transitioning) with a more positive outlook now. Before, for every positive I could think of with transitioning, I'd come up with the negative aspect and all the potential problems I'd have to face. Now, I tend to concentrate on the positive, and even though I recognise the potential negative, my attitude's more like, "well, that comes with the territory and I'll deal with it when the time comes."

At the end of the session, while Gaye seemed convinced and glad that my recent exploits have had a visible impact on my life, she'd also scheduled another meeting for just after my parents get here in April. I asked if she thought that I was ready for a meeting with the psych (the last step before getting in to see an endo for T) even though I hadn't talked to my parents. She said that it seemed like a good idea to wait, especially since there's been so much sudden change in my life and that I seemed very content at this time; that would give me a chance to enjoy this slow period a little before introducing more drama into things. Also, it would give me a chance to let my new "healthy lifestyle" kick in before starting T. She added at the end that I didn't seem to be desperate for it, and that I would have pressed harder if I was - a very valid point, and I believed her when she said that she would have given me the referral had I insisted on it.

Truth be told, although I would love to start T asap, I agreed with her decision. Heck, I've waited all my life, another month won't kill me! Besides, like she said, I'm enjoying this new "lease on life" at the moment. Having to wait for the referral only gives me something else to look forward to!

Posted in counselling, transition, goals

I'm back! part V: The Flight Home

The flight home was a little more brutal than the trip there, mainly because it was the red eye. I had mom and dad with me so I couldn't quite be myself at the check-in desk, although I did have a little chat and asked for my usual aisle seat on the flight. It might just be me, but the check-in ladies seem to be a lot less surly nowadays, and have been extremely pleasant so far!

Don't kick me, but I was a little disappointed checking out the flight attendants filing through as I found out that the flight was delayed by an hour while waiting at the gate. There were a few backpacker-types on the flight who were very attractive, although all but one that I noticed were accompanied by a boyfriend. Again, the flight was very full, but yours truly lucked out (or was it really luck?)and got an aisle seat on the right side of the plane, a couple of rows from the front and an empty seat between me and a middle-aged Chinese woman who sat by the window. The lady slept through most of the flight and was very pelasant to talk to during mealtimes, and I always enjoy some good conversation over food.

Now, most people slept through the beginning of the flight, and I'd noticed an attractive brunette backpacker-type sitting across the aisle and one row in front of me when she'd gotten up to get something from the overhead compartment while they were serving breakfast (no open inverted commas this time). I still had my sunglasses on from when I was sleeping, and I noticed that when she'd settled back into her seat, she turned around to look at me. I busied myself putting the sunglasses away pretending not to notice, and she turned back to face the front shortly. Several times while I was reading or having a swig of water (I always carry a bottle with me on the plane as it's really dry) or getting something or other from my backpack (which I'd gotten down and placed on the empty seat next to me), I noticed her turn around to look at me for a while.

About the fourth or fifth time, she'd turned around while I was looking up, and having caught my eye, smiled warmly. I smiled back, and went back to my article (mr. too-cool-for-school). I got up shortly after to go to the toilet up front, and I felt her gaze follow me; when I got there and found both toilets occupied, I stood there stretching out my limbs and noticed that she was still gazing my way, so I looked up and grinned a cheeky grin, which again drew a big smile from her.

When I got back to my seat, I reached for my pack of chewing gum and found 1 stick left which I needed. So I got the gummy drops out and offered it to her (I'd offered one earlier to the lady beside me and she'd declined). She took the pack, looked in and looked back up, saying there's only one left. I shrugged, saying that she could have it then, and she said thanks and took it. We had a short conversation after, with her saying that it was pretty cold (she was wrapped in 2 blankets) and me offering her my unused one (or should I have offered something else?).

The guy sitting in front of me interrupted our conversation (I'd suspected that they and a third girl were travelling together) and I went back to my book, so that was that for me. Although I understood the announcements in German, I felt a little tongue-tied after not having used it for so long that I really didn't want to start up the conversation again only to run out of things to say very quickly. It was rather cool though that this male flight attendant thought me Austrian and kept addressing me in German.

Other than halping out the Chinese lady with her hand luggage, the airport was uneventful and I got a taxi very quickly. The taxi driver was something else though, and had lots of tales of the various proposals he's had in his years driving taxis. He was more helpful than most when it came to helping with the luggage though, so I humoured him although I was really looking forward to just getting home. Got home in 20 minutes, off to Bowral to pick up my little ones (they'd had an absolute ball on the 2-acre farm) and got fed lamb cutlets by the old lady who'd looked after them, then finally home for real at 2am that night. Thank God I didn't have to get up early the next day!

All in all, I'm glad I took this trip. I'm in a very good place right now, and my life is heading in a good direction from the best possible starting point. Maybe this trip was more than a trip home; maybe it's the event that marks the end of one volume and the start of another, one where I'm in full control and can finally think "want" instead of "should".

Posted in oats, the-tribe, new-id

I'm back! part IV: The Good, The Bad and The One They Call "Ugly"

Everyone who hadn't seen me in years, as well as those who'd met me for the first time have reportedly said that among other things, I am a very charming person. This surprised me because I know many things about myself, but this I never really thought about. It does however explain how people tend to react to myself, including people I meet while out and about. Now, I'd considered changing my last name when I do legally change my name, and I'd wanted to pick one that had some meaning to it. So this made me think: why not pick a word that meant "charm" or "charming"? It seems to be a quality that I enjoy very much, and I feel that my other dominant characteristics would be a little strong for a last name (overkill, anyone?).

Now, what language to pick? I speak several myself, but none but one provided an attractive enough solution. The one potential language: Italian, which would be perfect as well since the first woman I'd ever fallen in love with is Italian, and we remain very close even though we're too far apart too often to maintain a relationship. The Italian word for "charm": fascino (fah-shee-no). Didn't sound too bad. The feminine of the word though, "fascina" actually means faggot, which is not too bad I suppose as we're all one big LGBT family anyway. So this is the first in the list of surnames that I will consider when the time comes.

Another thought that came up repeatedly was that part of this "charm" could hinge on the fact that I am female. That is, if I were male, my behaviour/demeanour might be considered ordinary, or even worse, perhaps annoying or creepy! This is a disturbing consideration that must be made, as I'd much rather be a happy woman than a miserable man! Of course, should push come to shove, I'm sure I'd be able to adapt my inside to match my outside (ironic, as this whole process is about adapting my outside to match my inside!), just to counter the social programming that comes with growing up as a girl.

Also, there were quite a few things that I'd done with my friends and family that are considered women's activities, such as getting manicures, going to a spa and simply chatting/gossiping about things. I also enjoy hanging out "with the girls", something that may become difficult after transition. In any case, this prompted me to start an earnest pros/cons list, not so much to decide whether to transition or not, but simply to consider very carefully all the consequences that may come, to avoid feeling cheated/disappointed once past the point of no return.

I will put my list up soon, and I urge you to consider doing the same before making what may be the biggest decision or your life. Knowing the possibilities of the situation will allow you to enjoy your new lease on life a lot better!

Posted in personal, new-id, gender

I'm back! part III: In Good Company

I did manage to meet a good friend of mine several times when I was home. J was my best friend in Year 3 of school, but we were separated into different classes after that, and had different friends for a while after that. We became thick as thieves again in Year 7 through the rest of our school days, especially in our final 2 years, where we were the closest among our group of 5.

J recently came out to our group of friends as a lesbian, and as a result, I'd come out to her myself, first as a lesbian and then later as a transsexual, which made us even closer even though we're a continent apart. So she'd offered to show me around when I got back, and introduce me to her queer circle of friends.

I must say that I found this group of crazy individuals extemely nice and side-splittingly funny. Some were highly intelligent and up on current events, others were just looking for a few good laughs among friends, while yet others were out for a buzz and a good time. The one thing they all had in common was that they were all confident of themselves, and had no qualms with talking about their love for women. This is extraordinary as they live in a society that will not accept their homosexuality, and most have parents that would certainly disown them should they know of their child's activities.

One other thing I'd noticed when I'd gone back - the city and shopping malls were littered with very androgynous and gender-bending individuals (using the word "littered", I don't mean to imply that these people are rubbish). This was extraordinary as my understanding was that most people could not distinguish between sexuality and gender identity, so these people would have a very clear idea of what they wanted from themselves, despite living in a rather traditional environment! Indeed, most of the lesbians that I'd met believed that the "maleness" in them caused them to be homosexual, and this was culminated in the fact that I saw perhaps 30 butch lesbians for every femme one that I saw. I even saw lots of butch-butch pairings, perhaps from those driven to desperation in finding a partner and not really understanding that that girl in the frock could actually be interested in girls as well.

In any case, I'm glad that J has a great bunch of friends and group support that can understand where she's coming from. I can't wait for the next time I come home to meet the bunch again!

Posted in friends, personal, community

I'm back! part II: Biting the Bullet

One thing I'd said to Gaye the counsellor before heading off on my trip was this: that I'd know for sure how right starting transition would be for me based on my trip back to see my family, i.e. if I felt strongly enough about the need to transition, I'd be able to act myself and not how I think they think I should. Also, those of you who've been paying attention will know that I'd planned on "coming out" to my parents as well this trip, having known that I might not see them for a while after this trip.

Well, I'm not so happy to say that I couldn't bring myself to really bite the bullet. I did have a little nibble though. Firstly, I brought no clothes that even came anywhere close to being feminine (I own close to nil such items of clothing, and those that are on the fem side of unisex are practically in permanent storage), although most of them weren't screaming "male". Actually, I lied. I did have to bring some bras, without which I should not be seen in public.

Secondly, I'd had a semi heart-to-heart with my parents about various things. We'd had the house to ourselves one day (we moved into a house with my aunt's family, since we're all overseas all the time these few years and hence had no reason to keep the house we were living in) and I said I had something I needed to talk to them about. I was sweating bullets before I could actually say this, and they became all serious and ready to listen. This made me nervous/embarassed to actually say anything, and they asked if I was trying to come out as a lesbian. I've always known that they'd be supportive of whatever I did if they knew that it was thought through or something I really believed in, so it wasn't surprising that they were quite frank about addressing this. However, it also made me think, "Geez. If they're going to be so serious about me being gay, they're probably going to be really upset when I tell them that not only do I like women, but I want to transition from female to male!" And so I chickened out, and couldn't tell them what I'd originally wanted to.

Now, before you start shaking your heads, they did say that they were planning to make a visit here to Sydney in a month or so, and that they might stay for a couple of months while they travelled around. Being cheapskates, we all understood that they'd be staying at my place while they were here. Okay, it's not that we're cheap, it's that we're a very close family (I was going to use the word "tight", then thought the better of it).

Anyway, I'd decided then that it may be a little easier to tell them the truth then, instead of while I was in an extra vulnerable position in my aunts house. Firstly, like I said, my extended family are more traditional in values (they said not to hang out with my childhood friend who'd come out as a lesbian too much, in case she was a "bad influence". I must have missed the memo that said that homosexuality is highly contagious). My mum would have found it difficult not to talk to her sister about this, who in turn would not be able to keep this from the rest of my extended family (our family's like that, we're all too close for secrets), and I'm not ready for that just yet, even though they all love me to bits. Secondly, my friend agreed that they'd be in a different state of mind while over here, and would probably take it better.

Thirdly, I'd brought a bunch of books with me on transgenderism, including a mini-pile of The Gender Centre's Polare back-issues to go through. While I didn't leave "FTM: Female-to-Male Transsexuals in Society" lying around (that stayed in my open backpack), I did carry around "Dear Sir or Madam" with me, getting in a couple of pages whenever I had the chance (mostly on the toilet, hehe). That probably seemed an innocent enough title at first, but it had the words "female-to-male transsexual" in smaller letters on the back cover, and I'm sure they noticed after a while. When I brought out the stack of Polare to go through, one of them had a picture of 2 women kissing on the front cover, and the combination prompted my mum to ask what it was that I was reading, which I managed to shrug off. I left a few issues lying around where my bags and stuff were, and I'm almost sure that my mum flipped through them, knowing her all-too-well. My youngest cousin also did, although she'd casually asked what I was reading and picked one up. She's probably the first one in my extended family I'd be alright with coming out to.

Anyway, I think that mum didn't bring this up either because she doesn't realise the difference between sexuality and gender identity, or because she understands that I myself am still learning about this condition and myself, and am weighing the pros and cons on starting anything. A couple of days before I was due to leave, my parents cornered me in their room after I'd come out from their bathroom from taking a shower, and asked if there was anything else that was serious that I wanted to talk about. I'd said no, and that I'd talk to them if I myself was sure that there was something to talk about. They asked me only once again, just to be sure, and ended it at that.

I certainly hope that they've got a bug planted in their ears about the right thing, as this will give them some time to get used to the idea before heading down to Oz land. If not, I'll have a bunch of literature for them to read, as well as a list of issues I'd like to address when I come out to them, to best put them at ease. Most importantly, I'll have to assure them that I'm sure about my decision, and that I've done my groundwork about things.

I'm going to put 2 posts up that will be updated over the next month: issues I will address when I come out, and the pros and cons of starting my transition. If you think that I've left anything out that I should consider, please leave comments on the respective posts, they will be greatly appreciated.

Oh, I forgot to add that we'd been watch shopping throughout my visit home, as we wanted to be sure of getting the right watch and not just hastily buying the first one we liked. At the beginning, (as with every watch-buying expedition before) my mum procalimed every watch too big even though she knows I've got big arms (from playing tennis since forever) and the smaller ladies' watches look ridiculous on me. On the final day though, when we'd narrowed the selection down to a couple, she pointed out a massive one that was bigger than any I'd even dared to pick out! Surely something must have sparked her change of mind.

Posted in family, transition, coming-out, friends, gender, sexuality, personal, new-id

I'm back! part I: The Flight There

I'm back from my 4-week holiday, so I've now got free access to the Net 24/7, and can start posting regularly again. I thought I'd be posting semi-regularly at least while I was away, but there was so much to do every day that I feel like I need a holiday now from my holiday.

There's so much to write about the 4 weeks, so much that I thought of and so much that happened, that I'm not sure that I'll get it all down in this Blog. I will try my best though, because it's my way of organising my thoughts and feelings, as well as having a record of my experiences - and I'd like to record every significant event during this trying but extremely positive period.

Getting to the airport was a pain, since everyone I knew with a car was at work at the time I had to get to the airport, and I'm not the sort to let someone take the day off work to drive me the short distance. Cheapskate that I am, I'd decided to take the train into the airport, not thinking through the fact that I was carrying 4 massive canvases that were not too heavy but fucking unwieldy to carry. Carrying my backpack (hand luggage) and duffel bag (luggage) as well, I struggled to get even halfway to the train station, and no taxis were around (the damn canvases wouldn't even have fit into a cab had one passed by). A nice woman with a hint of an Irish accent came to the rescue and helped me carry the thing to the railway. It wasn't easy even with the 2 of us holding an end each, and I the woman will forever have my gratitude. I'm used to being the one doing the helping and not the one being helped, so I wasn't exactly totally comfortable with the role reversal.

I was pouring with sweat by the time I got the the airport, so it was a good thing that I'd brought my clothes for the flight instead of wearing them. I'd arrived early, and so had plenty of time for a shower in the lounge, changing into a black shirt and jacket. The duty free provided a change from my usual selection of eau de toilette and perfumes. Riding high on my recent coming-to-terms with my gender identity, I felt brave enough to sample the men's ranges and settled on one that I liked enough to spritz myself with, but not enough to actually buy.

As a sidenote, I've only got 1 men's fragrance at home, Bvlgari Blv pour Homme. The rest are more neutral fragrances like Hugo Boss' Hugo Woman and Ralph Lauren's Polo Sport Woman and Romance. One of the things I'd like to do is finish off these women's fragrances and start replacing them with men's.

The flight was very pleasant, and the young Boshnjak sitting next to me provided some good conversation. I usually don't drink much on flights, firstly because of the dehydration and secondly because I'd like to have my senses with me in case of emergency, but I'd decided after the struggle to get to the airport and with the upcoming visit home that I'd take advantage of the inflight bar this time. Now, I hold my drink a little too well, which means that a night out anywhere is expensive if I want even a tiny buzz, so a free open bar is always a welcome occasion.

Just after the plane took off though, while I was rooting through the pocket on the seat in front of me, a little blonde flight attendant rushed past and got herself elbowed on the hip bone. Now, I felt the collision on my elbow, so I can only imagine how much her hip hurt. She doubled over and I immediately got up and asked if she was alright. Her eyes welled with tears, she took a while to compose herself, but eventually got a smile on her face and said that she'd be alright. The next time she came by was with the drinks cart, and I asked if she'd been able to get some ice on where she'd been elbowed. She said she'd had, but only for a short while, and we both commented on the fact that she'd have a rather big bruise.

On the upside, she was very attentive after that. She'd stop to ask if I wanted anything whenever she came by, and would always smile if she was in more of a hurry. I'd asked for a Scotch (whisky) and Coke (yes, the cola) just before asking after her that first time she'd come by with the drinks cart, and she'd given me a standard drink as expected. What was unexpected was that after said little chat (while she was serving the rest of my row), she asked if the drink was alright and if I'd like a little extra scotch in it. I sure did, and every drink she brought me after that was most definitely a double (except for the scotch and apple juice I had with "breakfast". Even then she'd asked if she'd been right in making the drink more "breakfast"-friendly and had the bottle ready for a top-up).

There was a point to this little story by the way, which will come into play in a later post. In the meantime, I'll get started on my next post. So much to write, and I hope I remember everything!

Posted in oats