I'm back! part II: Biting the Bullet

One thing I'd said to Gaye the counsellor before heading off on my trip was this: that I'd know for sure how right starting transition would be for me based on my trip back to see my family, i.e. if I felt strongly enough about the need to transition, I'd be able to act myself and not how I think they think I should. Also, those of you who've been paying attention will know that I'd planned on "coming out" to my parents as well this trip, having known that I might not see them for a while after this trip.

Well, I'm not so happy to say that I couldn't bring myself to really bite the bullet. I did have a little nibble though. Firstly, I brought no clothes that even came anywhere close to being feminine (I own close to nil such items of clothing, and those that are on the fem side of unisex are practically in permanent storage), although most of them weren't screaming "male". Actually, I lied. I did have to bring some bras, without which I should not be seen in public.

Secondly, I'd had a semi heart-to-heart with my parents about various things. We'd had the house to ourselves one day (we moved into a house with my aunt's family, since we're all overseas all the time these few years and hence had no reason to keep the house we were living in) and I said I had something I needed to talk to them about. I was sweating bullets before I could actually say this, and they became all serious and ready to listen. This made me nervous/embarassed to actually say anything, and they asked if I was trying to come out as a lesbian. I've always known that they'd be supportive of whatever I did if they knew that it was thought through or something I really believed in, so it wasn't surprising that they were quite frank about addressing this. However, it also made me think, "Geez. If they're going to be so serious about me being gay, they're probably going to be really upset when I tell them that not only do I like women, but I want to transition from female to male!" And so I chickened out, and couldn't tell them what I'd originally wanted to.

Now, before you start shaking your heads, they did say that they were planning to make a visit here to Sydney in a month or so, and that they might stay for a couple of months while they travelled around. Being cheapskates, we all understood that they'd be staying at my place while they were here. Okay, it's not that we're cheap, it's that we're a very close family (I was going to use the word "tight", then thought the better of it).

Anyway, I'd decided then that it may be a little easier to tell them the truth then, instead of while I was in an extra vulnerable position in my aunts house. Firstly, like I said, my extended family are more traditional in values (they said not to hang out with my childhood friend who'd come out as a lesbian too much, in case she was a "bad influence". I must have missed the memo that said that homosexuality is highly contagious). My mum would have found it difficult not to talk to her sister about this, who in turn would not be able to keep this from the rest of my extended family (our family's like that, we're all too close for secrets), and I'm not ready for that just yet, even though they all love me to bits. Secondly, my friend agreed that they'd be in a different state of mind while over here, and would probably take it better.

Thirdly, I'd brought a bunch of books with me on transgenderism, including a mini-pile of The Gender Centre's Polare back-issues to go through. While I didn't leave "FTM: Female-to-Male Transsexuals in Society" lying around (that stayed in my open backpack), I did carry around "Dear Sir or Madam" with me, getting in a couple of pages whenever I had the chance (mostly on the toilet, hehe). That probably seemed an innocent enough title at first, but it had the words "female-to-male transsexual" in smaller letters on the back cover, and I'm sure they noticed after a while. When I brought out the stack of Polare to go through, one of them had a picture of 2 women kissing on the front cover, and the combination prompted my mum to ask what it was that I was reading, which I managed to shrug off. I left a few issues lying around where my bags and stuff were, and I'm almost sure that my mum flipped through them, knowing her all-too-well. My youngest cousin also did, although she'd casually asked what I was reading and picked one up. She's probably the first one in my extended family I'd be alright with coming out to.

Anyway, I think that mum didn't bring this up either because she doesn't realise the difference between sexuality and gender identity, or because she understands that I myself am still learning about this condition and myself, and am weighing the pros and cons on starting anything. A couple of days before I was due to leave, my parents cornered me in their room after I'd come out from their bathroom from taking a shower, and asked if there was anything else that was serious that I wanted to talk about. I'd said no, and that I'd talk to them if I myself was sure that there was something to talk about. They asked me only once again, just to be sure, and ended it at that.

I certainly hope that they've got a bug planted in their ears about the right thing, as this will give them some time to get used to the idea before heading down to Oz land. If not, I'll have a bunch of literature for them to read, as well as a list of issues I'd like to address when I come out to them, to best put them at ease. Most importantly, I'll have to assure them that I'm sure about my decision, and that I've done my groundwork about things.

I'm going to put 2 posts up that will be updated over the next month: issues I will address when I come out, and the pros and cons of starting my transition. If you think that I've left anything out that I should consider, please leave comments on the respective posts, they will be greatly appreciated.

Oh, I forgot to add that we'd been watch shopping throughout my visit home, as we wanted to be sure of getting the right watch and not just hastily buying the first one we liked. At the beginning, (as with every watch-buying expedition before) my mum procalimed every watch too big even though she knows I've got big arms (from playing tennis since forever) and the smaller ladies' watches look ridiculous on me. On the final day though, when we'd narrowed the selection down to a couple, she pointed out a massive one that was bigger than any I'd even dared to pick out! Surely something must have sparked her change of mind.

Posted in family, transition, coming-out, friends, gender, sexuality, personal, new-id