FtMs and MtFs

Here's something that occured to me sometime ago but I never got around to writing about. Dropping by The Gender Centre nearly every week means that I now know and regularly see a number of transgendered people, in pretty much every stage of transition. In fact, once conversation gets going and people gauge that the person they're talking to is comfortable enough with it, a common questions is "So, are you MtF or FtM?". It's mostly a question to us younger people though, since chances are that you're a very convincing fully-transitioned person or one who's only just starting out.

I learned early on not to make assumptions. Being who I am, I'm more likely to think of someone as FtM than otherwise; I was just lucky that I was cautious enough with the conversation in general to not put my foor in it. I'd only just arrived and the guy I'd met before, D, was talking to a very boyish-looking person with a bound chest that obviously had boobs on it. S/he was wearing a camo baseball cap, baggy camo pants and an olive green shirt with the sleeves cut off. S/he had no make-up on, but had short nails painted black in true goth style. We introduced ourselves, and I was given a very gender-ambiguous name, Z.

So without thinking, I figured that Z was in the same boat as us, although s/he was very silent while me and D started talking about bench presses and stuff. S/he eventually got up to go to the bathroom when I noticed that hir shirt was tied in the front to expose hir midriff, which threw me off. When s/he got back and joined in the conversation (we'd started talking about more neutral things like coming out, etc.) it suddenly dawned on me that Z was MtF and not the other way around! So that was a lesson well learnt.

The other thing that came to my mind was how much easier it is for FtMs to be accepted as bio-males than it is for MtFs as bio-women. In fact, I don't know of any who are ever accepted as bio-women - most are just accepted as being "what they are". I suppose the thing that balances it out is that men tend to be less forgiving and accepting, thus making it harder for FtMs to just be "one of the guys", whereas women are a lot more likely to welcome an MtF into their brood.

Anyway, women have enough trouble themselves trying to keep up with the high standards of appearance and grooming that have been set over the past decades. I can't imagine how difficult it would be for an MtF. In fact, I'm not sure if the tables were turned that I'd ever have the courage to make the change like these brave souls have! It really makes me happy to see these women walking around the Gender Centre where they're able to be less self-conscious and perhaps practice in relative comfort their mannerisms and such. They even have a great way of helping each other out with make-up tips and supplies, as well as with news of trans-friendly hairdressers/beauticians and the like!

Somehow I see none of this among FtMs, and the only reason I can see for this is that we integrate into "regular" society much better and tend to let go of our pasts without the need to hold on to any support groups. Or could it just be wishful thinking?

Posted in Gender-Centre, trans-friends, community

The Moira/Max Conundrum

Ok, I've always been a fan of the show The L Word, and was delighted at the start of Season 3 at the prospect of having Moira/Max come on the show. I figured, yeah, some publicity about the plight of us non-lesbian-identified lovers of women would be great especially if it helps the Gay and Lesbian community understand transgenderism. Boy am I disappointed.

Now, I may be biased, but I felt that the show did more to highlight how the lesbian community tends to not understand, misunderstand and condemn FtMs. It also made Max this angst-ridden abusive guy who not only couldn't keep his dick in his pants, but started knocking his girlfriend around after starting on T. Now, how is this good publicity again? And don't throw me any of that "any publicity is good publicity" bullshit.

The recurring theme with the whole situation was the question, "why did s/he need to role play like that?". And that bugs the heck out of me. Actually, most of riot-grrl feminism bugs the heck out of me. "Embrace your femininity!" I hear them say. "Don't let this patriarchal society tell you what you can't do!"

Well here's some news: I don't want to embrace my femininity. And I've never experienced first-hand any blatant discrimination because I'm a girl (neither was I brought up to think that only men can do certain things). I love that I have a woman's perspective on the world, and that I tend to think the way a woman does. I just don't like having boobs and curvy hips. I don't like acting in a feminine way. I'd die before I ever wear a dress or heels again. I cannot even think of ever giving birth (even though I love kids and will definitely have at least 1 child in the future). And sex just isn't as attractive when you're reminded of all of the above whenever your partner touches you.

Besides, how can you love someone fully when you can't even love yourself?

So to all you lesbians who think we're "bailing out" and trying to conform to heterosexual society, here's what I say: You tell everyone to have tolerance for each other and let you live life the way you want, and love who you fall in love with. That's pretty much all we want too.

Posted in L-Word, community, rant, personal

The Game of Life

Today was the first time I'd played tennis in a long while... and had fun. I can't really remember the last time I didn't spend 95% of my time on the court beating myself up and the other 5% trying to play shrink to my doubles partner. Maybe the counsellor was right - taking some time off from as many responsibilities as I could would be good for my soul.

5 years ago I'd play tennis nearly every day. Then came all the small responsibilities... they'd snuck up on me, one by one, until I got to the point where I'd be lucky if I did anything recreational in a week. And so my physical conditioning took a plunge, as well as my emotional health I suppose - I'm sure I could have been a real bitch to people who'd made my work just that bit tougher.

So I'd play social comps on Saturdays, beat myself up for the 5 hours for being unfit, for not playing anywhere near my potential, or for just choking away a 5-2 lead. I'd then spend the rest of the weekend obsessing with everything I did wrong, every single point that I should have done something different. I'd start to get over it by Monday morning, but the feeling loomed over me all week that the following Saturday would be different - I'd play aggressive when I had to, play the percentages when the time came, and not be so lazy on my feet. But the same things would happen, I'd get more aggravated as the day went on, and we'd be back to square one.

So I can seriously say that tennis was actually fun yesterday. I played my arse off, and can't think of a single thing I would've changed (except maybe my first serve percentage). Everyone who's known me long enough said that they hadn't seen me cream that forehand like that in years, and those who have only known me in recent years were amazed at how aggressive and effective I was at the front of the court. That felt real good. Even my shots felt real good, I was totally focused and knew exactly what to do on each point.

I can feel it... my game's coming back. We're playing on my turf now.

An occasion to break out the Superman Shorts

Posted in ala-mode, sunshine

Lost

It's not what you do. It's what you are.

Posted in quotes

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we...

It's been 3 months since starting this blog, since deciding to take a big step towards finding inner peace. In many ways, I'm already light years ahead of where I started from. Then again, I haven't even gotten my first dose of T yet. And every waking minute I feel like I'm going to burst if I don't go out and get that prescrition asap.

And then the rational bit in my brain says, "You know it's the best thing to wait. What's the hurry? You've waiting 25 years for this - what's 25 more days?" And the other 99% of my brain has to agree, whether it likes it or not. The waiting time will mean an extra month of fat-loss before the potential water-retention from T, an extra month of just chilling out before re-introducing major stress into my life, an extra month of preparing myself to prepare all those around me for the changes about to happen.

3 months ago I could barely bring myself to type the word "transsexual", and 2 months ago I could hardly get the word out of my mouth. Now I fully embrace my position on neither "end" of the gender spectrum - in fact, in my mind I'm already physically halfway through transition. I love how hairy my unshaven legs and pits have become. I love how broad and square my shoulders have become (a friend actually commented the other day. Sweet!). And I love checking out all those shoes and clothes I'll be getting when I have the right chest and hips. And all this before even starting T! I can't imagine how amazing I'll find all these little transformations when I actually get the stuff!

A couple of little notes: been hitting the bench press everytime I've got a couple minutes between things. Am pressing 20 kgs with 9/9/9 reps each time coupled with 9/9/9 reps butterfly with 4.5 kgs since my triceps feel the strain on the bench press more than my pecs do. Also on a more personal note, been practicing peeing standing up, which I used to be able to do like a pro (look ma, no hands!) up till age 11. Apparently it's not exactly like riding a bike...

Posted in transition, muscles, physique

Weight plates

Got a whole new bunch of weight plates to go with the new set-up, as well as to fill up the dumbells to a higher weight. They're a silver hammer-tone finish, stylishly-designed and I especially like the fact that they've got the hand-grips for easy handling. They're a little bigger than some plates due to the design, but they're thinner than those rubber-coated ones so more can fit onto the bars. Got my first workout getting them from the car up to the second floor!

My weight plates! (photo taken from some advertiser,
my apartment does NOT feature linoleum!)

Posted in muscles

Feeling pumped!

Found a great deal on a bench press with lateral pulldown, butterfly and preacher attachments this week after having looked around for weeks! Kmart had a great offer with 50% off rrp and so I ended up taking home the bench for $99, although I had to think long and hard about this. It's a made-in-China, not-heard-of brand so I don't expect too much from it even though it's got a 2 year warranty and the steel tubing seems sturdy. Box says that it'll take up to 270 kgs of weight, so that's alright considering I don't think I'll be pressing 200 kgs anytime soon. There's a deal on eBay though that includes the same attachments, but looks like a much better quality product for about $380 including 100 kgs of weights and barbell included. Pick-up was available from within 6 kms of my place, so postage wouldn't be a problem.

Anyway, I'm excited since I'll finally be able to work my upper back, which I couldn't do otherwise. Now I've gotta figure out where I'm gonna get some more weight plates since the 10 kgs I have is far from enough. Can't wait till it's set up and I can run it through its paces!

Posted in transition, new-id, muscles

Pre-T Effects?

The last week and a half have been totally wierd! I've had an energy charge running through my body, and I've been "feeling my muscles work" even though I'm still carrying this excess weight around. Also, I've been feeling quite sexually charged, which isn't helped by the fact that I've been having frequent recurring dreams with the same theme - that I'm walking around in a dude's body, but it's like I'd fallen asleep in a girl's bod one day and suddenly woken up with a bloke's the next morning, so it's strange and I have to go around getting used to it even though everyone else doesn't seem surprised at all and treat me like "normal".

I'm starting to get really impatient with waiting for my parents to get here before going in to see the psych and starting T therapy. On the one hand, I feel like I'd explode if I didn't go get the referral by next week, and on the other hand, I understand that it's probably the most logical thing to just wait another 4-5 weeks. Sigh.

What I am sure about is my decision to transition. No more hemming and hewing, no more worrying about what I might be getting myself into. I've felt like a million bucks since knowing that I'll be really starting transition in a few weeks, and I don't even need to understand the reason why to know that it's simply the thought of finally having a body that will allow me to live as male that is making me feel this great.

I think that making that list of pros and cons has really helped with this. I'd put the list on my little Palm that I carry around all the time, and the good thing about that was that everytime a thought hit me about how transitioning could affect my life, I could write it down immediately. Simply addressing and recognising these issues allowed me to let go of them, and I simply don't worry about them anymore.

Also, I'd noticed that I'd had trouble starting my FAQ that I'd wanted to put together for when "coming out" to my parents. However, I feel that having put down practically all my concerns on my "pros & cons" list has emancipated me such that I now have a million things running through my head that need to be in this FAQ. And knowing that I'll be able to "come out" properly to my parents, in a way that they'll least freak out, has made me feel even more like I'm being released from a bad dream.

Methinks I might work on the bike a little this Sunday and go for a ride!

Posted in transition, coming-out, ala-mode

Second Session with the Counsellor

Last Wednesday was my second session with Gaye, and it went perfectly except maybe for one thing. We went over various things, mostly pertaining to my trip home; she noted that I seemed very relaxed and confident this time around. She did clarify that she had thought me confident the last time around as well, but that I seemed more sure of myself this time. At first, I'd thought that maybe it was due to the last time being my first visit to the centre, but as I mulled the thought over, I realised that I was indeed feeling very relaxed and cocksure (hee!), and had been so since returning home.

I also mentioned that I'd come to a point where I was at peace and satisfied with the idea of not "transitioning perfectly" to male, that is, there is a point along the male-female continuum that I would be perfectly satisfied to be at. This is a great relief to me, as half my fears of starting transition are based on not being able to get as close as I'd like to being a bio male.

One more thing that I'd realised during the session was that I'm looking at everything (well, at least wrt transitioning) with a more positive outlook now. Before, for every positive I could think of with transitioning, I'd come up with the negative aspect and all the potential problems I'd have to face. Now, I tend to concentrate on the positive, and even though I recognise the potential negative, my attitude's more like, "well, that comes with the territory and I'll deal with it when the time comes."

At the end of the session, while Gaye seemed convinced and glad that my recent exploits have had a visible impact on my life, she'd also scheduled another meeting for just after my parents get here in April. I asked if she thought that I was ready for a meeting with the psych (the last step before getting in to see an endo for T) even though I hadn't talked to my parents. She said that it seemed like a good idea to wait, especially since there's been so much sudden change in my life and that I seemed very content at this time; that would give me a chance to enjoy this slow period a little before introducing more drama into things. Also, it would give me a chance to let my new "healthy lifestyle" kick in before starting T. She added at the end that I didn't seem to be desperate for it, and that I would have pressed harder if I was - a very valid point, and I believed her when she said that she would have given me the referral had I insisted on it.

Truth be told, although I would love to start T asap, I agreed with her decision. Heck, I've waited all my life, another month won't kill me! Besides, like she said, I'm enjoying this new "lease on life" at the moment. Having to wait for the referral only gives me something else to look forward to!

Posted in counselling, transition, goals

I'm back! part V: The Flight Home

The flight home was a little more brutal than the trip there, mainly because it was the red eye. I had mom and dad with me so I couldn't quite be myself at the check-in desk, although I did have a little chat and asked for my usual aisle seat on the flight. It might just be me, but the check-in ladies seem to be a lot less surly nowadays, and have been extremely pleasant so far!

Don't kick me, but I was a little disappointed checking out the flight attendants filing through as I found out that the flight was delayed by an hour while waiting at the gate. There were a few backpacker-types on the flight who were very attractive, although all but one that I noticed were accompanied by a boyfriend. Again, the flight was very full, but yours truly lucked out (or was it really luck?)and got an aisle seat on the right side of the plane, a couple of rows from the front and an empty seat between me and a middle-aged Chinese woman who sat by the window. The lady slept through most of the flight and was very pelasant to talk to during mealtimes, and I always enjoy some good conversation over food.

Now, most people slept through the beginning of the flight, and I'd noticed an attractive brunette backpacker-type sitting across the aisle and one row in front of me when she'd gotten up to get something from the overhead compartment while they were serving breakfast (no open inverted commas this time). I still had my sunglasses on from when I was sleeping, and I noticed that when she'd settled back into her seat, she turned around to look at me. I busied myself putting the sunglasses away pretending not to notice, and she turned back to face the front shortly. Several times while I was reading or having a swig of water (I always carry a bottle with me on the plane as it's really dry) or getting something or other from my backpack (which I'd gotten down and placed on the empty seat next to me), I noticed her turn around to look at me for a while.

About the fourth or fifth time, she'd turned around while I was looking up, and having caught my eye, smiled warmly. I smiled back, and went back to my article (mr. too-cool-for-school). I got up shortly after to go to the toilet up front, and I felt her gaze follow me; when I got there and found both toilets occupied, I stood there stretching out my limbs and noticed that she was still gazing my way, so I looked up and grinned a cheeky grin, which again drew a big smile from her.

When I got back to my seat, I reached for my pack of chewing gum and found 1 stick left which I needed. So I got the gummy drops out and offered it to her (I'd offered one earlier to the lady beside me and she'd declined). She took the pack, looked in and looked back up, saying there's only one left. I shrugged, saying that she could have it then, and she said thanks and took it. We had a short conversation after, with her saying that it was pretty cold (she was wrapped in 2 blankets) and me offering her my unused one (or should I have offered something else?).

The guy sitting in front of me interrupted our conversation (I'd suspected that they and a third girl were travelling together) and I went back to my book, so that was that for me. Although I understood the announcements in German, I felt a little tongue-tied after not having used it for so long that I really didn't want to start up the conversation again only to run out of things to say very quickly. It was rather cool though that this male flight attendant thought me Austrian and kept addressing me in German.

Other than halping out the Chinese lady with her hand luggage, the airport was uneventful and I got a taxi very quickly. The taxi driver was something else though, and had lots of tales of the various proposals he's had in his years driving taxis. He was more helpful than most when it came to helping with the luggage though, so I humoured him although I was really looking forward to just getting home. Got home in 20 minutes, off to Bowral to pick up my little ones (they'd had an absolute ball on the 2-acre farm) and got fed lamb cutlets by the old lady who'd looked after them, then finally home for real at 2am that night. Thank God I didn't have to get up early the next day!

All in all, I'm glad I took this trip. I'm in a very good place right now, and my life is heading in a good direction from the best possible starting point. Maybe this trip was more than a trip home; maybe it's the event that marks the end of one volume and the start of another, one where I'm in full control and can finally think "want" instead of "should".

Posted in oats, the-tribe, new-id

I'm back! part IV: The Good, The Bad and The One They Call "Ugly"

Everyone who hadn't seen me in years, as well as those who'd met me for the first time have reportedly said that among other things, I am a very charming person. This surprised me because I know many things about myself, but this I never really thought about. It does however explain how people tend to react to myself, including people I meet while out and about. Now, I'd considered changing my last name when I do legally change my name, and I'd wanted to pick one that had some meaning to it. So this made me think: why not pick a word that meant "charm" or "charming"? It seems to be a quality that I enjoy very much, and I feel that my other dominant characteristics would be a little strong for a last name (overkill, anyone?).

Now, what language to pick? I speak several myself, but none but one provided an attractive enough solution. The one potential language: Italian, which would be perfect as well since the first woman I'd ever fallen in love with is Italian, and we remain very close even though we're too far apart too often to maintain a relationship. The Italian word for "charm": fascino (fah-shee-no). Didn't sound too bad. The feminine of the word though, "fascina" actually means faggot, which is not too bad I suppose as we're all one big LGBT family anyway. So this is the first in the list of surnames that I will consider when the time comes.

Another thought that came up repeatedly was that part of this "charm" could hinge on the fact that I am female. That is, if I were male, my behaviour/demeanour might be considered ordinary, or even worse, perhaps annoying or creepy! This is a disturbing consideration that must be made, as I'd much rather be a happy woman than a miserable man! Of course, should push come to shove, I'm sure I'd be able to adapt my inside to match my outside (ironic, as this whole process is about adapting my outside to match my inside!), just to counter the social programming that comes with growing up as a girl.

Also, there were quite a few things that I'd done with my friends and family that are considered women's activities, such as getting manicures, going to a spa and simply chatting/gossiping about things. I also enjoy hanging out "with the girls", something that may become difficult after transition. In any case, this prompted me to start an earnest pros/cons list, not so much to decide whether to transition or not, but simply to consider very carefully all the consequences that may come, to avoid feeling cheated/disappointed once past the point of no return.

I will put my list up soon, and I urge you to consider doing the same before making what may be the biggest decision or your life. Knowing the possibilities of the situation will allow you to enjoy your new lease on life a lot better!

Posted in personal, new-id, gender

I'm back! part III: In Good Company

I did manage to meet a good friend of mine several times when I was home. J was my best friend in Year 3 of school, but we were separated into different classes after that, and had different friends for a while after that. We became thick as thieves again in Year 7 through the rest of our school days, especially in our final 2 years, where we were the closest among our group of 5.

J recently came out to our group of friends as a lesbian, and as a result, I'd come out to her myself, first as a lesbian and then later as a transsexual, which made us even closer even though we're a continent apart. So she'd offered to show me around when I got back, and introduce me to her queer circle of friends.

I must say that I found this group of crazy individuals extemely nice and side-splittingly funny. Some were highly intelligent and up on current events, others were just looking for a few good laughs among friends, while yet others were out for a buzz and a good time. The one thing they all had in common was that they were all confident of themselves, and had no qualms with talking about their love for women. This is extraordinary as they live in a society that will not accept their homosexuality, and most have parents that would certainly disown them should they know of their child's activities.

One other thing I'd noticed when I'd gone back - the city and shopping malls were littered with very androgynous and gender-bending individuals (using the word "littered", I don't mean to imply that these people are rubbish). This was extraordinary as my understanding was that most people could not distinguish between sexuality and gender identity, so these people would have a very clear idea of what they wanted from themselves, despite living in a rather traditional environment! Indeed, most of the lesbians that I'd met believed that the "maleness" in them caused them to be homosexual, and this was culminated in the fact that I saw perhaps 30 butch lesbians for every femme one that I saw. I even saw lots of butch-butch pairings, perhaps from those driven to desperation in finding a partner and not really understanding that that girl in the frock could actually be interested in girls as well.

In any case, I'm glad that J has a great bunch of friends and group support that can understand where she's coming from. I can't wait for the next time I come home to meet the bunch again!

Posted in friends, personal, community

I'm back! part II: Biting the Bullet

One thing I'd said to Gaye the counsellor before heading off on my trip was this: that I'd know for sure how right starting transition would be for me based on my trip back to see my family, i.e. if I felt strongly enough about the need to transition, I'd be able to act myself and not how I think they think I should. Also, those of you who've been paying attention will know that I'd planned on "coming out" to my parents as well this trip, having known that I might not see them for a while after this trip.

Well, I'm not so happy to say that I couldn't bring myself to really bite the bullet. I did have a little nibble though. Firstly, I brought no clothes that even came anywhere close to being feminine (I own close to nil such items of clothing, and those that are on the fem side of unisex are practically in permanent storage), although most of them weren't screaming "male". Actually, I lied. I did have to bring some bras, without which I should not be seen in public.

Secondly, I'd had a semi heart-to-heart with my parents about various things. We'd had the house to ourselves one day (we moved into a house with my aunt's family, since we're all overseas all the time these few years and hence had no reason to keep the house we were living in) and I said I had something I needed to talk to them about. I was sweating bullets before I could actually say this, and they became all serious and ready to listen. This made me nervous/embarassed to actually say anything, and they asked if I was trying to come out as a lesbian. I've always known that they'd be supportive of whatever I did if they knew that it was thought through or something I really believed in, so it wasn't surprising that they were quite frank about addressing this. However, it also made me think, "Geez. If they're going to be so serious about me being gay, they're probably going to be really upset when I tell them that not only do I like women, but I want to transition from female to male!" And so I chickened out, and couldn't tell them what I'd originally wanted to.

Now, before you start shaking your heads, they did say that they were planning to make a visit here to Sydney in a month or so, and that they might stay for a couple of months while they travelled around. Being cheapskates, we all understood that they'd be staying at my place while they were here. Okay, it's not that we're cheap, it's that we're a very close family (I was going to use the word "tight", then thought the better of it).

Anyway, I'd decided then that it may be a little easier to tell them the truth then, instead of while I was in an extra vulnerable position in my aunts house. Firstly, like I said, my extended family are more traditional in values (they said not to hang out with my childhood friend who'd come out as a lesbian too much, in case she was a "bad influence". I must have missed the memo that said that homosexuality is highly contagious). My mum would have found it difficult not to talk to her sister about this, who in turn would not be able to keep this from the rest of my extended family (our family's like that, we're all too close for secrets), and I'm not ready for that just yet, even though they all love me to bits. Secondly, my friend agreed that they'd be in a different state of mind while over here, and would probably take it better.

Thirdly, I'd brought a bunch of books with me on transgenderism, including a mini-pile of The Gender Centre's Polare back-issues to go through. While I didn't leave "FTM: Female-to-Male Transsexuals in Society" lying around (that stayed in my open backpack), I did carry around "Dear Sir or Madam" with me, getting in a couple of pages whenever I had the chance (mostly on the toilet, hehe). That probably seemed an innocent enough title at first, but it had the words "female-to-male transsexual" in smaller letters on the back cover, and I'm sure they noticed after a while. When I brought out the stack of Polare to go through, one of them had a picture of 2 women kissing on the front cover, and the combination prompted my mum to ask what it was that I was reading, which I managed to shrug off. I left a few issues lying around where my bags and stuff were, and I'm almost sure that my mum flipped through them, knowing her all-too-well. My youngest cousin also did, although she'd casually asked what I was reading and picked one up. She's probably the first one in my extended family I'd be alright with coming out to.

Anyway, I think that mum didn't bring this up either because she doesn't realise the difference between sexuality and gender identity, or because she understands that I myself am still learning about this condition and myself, and am weighing the pros and cons on starting anything. A couple of days before I was due to leave, my parents cornered me in their room after I'd come out from their bathroom from taking a shower, and asked if there was anything else that was serious that I wanted to talk about. I'd said no, and that I'd talk to them if I myself was sure that there was something to talk about. They asked me only once again, just to be sure, and ended it at that.

I certainly hope that they've got a bug planted in their ears about the right thing, as this will give them some time to get used to the idea before heading down to Oz land. If not, I'll have a bunch of literature for them to read, as well as a list of issues I'd like to address when I come out to them, to best put them at ease. Most importantly, I'll have to assure them that I'm sure about my decision, and that I've done my groundwork about things.

I'm going to put 2 posts up that will be updated over the next month: issues I will address when I come out, and the pros and cons of starting my transition. If you think that I've left anything out that I should consider, please leave comments on the respective posts, they will be greatly appreciated.

Oh, I forgot to add that we'd been watch shopping throughout my visit home, as we wanted to be sure of getting the right watch and not just hastily buying the first one we liked. At the beginning, (as with every watch-buying expedition before) my mum procalimed every watch too big even though she knows I've got big arms (from playing tennis since forever) and the smaller ladies' watches look ridiculous on me. On the final day though, when we'd narrowed the selection down to a couple, she pointed out a massive one that was bigger than any I'd even dared to pick out! Surely something must have sparked her change of mind.

Posted in family, transition, coming-out, friends, gender, sexuality, personal, new-id

I'm back! part I: The Flight There

I'm back from my 4-week holiday, so I've now got free access to the Net 24/7, and can start posting regularly again. I thought I'd be posting semi-regularly at least while I was away, but there was so much to do every day that I feel like I need a holiday now from my holiday.

There's so much to write about the 4 weeks, so much that I thought of and so much that happened, that I'm not sure that I'll get it all down in this Blog. I will try my best though, because it's my way of organising my thoughts and feelings, as well as having a record of my experiences - and I'd like to record every significant event during this trying but extremely positive period.

Getting to the airport was a pain, since everyone I knew with a car was at work at the time I had to get to the airport, and I'm not the sort to let someone take the day off work to drive me the short distance. Cheapskate that I am, I'd decided to take the train into the airport, not thinking through the fact that I was carrying 4 massive canvases that were not too heavy but fucking unwieldy to carry. Carrying my backpack (hand luggage) and duffel bag (luggage) as well, I struggled to get even halfway to the train station, and no taxis were around (the damn canvases wouldn't even have fit into a cab had one passed by). A nice woman with a hint of an Irish accent came to the rescue and helped me carry the thing to the railway. It wasn't easy even with the 2 of us holding an end each, and I the woman will forever have my gratitude. I'm used to being the one doing the helping and not the one being helped, so I wasn't exactly totally comfortable with the role reversal.

I was pouring with sweat by the time I got the the airport, so it was a good thing that I'd brought my clothes for the flight instead of wearing them. I'd arrived early, and so had plenty of time for a shower in the lounge, changing into a black shirt and jacket. The duty free provided a change from my usual selection of eau de toilette and perfumes. Riding high on my recent coming-to-terms with my gender identity, I felt brave enough to sample the men's ranges and settled on one that I liked enough to spritz myself with, but not enough to actually buy.

As a sidenote, I've only got 1 men's fragrance at home, Bvlgari Blv pour Homme. The rest are more neutral fragrances like Hugo Boss' Hugo Woman and Ralph Lauren's Polo Sport Woman and Romance. One of the things I'd like to do is finish off these women's fragrances and start replacing them with men's.

The flight was very pleasant, and the young Boshnjak sitting next to me provided some good conversation. I usually don't drink much on flights, firstly because of the dehydration and secondly because I'd like to have my senses with me in case of emergency, but I'd decided after the struggle to get to the airport and with the upcoming visit home that I'd take advantage of the inflight bar this time. Now, I hold my drink a little too well, which means that a night out anywhere is expensive if I want even a tiny buzz, so a free open bar is always a welcome occasion.

Just after the plane took off though, while I was rooting through the pocket on the seat in front of me, a little blonde flight attendant rushed past and got herself elbowed on the hip bone. Now, I felt the collision on my elbow, so I can only imagine how much her hip hurt. She doubled over and I immediately got up and asked if she was alright. Her eyes welled with tears, she took a while to compose herself, but eventually got a smile on her face and said that she'd be alright. The next time she came by was with the drinks cart, and I asked if she'd been able to get some ice on where she'd been elbowed. She said she'd had, but only for a short while, and we both commented on the fact that she'd have a rather big bruise.

On the upside, she was very attentive after that. She'd stop to ask if I wanted anything whenever she came by, and would always smile if she was in more of a hurry. I'd asked for a Scotch (whisky) and Coke (yes, the cola) just before asking after her that first time she'd come by with the drinks cart, and she'd given me a standard drink as expected. What was unexpected was that after said little chat (while she was serving the rest of my row), she asked if the drink was alright and if I'd like a little extra scotch in it. I sure did, and every drink she brought me after that was most definitely a double (except for the scotch and apple juice I had with "breakfast". Even then she'd asked if she'd been right in making the drink more "breakfast"-friendly and had the bottle ready for a top-up).

There was a point to this little story by the way, which will come into play in a later post. In the meantime, I'll get started on my next post. So much to write, and I hope I remember everything!

Posted in oats

No man's land

Well, I'm back home. My mum and dad won't be back till next week, so I've been here with my cousins and aunts and uncles, and everyone's been totally doting on me since I haven't been back for 4 years. My granddad's been especially talkative (he used to be such a quiet man!) and there hasn't been any of the usual little bickers that happen when 20+ close relatives come together nearly every day.

I'm loving it at the moment - I used to hate how noisy it would get with everyone trying to talk over everyone else, but it's been more entertaining than anything this time around. I especially love seeing my "little" cousins; I put "little" in open-inverted commas because they're not so little anymore. In fact, they've just got their drivers' licences, but they'll always be the little babies of the family to me. I hate thinking that they'll probably be taller than me the next time I come home.

I haven't even had the time to think about the whole coming out thing, what with all that's been going on. I have had lots of time to think about how uncomfortable it could potentially be though, since "the girls" have been out marathon-shopping the last 2 days, and I haven't been trying on/buying anything at all. They obviously find it strange, and ask why, and I use the excuse that I'll go shopping with mum when she gets back and buy things then. More like, "I don't want to buy anything now because I'll be spending all this money on clothes that I'll never put on again!"

I've seen heaps of men's stuff that I love, and it's terrible to see things that are on sale but I can't try/buy at this time. I'm already building an inventory of the clothes I'll be getting when I finally have my nice flat chest.

7 days to go till crunch time.

Posted in transition, family, personal

First Session with the Counsellor

Finally! I finally got in to see the counsellor at The Gender Centre, and it nearly didn't happen, too! I had my appointment for 10-11am yesterday morning, and left early so that I'd be there in time. And would you know it, 9.30 came by and I was nowhere near the place! I called to let Gaye (the counsellor) know that I'd either be late or wouldn't be there in time, and she said that she had an appointment at 11.15, but I was welcome to stop by anyway to have a chat with Catherine who could go through their library of resources with me. I said I would stop by, seeing as I was halfway there and had already spent all the time/effort getting there. I was also hoping for the outside chance that she could fit in like 15 minutes for me somewhere in her schedule.

Anyway, so I get there just before noon, and Gaye welcomes me in to the place, saying that her 11.15 appointment hadn't shown and so we had 15 minutes before her next appointment. I gladly took it, and we had a nice little chat which started off a little slowly, as I've never been on the receiving end of a counselling situation, and it was quite odd talking about having a gender identity crisis. Besides, we were both feeling each other out, trying to form an impression of the other person. She was extremely nice, and had an open demeanor that made her easy to talk to. Of course, she was extremely polite and asked if I wouldn't mind answering some standard questions, which I didn't mind at all. In fact, I told her that I had no problem answering any questions as that was what I was there for: to ask questions of myself and answer them, so that I could gather my thoughts more concisely on what I feel, and what I want to do about these feelings.

As it turned out, her 12.15 appointment didn't show up either, which I was grateful for as the ball was only just starting to roll, and as Gaye went through some questions she had, those led to more questions from both herself and me, and so time went by very quickly. We talked about everything from what I thought about my gender identity, to when I first realised it, to some details of the transition process to coming out to my family and friends.

I'd started out a little cautiously, not wanting to commit to the certainty of starting transition. I was there to explore my feelings and options, and was open to ideas that I may not have come up with on my own. That all changed the moment she said to me, "so you're not sure about starting transition, rather you're testing the waters at the moment and are looking at what's out there?" That was exactly what I'd been doing the whole time, but when I heard those words, I thought, "No, that's so totally wrong! I know I want this, and it's the only way I'll every feel at peace with myself." And so came the moment I could say out loud, "No. I want to start transitioning to a physical form that suits my inner gender. I want to start transitioning to a man." Gaye smiled, and I realised that she'd led me to confirm my feelings in such a way that I'd not suspected her of trying to do so until it was all over and done with. Which is exactly what a great counsellor does.

We talked a lot about my planning to come out to my parents in the coming week(s), and I told her that I'd definitely do it by the time I'd gotten back in to Sydney in 4 weeks, as I wouldn't allow myself to chicken out. She gave me some reading materials that would be helpful to both me and my parents, and we made another appointment for the week I was to come back so we could talk about how things went.

After that, she introduced me to Sean and Catherine who also work at the Gender Centre. Catherine was in charge of the library of books they have there, and picked out a couple of autobiographies of FTMs that I could have while I was away (woohoo! Reading material for the plane!) and subscribed me to Polare, their quarterly publication. We had a nice little chat, as we found we'd had similar life experience and interests despite our huge age difference. Sean was very cool, he introduced himself to me as an FtM and made some light conversation. He was surprised that I'm 25, he'd thought I was more like 16 (yes, I get that a lot), and talked to me about their "drop-in" session later in the evening, which Gaye had mentioned. It was a 2-hour casual meet-up time for transsexuals of every age, colour, stage of transition and walk of life. I said I would come, as it would be nice to meet some other people who could share their experiences. He also asked if I had my referrals, and I said I'd come back to get one from him at my next appointment.

I came back to the centre later that evening, and there was food and drinks, and about 15 of us there - FtMs, MtFs, young teenagers to a tottering old MtF, people fully transitioned to people like me who were about to take their first steps. There was a young man from some gay health organisation who gave a little talk about HIV, which was good as I'd learned a couple of helpful things that I didn't know, and because people were encouraged to ask questions, it helped everyone feel comfortable with each other.

I met another FtM D (I don't know if people like having their names mentioned, so I'll use letters to identify these people) who worked there part-time, and we got to talking since he's a year older than me, has been on T for a year now and will be going for top surgery in a year or so from now. We talked about various things like working out, and he'd just bought a bench press which I thought was very cool. He was also trying to lose weight, so I said that we could be workout buddies. He seemed happy with this, as I suspect that he knew that having a workout buddy helps heaps with staying motivated and conscientious. We were interrupted as Sean needed help cleaning up the leftovers and stuff, and I didn't realise that it was already past 8 and I'd have to get going. Said goodbye to everyone and shook hands with Sean and D, saying I'd see them in a month. They were great, and it felt totally great when they shook hands with me, strong and firm, man-to-man.

Anyone in the Sydney area who hasn't already been, I'd recommend you stop in to the Gender Centre in Petersham. The people there are excellent, and they have a ton of resources should you ever need help with anything. I felt light as a feather walking out of the building to my car, and felt strong positive energy flowing through my veins. I'm doing the right thing, and I'll never have to live my life as someone I'm not ever again.

Posted in transition, counselling, Gender-Centre, trans-friends, community

The L Word ep.3

Warning: Spoilers follow. Ok, WTF was up with this last episode? We had the absolute funniest episode last week (ep 2), which I split my sides watching, and then this week's episode's just a bummer all-around! Bette's losing Tina and is selling the first ever print she's bought to control the money problems, not to mention losing face in front of all her friends by having her credit card declined AND Tina giving her dirty looks after offering to pay for everyone at Jenny's coming back dinner. Tina's continuing to be a real asshole towards Bette, although the one relief this episode was that there was no mention of her cyber-sex session with a guy.

Carmen's pretty much a bitch about Jenny bringing Max/Moira home with her, and while we're on that, POOR MAX/MOIRA!!! Poor guy's just a fish out of water, which he must be back home too, so it's no wonder he went running off like that! I suppose we should've all seen that coming, since he did hook up with the kooky Jenny. Thank God Shane was her usual cool self (and ADORABLE with that puppy), and Dana/Alice seem to be making some progress towards reconciliation. Which I suppose they have to start now, since DANA'S ABOUT TO FUCKING DIE!

So let's see - no positive storylines, not much of Rachel Shelley, no hot Shane/Carmen scene, no adorable Lara/Dana scene, everyone acts like assholes, and a meh score. I hate Ilene Chaiken.

Posted in L-Word, rant

Java applet annoying?

I've just realised that the countdown java applet above might take a while to load, and that the posts don't come on screen until the applet's ready to show. I've got a very fast connection so it doesn't bother me, but it may bother people with slower connections. Please leave me a comment if it is very slow to load, and I'll take it off. Thanks!

Posted in website

A sister in kind

"I felt that in wishing so fervently, and so ceaselessly, to be transplanted into a girl's body, I was aiming only at a more divine condition, an inner reconciliation." pg.18

"I did not know exactly where it was - in my head, in my heart, in my loins, in my blood." pg.14, about his early desire to have a woman's body.

"At other times I thought it might all be resolved by suffering, and when I sat in the dentist's chair, or lay miserable in the sickroom, or was being urged to be first off the diving-board into the cold pool, I called into play arcane formulae of my own" ... "I was really ticking off each moment of unhappiness as a contribution towards my release" ... pg.24

"I felt that there were Powers waiting to help me, some day. I did not despair, and being by temperament a cheerful child, and by circumstance a lucky one, I conditioned myself to cherish my secret more as a promise than a burden." pg.26

- A couple of quotes from Jan Morris' (born James Humphrey Morris) autobiographical account "Conundrum".

Posted in quotes

Friends...

And now I'm even more in a funk. I just had a chat with one of the few persons I consider a lifelong friend. We'd been best friends through our school years, and are still close. What made us even closer was that she's a lesbian, and had the courage to come out to me and the rest of our "gang" a few years ago. I wished I'd had her courage, as I never came out to those same friends.

Anyway, she's known that I'm into women all this while, but I'd only now said anything about my gender identity. Of course, she was very supportive although she didn't know much about the issue. Yet, it was awkward. Very awkward. And this was a conversation in text, across continents. Can you imagine what it would be like in person?

All in all, I'm starting to feel a lot more nervous about talking to my friends and family this trip home about this. I've just got to tell myself, it's now or never. I probably won't see any of them again until after I've started my transition, and it'll be a lot worse then. Plus, my parents would feel so betrayed and alienated if I took this step without having talked to them about it.

When will this get easier...

Posted in friends, coming-out