FtMs and MtFs

Here's something that occured to me sometime ago but I never got around to writing about. Dropping by The Gender Centre nearly every week means that I now know and regularly see a number of transgendered people, in pretty much every stage of transition. In fact, once conversation gets going and people gauge that the person they're talking to is comfortable enough with it, a common questions is "So, are you MtF or FtM?". It's mostly a question to us younger people though, since chances are that you're a very convincing fully-transitioned person or one who's only just starting out.

I learned early on not to make assumptions. Being who I am, I'm more likely to think of someone as FtM than otherwise; I was just lucky that I was cautious enough with the conversation in general to not put my foor in it. I'd only just arrived and the guy I'd met before, D, was talking to a very boyish-looking person with a bound chest that obviously had boobs on it. S/he was wearing a camo baseball cap, baggy camo pants and an olive green shirt with the sleeves cut off. S/he had no make-up on, but had short nails painted black in true goth style. We introduced ourselves, and I was given a very gender-ambiguous name, Z.

So without thinking, I figured that Z was in the same boat as us, although s/he was very silent while me and D started talking about bench presses and stuff. S/he eventually got up to go to the bathroom when I noticed that hir shirt was tied in the front to expose hir midriff, which threw me off. When s/he got back and joined in the conversation (we'd started talking about more neutral things like coming out, etc.) it suddenly dawned on me that Z was MtF and not the other way around! So that was a lesson well learnt.

The other thing that came to my mind was how much easier it is for FtMs to be accepted as bio-males than it is for MtFs as bio-women. In fact, I don't know of any who are ever accepted as bio-women - most are just accepted as being "what they are". I suppose the thing that balances it out is that men tend to be less forgiving and accepting, thus making it harder for FtMs to just be "one of the guys", whereas women are a lot more likely to welcome an MtF into their brood.

Anyway, women have enough trouble themselves trying to keep up with the high standards of appearance and grooming that have been set over the past decades. I can't imagine how difficult it would be for an MtF. In fact, I'm not sure if the tables were turned that I'd ever have the courage to make the change like these brave souls have! It really makes me happy to see these women walking around the Gender Centre where they're able to be less self-conscious and perhaps practice in relative comfort their mannerisms and such. They even have a great way of helping each other out with make-up tips and supplies, as well as with news of trans-friendly hairdressers/beauticians and the like!

Somehow I see none of this among FtMs, and the only reason I can see for this is that we integrate into "regular" society much better and tend to let go of our pasts without the need to hold on to any support groups. Or could it just be wishful thinking?

Posted in Gender-Centre, trans-friends, community

The Moira/Max Conundrum

Ok, I've always been a fan of the show The L Word, and was delighted at the start of Season 3 at the prospect of having Moira/Max come on the show. I figured, yeah, some publicity about the plight of us non-lesbian-identified lovers of women would be great especially if it helps the Gay and Lesbian community understand transgenderism. Boy am I disappointed.

Now, I may be biased, but I felt that the show did more to highlight how the lesbian community tends to not understand, misunderstand and condemn FtMs. It also made Max this angst-ridden abusive guy who not only couldn't keep his dick in his pants, but started knocking his girlfriend around after starting on T. Now, how is this good publicity again? And don't throw me any of that "any publicity is good publicity" bullshit.

The recurring theme with the whole situation was the question, "why did s/he need to role play like that?". And that bugs the heck out of me. Actually, most of riot-grrl feminism bugs the heck out of me. "Embrace your femininity!" I hear them say. "Don't let this patriarchal society tell you what you can't do!"

Well here's some news: I don't want to embrace my femininity. And I've never experienced first-hand any blatant discrimination because I'm a girl (neither was I brought up to think that only men can do certain things). I love that I have a woman's perspective on the world, and that I tend to think the way a woman does. I just don't like having boobs and curvy hips. I don't like acting in a feminine way. I'd die before I ever wear a dress or heels again. I cannot even think of ever giving birth (even though I love kids and will definitely have at least 1 child in the future). And sex just isn't as attractive when you're reminded of all of the above whenever your partner touches you.

Besides, how can you love someone fully when you can't even love yourself?

So to all you lesbians who think we're "bailing out" and trying to conform to heterosexual society, here's what I say: You tell everyone to have tolerance for each other and let you live life the way you want, and love who you fall in love with. That's pretty much all we want too.

Posted in L-Word, community, rant, personal

The Game of Life

Today was the first time I'd played tennis in a long while... and had fun. I can't really remember the last time I didn't spend 95% of my time on the court beating myself up and the other 5% trying to play shrink to my doubles partner. Maybe the counsellor was right - taking some time off from as many responsibilities as I could would be good for my soul.

5 years ago I'd play tennis nearly every day. Then came all the small responsibilities... they'd snuck up on me, one by one, until I got to the point where I'd be lucky if I did anything recreational in a week. And so my physical conditioning took a plunge, as well as my emotional health I suppose - I'm sure I could have been a real bitch to people who'd made my work just that bit tougher.

So I'd play social comps on Saturdays, beat myself up for the 5 hours for being unfit, for not playing anywhere near my potential, or for just choking away a 5-2 lead. I'd then spend the rest of the weekend obsessing with everything I did wrong, every single point that I should have done something different. I'd start to get over it by Monday morning, but the feeling loomed over me all week that the following Saturday would be different - I'd play aggressive when I had to, play the percentages when the time came, and not be so lazy on my feet. But the same things would happen, I'd get more aggravated as the day went on, and we'd be back to square one.

So I can seriously say that tennis was actually fun yesterday. I played my arse off, and can't think of a single thing I would've changed (except maybe my first serve percentage). Everyone who's known me long enough said that they hadn't seen me cream that forehand like that in years, and those who have only known me in recent years were amazed at how aggressive and effective I was at the front of the court. That felt real good. Even my shots felt real good, I was totally focused and knew exactly what to do on each point.

I can feel it... my game's coming back. We're playing on my turf now.

An occasion to break out the Superman Shorts

Posted in ala-mode, sunshine

Lost

It's not what you do. It's what you are.

Posted in quotes

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we...

It's been 3 months since starting this blog, since deciding to take a big step towards finding inner peace. In many ways, I'm already light years ahead of where I started from. Then again, I haven't even gotten my first dose of T yet. And every waking minute I feel like I'm going to burst if I don't go out and get that prescrition asap.

And then the rational bit in my brain says, "You know it's the best thing to wait. What's the hurry? You've waiting 25 years for this - what's 25 more days?" And the other 99% of my brain has to agree, whether it likes it or not. The waiting time will mean an extra month of fat-loss before the potential water-retention from T, an extra month of just chilling out before re-introducing major stress into my life, an extra month of preparing myself to prepare all those around me for the changes about to happen.

3 months ago I could barely bring myself to type the word "transsexual", and 2 months ago I could hardly get the word out of my mouth. Now I fully embrace my position on neither "end" of the gender spectrum - in fact, in my mind I'm already physically halfway through transition. I love how hairy my unshaven legs and pits have become. I love how broad and square my shoulders have become (a friend actually commented the other day. Sweet!). And I love checking out all those shoes and clothes I'll be getting when I have the right chest and hips. And all this before even starting T! I can't imagine how amazing I'll find all these little transformations when I actually get the stuff!

A couple of little notes: been hitting the bench press everytime I've got a couple minutes between things. Am pressing 20 kgs with 9/9/9 reps each time coupled with 9/9/9 reps butterfly with 4.5 kgs since my triceps feel the strain on the bench press more than my pecs do. Also on a more personal note, been practicing peeing standing up, which I used to be able to do like a pro (look ma, no hands!) up till age 11. Apparently it's not exactly like riding a bike...

Posted in transition, muscles, physique

Weight plates

Got a whole new bunch of weight plates to go with the new set-up, as well as to fill up the dumbells to a higher weight. They're a silver hammer-tone finish, stylishly-designed and I especially like the fact that they've got the hand-grips for easy handling. They're a little bigger than some plates due to the design, but they're thinner than those rubber-coated ones so more can fit onto the bars. Got my first workout getting them from the car up to the second floor!

My weight plates! (photo taken from some advertiser,
my apartment does NOT feature linoleum!)

Posted in muscles

Feeling pumped!

Found a great deal on a bench press with lateral pulldown, butterfly and preacher attachments this week after having looked around for weeks! Kmart had a great offer with 50% off rrp and so I ended up taking home the bench for $99, although I had to think long and hard about this. It's a made-in-China, not-heard-of brand so I don't expect too much from it even though it's got a 2 year warranty and the steel tubing seems sturdy. Box says that it'll take up to 270 kgs of weight, so that's alright considering I don't think I'll be pressing 200 kgs anytime soon. There's a deal on eBay though that includes the same attachments, but looks like a much better quality product for about $380 including 100 kgs of weights and barbell included. Pick-up was available from within 6 kms of my place, so postage wouldn't be a problem.

Anyway, I'm excited since I'll finally be able to work my upper back, which I couldn't do otherwise. Now I've gotta figure out where I'm gonna get some more weight plates since the 10 kgs I have is far from enough. Can't wait till it's set up and I can run it through its paces!

Posted in transition, new-id, muscles

Pre-T Effects?

The last week and a half have been totally wierd! I've had an energy charge running through my body, and I've been "feeling my muscles work" even though I'm still carrying this excess weight around. Also, I've been feeling quite sexually charged, which isn't helped by the fact that I've been having frequent recurring dreams with the same theme - that I'm walking around in a dude's body, but it's like I'd fallen asleep in a girl's bod one day and suddenly woken up with a bloke's the next morning, so it's strange and I have to go around getting used to it even though everyone else doesn't seem surprised at all and treat me like "normal".

I'm starting to get really impatient with waiting for my parents to get here before going in to see the psych and starting T therapy. On the one hand, I feel like I'd explode if I didn't go get the referral by next week, and on the other hand, I understand that it's probably the most logical thing to just wait another 4-5 weeks. Sigh.

What I am sure about is my decision to transition. No more hemming and hewing, no more worrying about what I might be getting myself into. I've felt like a million bucks since knowing that I'll be really starting transition in a few weeks, and I don't even need to understand the reason why to know that it's simply the thought of finally having a body that will allow me to live as male that is making me feel this great.

I think that making that list of pros and cons has really helped with this. I'd put the list on my little Palm that I carry around all the time, and the good thing about that was that everytime a thought hit me about how transitioning could affect my life, I could write it down immediately. Simply addressing and recognising these issues allowed me to let go of them, and I simply don't worry about them anymore.

Also, I'd noticed that I'd had trouble starting my FAQ that I'd wanted to put together for when "coming out" to my parents. However, I feel that having put down practically all my concerns on my "pros & cons" list has emancipated me such that I now have a million things running through my head that need to be in this FAQ. And knowing that I'll be able to "come out" properly to my parents, in a way that they'll least freak out, has made me feel even more like I'm being released from a bad dream.

Methinks I might work on the bike a little this Sunday and go for a ride!

Posted in transition, coming-out, ala-mode

Second Session with the Counsellor

Last Wednesday was my second session with Gaye, and it went perfectly except maybe for one thing. We went over various things, mostly pertaining to my trip home; she noted that I seemed very relaxed and confident this time around. She did clarify that she had thought me confident the last time around as well, but that I seemed more sure of myself this time. At first, I'd thought that maybe it was due to the last time being my first visit to the centre, but as I mulled the thought over, I realised that I was indeed feeling very relaxed and cocksure (hee!), and had been so since returning home.

I also mentioned that I'd come to a point where I was at peace and satisfied with the idea of not "transitioning perfectly" to male, that is, there is a point along the male-female continuum that I would be perfectly satisfied to be at. This is a great relief to me, as half my fears of starting transition are based on not being able to get as close as I'd like to being a bio male.

One more thing that I'd realised during the session was that I'm looking at everything (well, at least wrt transitioning) with a more positive outlook now. Before, for every positive I could think of with transitioning, I'd come up with the negative aspect and all the potential problems I'd have to face. Now, I tend to concentrate on the positive, and even though I recognise the potential negative, my attitude's more like, "well, that comes with the territory and I'll deal with it when the time comes."

At the end of the session, while Gaye seemed convinced and glad that my recent exploits have had a visible impact on my life, she'd also scheduled another meeting for just after my parents get here in April. I asked if she thought that I was ready for a meeting with the psych (the last step before getting in to see an endo for T) even though I hadn't talked to my parents. She said that it seemed like a good idea to wait, especially since there's been so much sudden change in my life and that I seemed very content at this time; that would give me a chance to enjoy this slow period a little before introducing more drama into things. Also, it would give me a chance to let my new "healthy lifestyle" kick in before starting T. She added at the end that I didn't seem to be desperate for it, and that I would have pressed harder if I was - a very valid point, and I believed her when she said that she would have given me the referral had I insisted on it.

Truth be told, although I would love to start T asap, I agreed with her decision. Heck, I've waited all my life, another month won't kill me! Besides, like she said, I'm enjoying this new "lease on life" at the moment. Having to wait for the referral only gives me something else to look forward to!

Posted in counselling, transition, goals

I'm back! part V: The Flight Home

The flight home was a little more brutal than the trip there, mainly because it was the red eye. I had mom and dad with me so I couldn't quite be myself at the check-in desk, although I did have a little chat and asked for my usual aisle seat on the flight. It might just be me, but the check-in ladies seem to be a lot less surly nowadays, and have been extremely pleasant so far!

Don't kick me, but I was a little disappointed checking out the flight attendants filing through as I found out that the flight was delayed by an hour while waiting at the gate. There were a few backpacker-types on the flight who were very attractive, although all but one that I noticed were accompanied by a boyfriend. Again, the flight was very full, but yours truly lucked out (or was it really luck?)and got an aisle seat on the right side of the plane, a couple of rows from the front and an empty seat between me and a middle-aged Chinese woman who sat by the window. The lady slept through most of the flight and was very pelasant to talk to during mealtimes, and I always enjoy some good conversation over food.

Now, most people slept through the beginning of the flight, and I'd noticed an attractive brunette backpacker-type sitting across the aisle and one row in front of me when she'd gotten up to get something from the overhead compartment while they were serving breakfast (no open inverted commas this time). I still had my sunglasses on from when I was sleeping, and I noticed that when she'd settled back into her seat, she turned around to look at me. I busied myself putting the sunglasses away pretending not to notice, and she turned back to face the front shortly. Several times while I was reading or having a swig of water (I always carry a bottle with me on the plane as it's really dry) or getting something or other from my backpack (which I'd gotten down and placed on the empty seat next to me), I noticed her turn around to look at me for a while.

About the fourth or fifth time, she'd turned around while I was looking up, and having caught my eye, smiled warmly. I smiled back, and went back to my article (mr. too-cool-for-school). I got up shortly after to go to the toilet up front, and I felt her gaze follow me; when I got there and found both toilets occupied, I stood there stretching out my limbs and noticed that she was still gazing my way, so I looked up and grinned a cheeky grin, which again drew a big smile from her.

When I got back to my seat, I reached for my pack of chewing gum and found 1 stick left which I needed. So I got the gummy drops out and offered it to her (I'd offered one earlier to the lady beside me and she'd declined). She took the pack, looked in and looked back up, saying there's only one left. I shrugged, saying that she could have it then, and she said thanks and took it. We had a short conversation after, with her saying that it was pretty cold (she was wrapped in 2 blankets) and me offering her my unused one (or should I have offered something else?).

The guy sitting in front of me interrupted our conversation (I'd suspected that they and a third girl were travelling together) and I went back to my book, so that was that for me. Although I understood the announcements in German, I felt a little tongue-tied after not having used it for so long that I really didn't want to start up the conversation again only to run out of things to say very quickly. It was rather cool though that this male flight attendant thought me Austrian and kept addressing me in German.

Other than halping out the Chinese lady with her hand luggage, the airport was uneventful and I got a taxi very quickly. The taxi driver was something else though, and had lots of tales of the various proposals he's had in his years driving taxis. He was more helpful than most when it came to helping with the luggage though, so I humoured him although I was really looking forward to just getting home. Got home in 20 minutes, off to Bowral to pick up my little ones (they'd had an absolute ball on the 2-acre farm) and got fed lamb cutlets by the old lady who'd looked after them, then finally home for real at 2am that night. Thank God I didn't have to get up early the next day!

All in all, I'm glad I took this trip. I'm in a very good place right now, and my life is heading in a good direction from the best possible starting point. Maybe this trip was more than a trip home; maybe it's the event that marks the end of one volume and the start of another, one where I'm in full control and can finally think "want" instead of "should".

Posted in oats, the-tribe, new-id