First Session with the Counsellor

Finally! I finally got in to see the counsellor at The Gender Centre, and it nearly didn't happen, too! I had my appointment for 10-11am yesterday morning, and left early so that I'd be there in time. And would you know it, 9.30 came by and I was nowhere near the place! I called to let Gaye (the counsellor) know that I'd either be late or wouldn't be there in time, and she said that she had an appointment at 11.15, but I was welcome to stop by anyway to have a chat with Catherine who could go through their library of resources with me. I said I would stop by, seeing as I was halfway there and had already spent all the time/effort getting there. I was also hoping for the outside chance that she could fit in like 15 minutes for me somewhere in her schedule.

Anyway, so I get there just before noon, and Gaye welcomes me in to the place, saying that her 11.15 appointment hadn't shown and so we had 15 minutes before her next appointment. I gladly took it, and we had a nice little chat which started off a little slowly, as I've never been on the receiving end of a counselling situation, and it was quite odd talking about having a gender identity crisis. Besides, we were both feeling each other out, trying to form an impression of the other person. She was extremely nice, and had an open demeanor that made her easy to talk to. Of course, she was extremely polite and asked if I wouldn't mind answering some standard questions, which I didn't mind at all. In fact, I told her that I had no problem answering any questions as that was what I was there for: to ask questions of myself and answer them, so that I could gather my thoughts more concisely on what I feel, and what I want to do about these feelings.

As it turned out, her 12.15 appointment didn't show up either, which I was grateful for as the ball was only just starting to roll, and as Gaye went through some questions she had, those led to more questions from both herself and me, and so time went by very quickly. We talked about everything from what I thought about my gender identity, to when I first realised it, to some details of the transition process to coming out to my family and friends.

I'd started out a little cautiously, not wanting to commit to the certainty of starting transition. I was there to explore my feelings and options, and was open to ideas that I may not have come up with on my own. That all changed the moment she said to me, "so you're not sure about starting transition, rather you're testing the waters at the moment and are looking at what's out there?" That was exactly what I'd been doing the whole time, but when I heard those words, I thought, "No, that's so totally wrong! I know I want this, and it's the only way I'll every feel at peace with myself." And so came the moment I could say out loud, "No. I want to start transitioning to a physical form that suits my inner gender. I want to start transitioning to a man." Gaye smiled, and I realised that she'd led me to confirm my feelings in such a way that I'd not suspected her of trying to do so until it was all over and done with. Which is exactly what a great counsellor does.

We talked a lot about my planning to come out to my parents in the coming week(s), and I told her that I'd definitely do it by the time I'd gotten back in to Sydney in 4 weeks, as I wouldn't allow myself to chicken out. She gave me some reading materials that would be helpful to both me and my parents, and we made another appointment for the week I was to come back so we could talk about how things went.

After that, she introduced me to Sean and Catherine who also work at the Gender Centre. Catherine was in charge of the library of books they have there, and picked out a couple of autobiographies of FTMs that I could have while I was away (woohoo! Reading material for the plane!) and subscribed me to Polare, their quarterly publication. We had a nice little chat, as we found we'd had similar life experience and interests despite our huge age difference. Sean was very cool, he introduced himself to me as an FtM and made some light conversation. He was surprised that I'm 25, he'd thought I was more like 16 (yes, I get that a lot), and talked to me about their "drop-in" session later in the evening, which Gaye had mentioned. It was a 2-hour casual meet-up time for transsexuals of every age, colour, stage of transition and walk of life. I said I would come, as it would be nice to meet some other people who could share their experiences. He also asked if I had my referrals, and I said I'd come back to get one from him at my next appointment.

I came back to the centre later that evening, and there was food and drinks, and about 15 of us there - FtMs, MtFs, young teenagers to a tottering old MtF, people fully transitioned to people like me who were about to take their first steps. There was a young man from some gay health organisation who gave a little talk about HIV, which was good as I'd learned a couple of helpful things that I didn't know, and because people were encouraged to ask questions, it helped everyone feel comfortable with each other.

I met another FtM D (I don't know if people like having their names mentioned, so I'll use letters to identify these people) who worked there part-time, and we got to talking since he's a year older than me, has been on T for a year now and will be going for top surgery in a year or so from now. We talked about various things like working out, and he'd just bought a bench press which I thought was very cool. He was also trying to lose weight, so I said that we could be workout buddies. He seemed happy with this, as I suspect that he knew that having a workout buddy helps heaps with staying motivated and conscientious. We were interrupted as Sean needed help cleaning up the leftovers and stuff, and I didn't realise that it was already past 8 and I'd have to get going. Said goodbye to everyone and shook hands with Sean and D, saying I'd see them in a month. They were great, and it felt totally great when they shook hands with me, strong and firm, man-to-man.

Anyone in the Sydney area who hasn't already been, I'd recommend you stop in to the Gender Centre in Petersham. The people there are excellent, and they have a ton of resources should you ever need help with anything. I felt light as a feather walking out of the building to my car, and felt strong positive energy flowing through my veins. I'm doing the right thing, and I'll never have to live my life as someone I'm not ever again.

Posted in transition, counselling, Gender-Centre, trans-friends, community

The L Word ep.3

Warning: Spoilers follow. Ok, WTF was up with this last episode? We had the absolute funniest episode last week (ep 2), which I split my sides watching, and then this week's episode's just a bummer all-around! Bette's losing Tina and is selling the first ever print she's bought to control the money problems, not to mention losing face in front of all her friends by having her credit card declined AND Tina giving her dirty looks after offering to pay for everyone at Jenny's coming back dinner. Tina's continuing to be a real asshole towards Bette, although the one relief this episode was that there was no mention of her cyber-sex session with a guy.

Carmen's pretty much a bitch about Jenny bringing Max/Moira home with her, and while we're on that, POOR MAX/MOIRA!!! Poor guy's just a fish out of water, which he must be back home too, so it's no wonder he went running off like that! I suppose we should've all seen that coming, since he did hook up with the kooky Jenny. Thank God Shane was her usual cool self (and ADORABLE with that puppy), and Dana/Alice seem to be making some progress towards reconciliation. Which I suppose they have to start now, since DANA'S ABOUT TO FUCKING DIE!

So let's see - no positive storylines, not much of Rachel Shelley, no hot Shane/Carmen scene, no adorable Lara/Dana scene, everyone acts like assholes, and a meh score. I hate Ilene Chaiken.

Posted in L-Word, rant

Java applet annoying?

I've just realised that the countdown java applet above might take a while to load, and that the posts don't come on screen until the applet's ready to show. I've got a very fast connection so it doesn't bother me, but it may bother people with slower connections. Please leave me a comment if it is very slow to load, and I'll take it off. Thanks!

Posted in website

A sister in kind

"I felt that in wishing so fervently, and so ceaselessly, to be transplanted into a girl's body, I was aiming only at a more divine condition, an inner reconciliation." pg.18

"I did not know exactly where it was - in my head, in my heart, in my loins, in my blood." pg.14, about his early desire to have a woman's body.

"At other times I thought it might all be resolved by suffering, and when I sat in the dentist's chair, or lay miserable in the sickroom, or was being urged to be first off the diving-board into the cold pool, I called into play arcane formulae of my own" ... "I was really ticking off each moment of unhappiness as a contribution towards my release" ... pg.24

"I felt that there were Powers waiting to help me, some day. I did not despair, and being by temperament a cheerful child, and by circumstance a lucky one, I conditioned myself to cherish my secret more as a promise than a burden." pg.26

- A couple of quotes from Jan Morris' (born James Humphrey Morris) autobiographical account "Conundrum".

Posted in quotes

Friends...

And now I'm even more in a funk. I just had a chat with one of the few persons I consider a lifelong friend. We'd been best friends through our school years, and are still close. What made us even closer was that she's a lesbian, and had the courage to come out to me and the rest of our "gang" a few years ago. I wished I'd had her courage, as I never came out to those same friends.

Anyway, she's known that I'm into women all this while, but I'd only now said anything about my gender identity. Of course, she was very supportive although she didn't know much about the issue. Yet, it was awkward. Very awkward. And this was a conversation in text, across continents. Can you imagine what it would be like in person?

All in all, I'm starting to feel a lot more nervous about talking to my friends and family this trip home about this. I've just got to tell myself, it's now or never. I probably won't see any of them again until after I've started my transition, and it'll be a lot worse then. Plus, my parents would feel so betrayed and alienated if I took this step without having talked to them about it.

When will this get easier...

Posted in friends, coming-out

Parents...

I'm in a bit of a funk right now. Spoke to mum and dad on the phone, making sure that everything's on track for my short visit "home". I put home in open inverted commas because we don't actually have our home anymore. Mum and dad are travelling around doing volunteer work in poor and remote areas in their retirement, and I live overseas now, so there was little point in keeping our house. Instead, we have a room set aside for them in my aunt's house, and one of my cousins moves into her sister's room when I go back.

Anyways, mum asked about which part-time job I was considering most seriously, as I'd decided to only work part-time for the rest of this year and concentrate on myself for a while, having slogged through the last few years. When I mentioned one job over another that she preferred, I could hear the disapproval in her voice when she said, "I certainly hope that this is not your long-term plan." How my mother misunderstands me.

It's especially difficult because we're so close in my family. Dad's always clueless, but I always felt that he understood me. He takes the time to listen when I talk, reserving judgement until he's heard the whole story, and then talks to me about his point of view. We both accept that our opinions are open to debate, and that a logical argument may very well convince the other to change his/her views. Otherwise, we agree to disagree and respect each other's individuality. Most importantly, although he possesses some faults that to me are very big flaws, I think that we're fundamentally the same type of person - could this be because my dad and I were inseparable up until I turned about 6?

On the other hand, mum is on top of a lot of the details in my life. We were the type of family to talk about our days over dinner, and although I hardly remember interacting with my mum before I turned 6, we became very close from that point on. She knew all my friends from school, and those she hadn't met she knew by name. She'd take me shopping, to nice restaurants and cafes, and to the movies on Saturdays when dad was at work. I in turn knew most of her friends as well, and was often included as "one of the girls" in their outings.

And before you think I'm wierd, I'd just always gotten along with people older than myself. Although I had a lot of good friends my age, I also had many good friends in their final years at school. Being unable to drive, we couldn't hang out together on weekends unless all our parents dropped us off at one of the malls, which was rather seldom. We were inseparable during school days though, so that was enough.

Anyway, back to point. Because I haven't seen much of my parents in person over the last 5-6 years, it's difficult for my parents to know who I am now, to understand what makes me tick and what my priorities and value structure have evolved to. What makes it worse is that since mum knows a lot of superficial details about my life, she sort of forms her own idea of who I am, and takes that as the truth. Now, add to that the fact that she's the type of person to hear the first 3 words of a sentence, and then switch off because she thinks she knows what you're about to say anyway, and we've got a disaster on our hands here.

Now, it's been a month since I'd decided that I'd "come out" to them the next time we were together, and all this time I'd never considered them as separate people, but rather a unit. I'd thought about how I should say things, and when and in what order I'd say them so as best to handle their respective reactions. But now, I've just thought, "hey, maybe it would be a better idea to just talk to one of them, let the dust settle a little and then talk to the other." And it's starting to sound like a better idea each time I've thought it.

I reckon I'll talk to dad first, and I know that I can trust him not to say anything to mum if he knows that I'm just not ready to. He'll be able to discuss this rationally with me, ask questions and satisfy his need for answers without the risk of turning hysterical or bursting into tears or just walking away in denial. Who knows, maybe our conversations will become a little less superficial now.

Posted in personal, family, coming-out

Visit to the doc

My new doctor's extremely nice, and makes an effort to have me feel comfortable around him. Got my blood taken today (good thing I'd anticipated this and not eaten, as one of the tests required a 12-hour fast prior), and the results will be in by Monday next week. I'm also supposed to get a pelvic ulstrasound done, but the facility I've been referred to is booked out till the day I have to leave, so I'll get that done when I'm back in Sydney.

Before going in today, I'd thought about whether to tell my doc about my decision to start transition. I'd decided that I wouldn't do so until the blood results came back since it has no effect on my current condition, and would give me some time as to suss this guy out. To be honest, after this first visit, I don't think I'll be switching to a lady doctor as previously planned.

We'd talked about the various symptoms I was having, such as the weight gain, feeling tired, disruption in my menstrual cycle. I also told him about my dry skin, hair growth and testosterone levels in my previous test, and he gave me a quick talk about androgens and such. In any case, we'll wait till the blood tests come back before jumping to any conclusions.

Oh yeah - if it turns out that I do have a thyroid or adrenal gland dysfunction, I will be referred to an endocrinologist. It'll give me a chance to make some progress in this transition thing, as I'll probably have an appointment for the day after my visit to the counsellor. Woot!

And...

... we have a doctor's appointment. My previous GP has recently gotten married and is planning to stop working for a while to have children, so I've decided to find a new GP closer to my new home. I've found a nice medical centre with quite a number of women doctors on staff, but they're quite flat out so I've taken an appointment for tomorrow morning with a male doctor, since I don't really mind either way.

Since full bloodwork will take about a week for the results to come back, I'll likely be able to get my results back before leaving Australia. I'll ask to have it sped up if possible, so as not to cut things too close.

1 month mark!

It's been exactly a month since the day I'd come to terms with my conflict with my physical gender, and decided to start this blog. I've found that keeping this blog has been extremely therapeutic, especially since I keep convincing myself that it might help someone out there someday.

So there have been 474 hits already in the first month, and this makes me glad because I'd only just joined the FTM's Pride Ring recently and not plugged my website anywhere. There have also been 26 votes in the name poll on the left - a big thank you to all who voted!

On a less positive note, it's been 1 month and I still haven't been in to see the counsellor at The Gender Centre! She's a very busy lady, so there's no way I'm rescheduling my appointment on the 25th this month.

Thanks to anyone/everyone who's visited regularly, and please leave a message if you like. It's nice to hear encouragement from other people, especially if they're going through the same thing as you.

Posted in website

Body reaction and natural T therapy?

I thought I'd post this here since I've been thinking about this a little over the last few days. About 5 years ago, my periods started becoming a little irregular, with anywhere between 4 to 8 weeks between. Since my mother had had irregular periods when she was younger and had been put on "the pill" for it, it didn't really bother me. Besides, even though my periods were quite heavy, the "extra time off" was a pleasant side-effect for me.

After about a year of irregular periods, I had to get a blood test done for other reasons, so I told my doctor about my irregular periods, and she said that we might as well get a full bloodwork done. My hormone levels all came back within the normal range, but she did note that my testosterone levels are at the top end of the normal range for women. My periods went back to normal soon after this, so we both attributed this to stress (even though she did mention the possibility of Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)).

Soon after, my periods again started becoming irregular, and I actually went through 9 months without my period at all. It was a very busy time for me, and although I'd been advised to go back for a checkup and ultrasound the last time, I never got around to it. I have notices several things though: firstly, my body hair has been growing in, and I now have a light covering of fine dark hair on my upper arms, chest and belly. Where I already had hair, it's become thicker, darker and longer. I shave my legs (from wearing shorts often) and underarms, and I've found that the hair grows in very quickly now and I have to shave twice as often as before. Furthermore, I was shocked this last winter when I'd gone for a few weeks without shaving my legs, and discovered that the hair growing on my lower calves are now thick, long and curly! Some men would be envious.

Secondly, I've notices that my skin is a lot oilier and I've been getting the odd pimple on my chest and face. Now, before you think I'm kooky, let me tell you - I've gone through my life having immaculate skin and hardly had more than 20 pimples total on my face and body all through my teenage years. In fact, I've had to be careful to moisturise my skin more than anything, and use shampoo for dry hair. Nowadays, I find my face and hair get oily a lot faster. A lot faster.

Anyway, my point is, is my body rejecting its feminine state naturally? Did I subconciously always know that I belonged in a man's body even if I hadn't actually pin-pointed this feeling cognitively, and my body is simply reacting to what my brain's always known? In other words, has my body already started T therapy without my knowing it?!

Having just had my period after another short "hiatus", as well as the fact that I've changed my life priorities recently, I will make an appointment immediately to get my bloodwork done again, as well as get that ultrasound done. Who knows, it may be something even more serious like cancer, and there's no reason to put off getting checked up any longer.

And I'll bet anything that my testosterone level is higher than the last time, and possibly a bit higher than the norm for women my age? Will post an update here.

This post was edited because I lost my head and ended it before I'd actually intended to.

Posted in personal, transition, physique

New appointment

Have a new appointment date with the counsellor - Wednesday the 25th since neither of us can make it before then. It's such a pain that she's only in on Tuesday and Wednesdays, and her time is in such demand that you'll probably have to wait 2 weeks if you miss your appointment. Unless it's a crisis, I suppose.

I'm starting to wonder if it's going to be like this every step of the way. I certainly hope not, as I don't want to put off starting my "career" too long. Ah well - restarting the countdown, another 11 days to go now!

Posted in transition, counselling

Counselling session

I couldn't reschedule the Motorcycle Rider Training course, so I had to reschedule my counselling session instead. Updates tomorrow.

Posted in counselling

Burnt bridges? (Permanent effects of transitioning)

Ok, so I've got a preliminary plan for transitioning. Now, what happens if hell freezes over and I change my mind about wanting to live as a man? Or say I can't afford to stay on T. Here's a list of what will/not change if one stops taking T, taken from Hudson's Guide:

• Voice - Will stay at the pitch level it was at when T was stopped.
• Facial/Body hair - Hair that has grown in will continue to grow, but no more hair will start coming in.
• Clitoris - Will stay at the size it has grown to
• Body shape - Will revert to feminine body fat distribution
• Head hair - Hair that has been lost will most likely not grow back
• Acne - May lessen

In addition, I suspect that things like the thickening of one's skin and the growth experienced in the hands and feet will most likely remain. Also, I expect that the "male" features developed in the face will not go away. Of course, whether or not the ovaries have been removed play a large factor in how your body reacts to stopping T.

Conclusion: Not too bad actually. I'd have to shave a little more often, but electrolysis is an option if it's too bothersome. I have quite a girlish high-pitched voice at the moment even though I lower it quite a bit, so a deeper voice will most likely not bother me. Also, I've got a full head of full-bodied hair that grows in very thick, so a little thinning again will not be the end of the world.

More bothersome I suspect would be the potential androgeny - male facial features and voice, but female-ish body shape (flat-chested if top surgery done). Don't get me wrong - I *love* androgenous-looking women, but having to deal with being called "sir" sometimes and "ma'am" othertimes, as well as the puzzled looks when people are trying to figure out how to address you will most likely be a pain to someone who's transitioned once and then transitioned back.

! Disclaimer ! It may be ofensive to some that I've commented on "changing one's mind" on transitioning. I personally believe that no FtM would deny himself the chance to be a man, but technology and medicine at this time does not make the transition an easy one, and hence many FtMs may simply be unable or unwilling to cope with the difficulties be they social, physical or financial. Plus, young people considering starting their transition should really think long and hard about whether they are truly FtM or simply going through a rebellious/confusing stage, and this post aims to contribute to the considerations one should make.

Posted in personal, transition

Battle plan

4 days to my first visit to the counsellor at the Gender Centre, and I've just realised that I've double-booked myself! This is what happens when I forget to update my schedule on my Palm. So I've had to decide on either going for the counselling session or going for a compulsory motorcycle course (from letting my bike licence expire) - I've decided to go for the counselling session and do the course in March.

This upcoming session makes me think about what my "plan of attack" is with this whole transition thing. Firstly, I've always dressed in more masculine or gender-neutral style clothes but not exactly "as a man", so it's not going to be as seemless a transition into transition mode for me within my social circle. The biggest reason for this is that any excess weight I put on goes straight to my hips - if you recall an earlier post, I am currently carrying quite a bit of excess weight and hence my ample child-bearing hips are a dead giveaway. That is, if my 34D breasts don't. So it's a bit of an uphill battle here when it comes to passing.

On a side note, having lotsa of time to myself in the past couple of weeks has improved this situation tremendously. I've had the time and energy to go walking in the morning and evening, as well as a good walk/swim with the girls (my dogs S & N) on hot afternoons. I normally eat relatively healthily, so I've definitely dropped a bit of fat and lost a few inches, although I suspect my weight hasn't dropped too much since I'm doing weights as well. But the spike in the amount of energy I have is quite scary - I hate to think that the stresses of my daily life has taken such a toll on me! Some changes are definitely in store for this new year.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. At this point, I've figured that the best way to do this for me is to start on T while still living as a woman, until the point where I've lost enough weight and completed top surgery. I've been a jock all my life, so I have confidence that with a change in priority, I will be able to go back to a nice lean physique within a year or so. Now, if I'm able to start on T by June, that will mean that by mid-2007, I should be ready for top surgery, saved up enough money and had the time to do my homework on the right surgeon. I imagine that it will be the perfect time to officially start "passing" then, so I will work on telling my friends and family before this time.

The other reason that I think this will work is that I won't have to deal with office colleagues and conservative bosses for a while. I've planned on working as a full-time tennis coach for a while, and might go back to uni in the meantime, so I won't be considering a career-furthering proper office job till 2007 at the very least. If things go well, I'll probably put off getting that office job till after surgery, and enter the new workplace as a bio-male as far as my colleagues will be concerned.

Of course, there are so many variables that there is no sure-fire way to plan this, but I'm glad that I can see at least one way of getting through this relatively unscathed. The main issue now is that I'm not sure if there is a mandatory "living as a man for a year" before being given the green light to start T. Most of these questions should be sorted out next week, so we'll know how feasible the master plan is then!

Posted in transition, motorcycle, personal, physique

Liar liar!

I've realised that I lied in the last blog entry. I meant to say that I'm not miserable about my current sex life, not that I have no complaints about it. Of course I have complaints - I won't be fully happy until I have a strong flat chest, broad shoulders and can make love to a woman like a man!

On that note, I've had to come to terms that my sex life could suffer greatly from this point on. At this point, I've decided on top surgery and hormone therapy only (more on that later), which will mean 2 things:

1. I will most likely no longer appeal to lesbians


2. I may have trouble finding a straight woman/gay man who will be accepting of my lack of "equipment"

Of course, I'm talking about a "casual single" life here. Optimistic me somehow thinks that it will not affect my chances of finding a life partner, since I imagine many women would be happy to have a husband who for all intents and purposes (bar one I suppose) is a man, but has the emotional/intellectual standpoint of a woman. And yes, I am aware that being on T has emotional side effects (again, more on this later).

Thank goodness I live in a society that's more open to the idea of sexuality as a spectrum and not just black-and-white. Having felt great respect for the many gay men and women who had to live with the sexuality in the dark ages, I feel even more respect now for the many transsexual people who've had to live before us. Even nowadays, the transgender community has trouble finding support in their early stages from both the straight and gay community.

Kudos to all who came before us.

Posted in sexuality, oats, community

1 score and 4 years ago (part II)

Having come to terms a little more with my gender identity (see part I) I thought, "Well, now what does that mean to my sexual orientation and sexual identity?" I felt that I'd probably have a more enjoyable sex life (not that I have any complaints at the moment!) if I better understood these aspects of my psyche.

Now let's see. When I was growing up, I was attracted to girls and not at all interested in the guys. At the time, I accepted the fact that I was myself a girl. So that made me a lesbian. When I started university, I also found myself somewhat attracted to boys, and still accepted myself as a girl. So that made me a bisexual but mostly gay woman.

Now that I've learnt that I suffer from gender dysphoria (I hate how that sounds! Makes it seem like a horrible condition, when really it's such a liberating realisation) and now think of myself as a man with certain (temporary) setbacks. So my liking women makes me a heterosexual man, while my liking certain men makes me a somewhat gay man. So in that respect, I've moved from a 5 to about a 1 on the Kinsey Scale!

As I thought about this however, I started to realise that things weren't as simple as that. I was still thinking of my sexual orientation as a woman. So I started to think - if I were a man, would my sexual patterns change? And if so, how? And therein lies the most interesting question for me to discover the answer to as I complete my transition.

I know that "imagining" is not the same as "experiencing", and so I fully expect to change my mind about this in the future. However, at this point, I imagine that if I were a man, I'd be more inclined to sleep with other men than I am at this point, i.e. I'd enjoy having sex with a man more as a man than as a woman. Which means I'd move to say, a 2 on the Kinsey scale? Of course, this question will likely not be answered for a long time, but still it's interesting to understand why it is that I'd be so inclined. Is it that I've conditioned myself into thinking that I belong in the gay and lesbian community and hence "need" to retain some sense of homosexuality?

Talk about opening up a can of worms...

Posted in personal, sexuality, gender

Merry Christmas One and All!

I hope everyone's been having a great Christmas weekend so far. Me, I'm trying to recover from yesterday's Christmas Eve dinner and cope with today's Christmas... meal. I don't know what to call it - it starts at brunch (when everyone's finally out of bed) and continues on till past dinnertime. Having been invited to a good friend's family home for the day, I'm relieved that I will at least have tomorrow off to recover from all the eating done today - who can say no to a friend's mum continuously piling food on your plate?!

For those of you not fortunate enough to be surrounded by loving family members on this holiday season, I hope that you are surrounded instead by caring friends. Best wishes to all!

Posted in website

1 score and 4 years ago (part I)

What a rare day, when one can jump out of bed and look forward to a day with no responsibilities, chores or errands to be done. Took the dogs out for a nice long walk in one of the nearby reserves, and there seemed to be abundant wildlife about, especially rabbits and birds. We had a bit of a swim in the sea on the walk back, and as we lay on the grass drying off (well I did while the girls occupied themselves romping around) I thought, when did I first think about being a boy vs. being a girl? And that lead to a multitude other questions.

I remember that before I was about 2, it really never was an issue of whether I was a boy or a girl. I had curly long hair, and had dresses on as often as I had shorts on. Toys were more or less gender neutral, as my parents got me mostly educational toys and constructor sets.

I know that I started feeling dissatisfied with being a girl around the age of 2 though, and my mother had to threaten or guilt me into wearing skirts and dresses and frilly tops. Needless to say, she soon gave up and saved the trauma for special occasions and functions. Also, my action figure collection was starting to outnumber my doll collection. At about 4, the ultimate toy on my wish list was granted: an rc monster truck. I still remember the red paint job and decal flames to this day.

So while I know that I was already at odds being a girl at age 2, I remember thinking about it then simply as a temporary setback, like a phase I'd outgrow sooner or later*. I was still young enough to be a "tomboy" and so I didn't have to compromise myself socially, except during social functions when I accepted the "role" I had to play. In my innocence, I saw it exactly as that: a role to act in for the few hours.

Things changed when I finished kindergarten and pre-school at age 6, and the girls and boys began to gravitate further apart socially. I had my group of girl friends through years 1-6, although I was mostly quiet and liked to observe their preoccupation with pretty things and practicing their handwriting. I loved watching them play jump rope every recess, because I thought they were so graceful and femininely strong, soaring through the air and achieving seemingly unattainable heights (yes, we played a different kind of jump rope in my school).

I also had my group of boy friends, and although I hung out with them and did what they did, I was always careful to not "cross the line" and do anything I thought would be considered too boyish. Which wasn't much, to be honest.

The boys at my school were divided into 3 lots: the nerds who were good for nothing but the books, the gangsters who were bad hats and would do anything to be like their older brothers in triads, and the ones who fit in between - too rebellious to devote their lives to grades, but too functional to be labelled as a delinquent. My friends were “in-betweeners”, and spent their lunch breaks playing football, playing rpg’s and the like.

I remember feeling just as frustrated hanging with the guys as I did the girls – I had the mental and social maturity of a girl, but longed to kicked the football around shirtless like the boys. And this is where I think I started to feel at odds with my physical self, when I realised that maybe the problem wasn’t with my thoughts and attitude that I considered different from other little girls', but simply that I had been born into the wrong body.

As a lay on the sweet summer grass reconciled with myself, having traced through my growing years with the perspective of a world-weary adult, I felt even surer of my decision to start my transformation into a man. I know now that nothing and no one’s opinion is more important than being true to myself.

* Edited to add: I meant that I'd outgrow being a girl, and not that I'd outgrow being a "tomboy". Just thought I'd clear that up.

Posted in sunshine, the-tribe, personal, family, gender, friends

The Need to Know

I read something interesting today. Apparently, people have an inherent need to know the gender of the baby they are interacting with. If someone is asked to hold a baby, in general they will first ask if it is a boy or a girl. If they are not told, they may even go as far as peeking (you-know-where) to find out. If they are told not to peek, they will generally make up a gender for that child.

Are we naturally predisposed to treating boys and girls differently, or is it due to how deeply ingrained traditional gender roles are ingrained into us?

I suppose I can relate. Whenever I talk to parents about their babies/toddler, I actually tend to treat the child neutrally and never refer to the child as him/her. Up to the age where they can walk/talk anyway.

It's different with dogs though. Because I have 2 very charming dogs, people, mostly young women (hee!) and older couples, tend to stop and talk to me while we're on our daily walks. Especially other people with dogs. And I'm always embarassed because I always find myself looking for their "bits" (the dogs'. Get your mind out of the gutter!) so I can refer to the dog as a boy or girl before talking about it. Thank goodness it mostly seems like I'm simply admiring the dog's health or observing its temperament.

Posted in gender

Blue skies are gonna clear up...

... put on a happy face! =)

It was a great day today. More bills in the mail, and some Christmas cards from old overseas friends. The weather was great today, and I had to go to the post office to mail a couple of letters off (yes, snail mail is still alive), so I thought, what better time to take my dogs for a swim! N loves the water and S is usually a little iffy about taking a plunge, but there was no hesitation today! We had a great time, especially since the beach was nowhere near as crowded as usual (due to the recent riots). Heaps of people were out with their dogs however, so it was great fun all-around.

The walk to the post-office dried us all off, and it was nice to see some newbie surf groups head out to build their skills. Made me think about another reason I felt great today: the last year-and-a-half have not been kind to my physique. I've been so busy that I've not had time to be anywhere near as active as I'm used to, and that's played absolute havoc with my metabolism. The result: I'm carrying close to 20 kilos (that's 44 pounds to you!) more than I should, and a lot of it is flab and fat. It doesn't help that I eat a lot healthier than the average person and actually play some sport or the other on most weekends.

Anyway, at the risk of repeating myself, I felt great today. More energetic. Even my clothes seem to hang on me better than in the past few months. I've decided that the right thing to do will be to concentrate less on work, and work on losing most of this fat and flab. In fact, I resolve to officially have an extra half hour a day at the very least for a good run/swim and an hour of pilates/weights by the time the new year rolls in. In the meantime, I'll have to make do with getting up an hour earlier. I'll have the Christmas/New Year period to catch up on the sleep.

What's more, when I got home, I found that I'd heard back from Gaye, the counsellor at the Gender Centre. She said that I'd be able to come in on either the 10th or 11th of Jan for a session as she'd be away till then, unless I wanted to do a phone session. I said that I wasn't depressed or suicidal, so let's enjoy the holidays and I'll look forward to meeting in Jan.

In fact, it'll be perfect timing. I've just gotten off the phone with my parents. I hadn't counted on seeing them before mid-winter (that's about the end of August), but as luck would have it, our respective schedules have changed and we'll now be able to see each other in February. I'd planned to talk to them about both my gender identity (male) and sexual preferences (bi but primarily into women, which makes me mostly straight in my mind but mostly gay to the rest of the world I suppose) the next time I met them.

Had this been mid-winter, I would (preferably) have been at least 6 months on T and been far enough along the process to let them rest assured that I know what I want. However, now meeting in February means that I'm sure my mom will try to talk me into putting the whole thing off for a while "till I'm sure sure". Knowing them though, they'll be 100% behind me after the first week and it'll be great to be out and know that I have their love and support instead of living a double life. The next challenge will then be my extended family. Great.

As I was typing the last paragraph, a pair of white cockatoos landed on the railing on my balcony! I got some nuts out of the pantry and slowly walked up to them, and stretched out. They're quite tame and I see them quite often around the neighbourhood and in the tree just outside my balcony, so I wasn't surprised that one of them took a nut out of my hand and proceeded to eat it. The other immediately came up and started helping itself, so that was kind of cool. I hope that they don't start hanging out here though, as I'm not looking forward to cleaning up any mess they leave behind. It's bad enough having to pick up after 2 dogs.

Wow, it's a long entry so far today! I'll leave it at that, and hope that I'll have something to say here before the 10th of Jan.

Posted in coming-out, counselling, Cronulla, family, physique, sunshine, the-tribe