1 score and 4 years ago (part I)

What a rare day, when one can jump out of bed and look forward to a day with no responsibilities, chores or errands to be done. Took the dogs out for a nice long walk in one of the nearby reserves, and there seemed to be abundant wildlife about, especially rabbits and birds. We had a bit of a swim in the sea on the walk back, and as we lay on the grass drying off (well I did while the girls occupied themselves romping around) I thought, when did I first think about being a boy vs. being a girl? And that lead to a multitude other questions.

I remember that before I was about 2, it really never was an issue of whether I was a boy or a girl. I had curly long hair, and had dresses on as often as I had shorts on. Toys were more or less gender neutral, as my parents got me mostly educational toys and constructor sets.

I know that I started feeling dissatisfied with being a girl around the age of 2 though, and my mother had to threaten or guilt me into wearing skirts and dresses and frilly tops. Needless to say, she soon gave up and saved the trauma for special occasions and functions. Also, my action figure collection was starting to outnumber my doll collection. At about 4, the ultimate toy on my wish list was granted: an rc monster truck. I still remember the red paint job and decal flames to this day.

So while I know that I was already at odds being a girl at age 2, I remember thinking about it then simply as a temporary setback, like a phase I'd outgrow sooner or later*. I was still young enough to be a "tomboy" and so I didn't have to compromise myself socially, except during social functions when I accepted the "role" I had to play. In my innocence, I saw it exactly as that: a role to act in for the few hours.

Things changed when I finished kindergarten and pre-school at age 6, and the girls and boys began to gravitate further apart socially. I had my group of girl friends through years 1-6, although I was mostly quiet and liked to observe their preoccupation with pretty things and practicing their handwriting. I loved watching them play jump rope every recess, because I thought they were so graceful and femininely strong, soaring through the air and achieving seemingly unattainable heights (yes, we played a different kind of jump rope in my school).

I also had my group of boy friends, and although I hung out with them and did what they did, I was always careful to not "cross the line" and do anything I thought would be considered too boyish. Which wasn't much, to be honest.

The boys at my school were divided into 3 lots: the nerds who were good for nothing but the books, the gangsters who were bad hats and would do anything to be like their older brothers in triads, and the ones who fit in between - too rebellious to devote their lives to grades, but too functional to be labelled as a delinquent. My friends were “in-betweeners”, and spent their lunch breaks playing football, playing rpg’s and the like.

I remember feeling just as frustrated hanging with the guys as I did the girls – I had the mental and social maturity of a girl, but longed to kicked the football around shirtless like the boys. And this is where I think I started to feel at odds with my physical self, when I realised that maybe the problem wasn’t with my thoughts and attitude that I considered different from other little girls', but simply that I had been born into the wrong body.

As a lay on the sweet summer grass reconciled with myself, having traced through my growing years with the perspective of a world-weary adult, I felt even surer of my decision to start my transformation into a man. I know now that nothing and no one’s opinion is more important than being true to myself.

* Edited to add: I meant that I'd outgrow being a girl, and not that I'd outgrow being a "tomboy". Just thought I'd clear that up.

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