Parents...

I'm in a bit of a funk right now. Spoke to mum and dad on the phone, making sure that everything's on track for my short visit "home". I put home in open inverted commas because we don't actually have our home anymore. Mum and dad are travelling around doing volunteer work in poor and remote areas in their retirement, and I live overseas now, so there was little point in keeping our house. Instead, we have a room set aside for them in my aunt's house, and one of my cousins moves into her sister's room when I go back.

Anyways, mum asked about which part-time job I was considering most seriously, as I'd decided to only work part-time for the rest of this year and concentrate on myself for a while, having slogged through the last few years. When I mentioned one job over another that she preferred, I could hear the disapproval in her voice when she said, "I certainly hope that this is not your long-term plan." How my mother misunderstands me.

It's especially difficult because we're so close in my family. Dad's always clueless, but I always felt that he understood me. He takes the time to listen when I talk, reserving judgement until he's heard the whole story, and then talks to me about his point of view. We both accept that our opinions are open to debate, and that a logical argument may very well convince the other to change his/her views. Otherwise, we agree to disagree and respect each other's individuality. Most importantly, although he possesses some faults that to me are very big flaws, I think that we're fundamentally the same type of person - could this be because my dad and I were inseparable up until I turned about 6?

On the other hand, mum is on top of a lot of the details in my life. We were the type of family to talk about our days over dinner, and although I hardly remember interacting with my mum before I turned 6, we became very close from that point on. She knew all my friends from school, and those she hadn't met she knew by name. She'd take me shopping, to nice restaurants and cafes, and to the movies on Saturdays when dad was at work. I in turn knew most of her friends as well, and was often included as "one of the girls" in their outings.

And before you think I'm wierd, I'd just always gotten along with people older than myself. Although I had a lot of good friends my age, I also had many good friends in their final years at school. Being unable to drive, we couldn't hang out together on weekends unless all our parents dropped us off at one of the malls, which was rather seldom. We were inseparable during school days though, so that was enough.

Anyway, back to point. Because I haven't seen much of my parents in person over the last 5-6 years, it's difficult for my parents to know who I am now, to understand what makes me tick and what my priorities and value structure have evolved to. What makes it worse is that since mum knows a lot of superficial details about my life, she sort of forms her own idea of who I am, and takes that as the truth. Now, add to that the fact that she's the type of person to hear the first 3 words of a sentence, and then switch off because she thinks she knows what you're about to say anyway, and we've got a disaster on our hands here.

Now, it's been a month since I'd decided that I'd "come out" to them the next time we were together, and all this time I'd never considered them as separate people, but rather a unit. I'd thought about how I should say things, and when and in what order I'd say them so as best to handle their respective reactions. But now, I've just thought, "hey, maybe it would be a better idea to just talk to one of them, let the dust settle a little and then talk to the other." And it's starting to sound like a better idea each time I've thought it.

I reckon I'll talk to dad first, and I know that I can trust him not to say anything to mum if he knows that I'm just not ready to. He'll be able to discuss this rationally with me, ask questions and satisfy his need for answers without the risk of turning hysterical or bursting into tears or just walking away in denial. Who knows, maybe our conversations will become a little less superficial now.

Posted in personal, family, coming-out