Extracurricular activities

I've decided to enrol in a class or two to either brush up on certain skills that I used to have (e.g. playing the guitar, drums or piano, singing, judo, working with glass, ballroom dance or language classes) or to pick up some new skills (e.g. life drawing, a new sport, swing dance or a new language). Going through the list, I've eliminated the following:

guitar, drums and piano: since all I have to do is practice on my own to "shake off the rust". Besides, I'd just sold my drums and don't have a piano. *sniff*

singing: because it's lame. Heh, no, I figured that I'd consider it when my voice starts changing due to T, it'll probably come to better use then.

judo: I'm already trying to recover from current injuries. I might wait until my muscles can provide my problem joints a little more support before hitting the mat again.

glass: Too expensive for too little results. I'm starting to think about potential costs for T and surgery, so maybe it's a good time to start being a little more careful about money.

ballroom and swing dance: Don't have no one to go with. :( Besides, it may be a little easier for the instructor to understand that I want the guy's part once I'm a little ways into T.

life drawing: Or any drawing for that matter. I picked up a book from a library and am learning from that (with much success I might add) so why pay someone to do the same thing?

a new sport: see judo.

So that pretty much left language classes. I'll either brush up on Italian or Russian, or take up Portuguese. I've enquired at one of the places that I know and they're ok with me checking out the appropriate level classes before settling on one, which is nice. First stop: Beginner's Portuguese.

Posted in personal

Call for Berocca

So, tomorrow's the next session with the counsellor, and tomorrow's the day I will come home with that referral. Have also been bumping into people I haven't seen in AGES, so that's been very nice.

Not in the mood to post in-depth today, but I'm sure I'll have lots to talk about late tomorrow. A bientot!

Posted in counselling

Deadlines

Deadlines, deadlines! Will have to bite the bullet tomorrow.

Posted in website

It is better to have loved and lost...

... than to have never loved at all. Someone said this to me 4 years ago and I promptly smacked him upside the head, then proceeded to explain relentlessly why I disagreed with him. How could anyone ever wish to experience the excruciating pain of having to let go of the love of your life? The indescribable pain that goes right through you, that makes your heart clench tightly and makes you feel like your chest is about to collapse on itself. The pain that makes you want to curl up into a tight ball and never face the world again? The pain that makes you truly understand the poetry of the terms "heartbreak" and "drowning in despair"?

4 years on, I find myself agreeing that it *is* indeed better to have love and lost than to never have experienced the miracle of true love. The feeling of being "on top of the world", the slight terror of doubt that your heart could possibly keep from bursting with amour. The absurdity of the fact that you could find one little freckle so fascinating, and the certainty that you would do anything to make her smile.

For me, it truly was the summer of love. We'd just rung in the new millennium, I'd just moved overseas and out of home, and I was in the best shape of my life. Our paths had crossed for a brief moment a few months prior, and neither one had even thought twice of it. However, fate threw us together again, in another millennium and on another continent, and we both knew straight away that we had met the love of our lives.

At face value we were as different as night and day - me dark-skinned, dark-haired, serious and logical, she fair, blonde, happy-go-lucky and superstitious. But the more layers you peeled back you'd see that we were more and more the same person. What more could you want in a person you'd spend the rest of your life with? Her gioia di vivere and talent for la vita bella opened up a whole new world to me, while my more sensible approach kept her grounded and productive. The year we enjoyed together changed our lives forever; she had the best season of her career, finding herself among the best in the world, and I had my eyes forever opened to the beauty around me, in every sense of the word.

We had to eventually give in to the fact that life simply had different paths to take us, that being physically apart for 6 months at a time was just too much to bear. Although we'd officially called it quits, neither could come to terms with the idea that our grande storia d'amore had ended until about a year after. Only more than 2 years later could we begin to fully enjoy each other's friendship without heart-wrenching thoughts of "if only" and "what if".

So now at the veteran age of 25 I ask, having loved and lost, will there ever be a greater love in my life? Or in this case, will I have a new greatest love in my new life...

Lovers under Il Ponte Rialto, photo by Jeff Booth

Posted in personal, sexuality, oats

The Tribe has spoken...

... you are the Weakest Link. (Am I mixing up game shows here?)

Ok, I'm being mean. Nikki wasn't kicked out, she was let go of with much sorrow and heartbreak. And so the Tribe is down to 2 active members.

Because I moved to a 1-bedroom apartment from a shared house with a big backyard, I've had to think about giving poor Nikki away for adoption. Being a Beagle, she's very high-energy and needs space to run around, so it isn't exactly fair to have her in the apartment especially during the colder months when we can't be outdoors too much.

Nikki under the doona when she was younger
The problem was that I didn't want to give her to just anyone. I needed to be sure that her new family would treat her with as much care and pay as much attention to her as she's used to. I can't stand families that just have the dog in the back yard for the sake of having a dog, and pay little attention to it. Both the little ones sleep in bed with me (even when there's *ahem* company over) and we all wake up in a tangle of limbs in the morning, so I couldn't imagine what it would be like for her to be kept outdoors permanently.

Anyway, the answer came when a good friend of mine had to put her family beagle down due to old age. They have a big back yard, they're used to beagles, my friend goes running every day, and they have someone home nearly all the time because her mum doesn't work! Also, they're a warm caring family and had already noticed a hundred little things about Nikki's personality in a couple of days.

So Nikki's got a new home and is better off for it. Now I've got to resist the urge to visit every weekend!


Sasha misses Nikki already.
(Sorry for the mess of wires behind her head!)

Posted in the-tribe

Oh, and...

What I'd give to get a jawline like that! (see post below) Let's see if anyone has any tips online!

Eta: The general consensus seems to be that it's up to genetics and body fat levels to determine one's jawline. And then of course there's cosmetic surgery involving jaw implants. The other school of thought is that doing facial exercises will tone and slightly alter the various features on your face, with allegations that it's common practice among actors. Not surprisingly, the only people claiming this are companies selling products.

In any case, I've got fairly fabulous cheekbones and jaw structure (the barf bags are over there, thank you) so the combination of lowered body fat and testosterone will hopefully render a satisfactory result. Then again, can't hurt to start chewing rubber bands. Will post pics soon after getting that first dose!

Head of Hair

So, I finally got a haircut. For those of you who don't already know, about 2 1/2 years ago, I lost my mind and put my hair into dreadlocks. Summer came, summer went, and not being able to run my finers through my hair started to drive me nuts, so about 18 months later, I cut them all off and ended up with the shortest hair I've ever had, about 2-3 inches long all over.

I've had a year to grow out my hair, and it's grown to the longest I've ever had it (my hair grows out pretty fast, don't ask me what's in the water), which was really starting to bug me. Being sporty and rolling around the grass/sand with your dogs means washing your hair a lot, and with thick wavy hair like mine, washing and drying it was a real pain. The reason I've let it frow this long is so that I can get a proper cut, instead of having it too short in places.

So anyway, I finally got my haircut today while out picking up my new amp, and I'm so glad I did! The lady asked what sort of haircut I wanted, and I described it to her as best as I could - back to just shoulder-length and layered, sides cut to just tuck behind my ears, with an undercut near the front. She then asked if I had any photos of what I wanted, and I thought, "Damn, I couldn't think of anyone with exactly what I wanted," and then it hit me! Francesco Totti when he used to have his wavy mane of hair! Thank God I had an Italian lady cutting my hair, she immediately knew what I was talking about and cut it perfectly. And thank God for World Cup fever, else I don't think he would have come to my mind!

So the main thing today was, I had the guts to ask for a haircut which has obviously male stylings. The lady didn't bat an eye, keeping a professional attitude (if you don't count our eyebrow-raising conversation) and doing what I wanted instead of offering alternatives and discouraging comments, etc. I'm going to try a place a little closer to home the next time I get a haircut, and if they don't get it right, she may just have gained a new regular!

My parting gift to you: a couple of pictures of Francesco with my haircut! =)

Posted in transition, new-id

Duke of my Dreams

The last couple of weeks have been cold and rainy, but as expected, it's turned warmer and sunny this last week. Experts predict a mild winter for us in Oz, which has brought back thoughts of zipping through the countryside on my bike, enjoying the splashes of red, orange and gold that line the country roads.

Now that I've left you with that image, I might introduce you to the Duke of my dreams. No no, I do not harbour secret feelings of love for a member of the male species, but rather feelings of lust for a little Monster:

Red with Black Stripe
The Ducati Monster S4R, in all its naked glory. Nothing in my mind will ever match the stylings of the monster, and I hope that Ducati never stops producing them. Try as you might, I'll never give up the compact, street-fighter feel of the Monsters for the laid-back ease of the low rider or the fairings of a CBR. Besides, it'd go so well with a nice Italian leather jacket. :)

While I'm at this, I might mention that the good man that he is, Ethan Niko's set up a trans-men's Motorcycle Club based in Australia (but all are welcome to join) on Yahoo! Groups called FTM Grease Monkeys. It's only just started and is still pretty small, but I hope it'll take off and maybe we'll organise a ride to kick off the summer!


Blue with White Stripe
Posted in motorcycle

I can see the starting line!

Yes, I know the saying is "finish line" and not starting line, but then it wouldn't make all that much sense now, would it?

So the last counselling session at The Gender Centre was pretty much a waste of time and left me in a bit of a funk three weeks back, making me feel like I'm going nowhere with this. It was such a let-down that I didn't know what to expect from today's session. However, it turned out infinitely better than the last time, and it looks like I'll soon be getting an official green light to move on with things! More specifically, I feel that I'm getting close to getting that all-important presciption for T - that precious Essence of Man (eeewwww!!!). Just a couple more hoops to jump through!

Rant: What is it with the world nowadays and processes? I mean, I'm an engineer so I understand the importance of protocol and processes, but are we taking things too far? Are we expecting such high safety standards that we expend too many resources and put things on hold for too long? Recently we had 2 coal miners trapped underground when a part of a coal mine in Tasmania collapsed. Both men escaped none the worse for wear, but the furor over the incident was embarassing. These 2 men weren't heroes, they were just lucky that they were in a reinforced cage-like structure during the collapse. While they were underground, they were supplied plenty of food, protection from the cold and harmful gasses, and even luxury items such as chocolate, beer and mp3 players! Now the mine will be shut down and repercussions will be felt across mines all over the country. It's a fuckin' coal mine! Danger is a part of the job! Are we that surprised that this happened?!

Tying this back to the topic, us trans-people are made to jump through so many hoops because of the few who were either dumb enough transition without thinking it through, or couldn't take the responsibility for being in a difficult situation and chose to point fingers instead. Is it really the health care professional's fault that the person regretted undergoing hormone therapy/surgery? How much caution must the psych take in determining whether a candidate is lying or unsure about the things s/he says?

Once again, the masses pay for the mistakes of a few.

Posted in counselling, transition, rant

Tags

I've just put tags on all the back posts and will be using them from now. I was thinking of using del.icio.us and technorati to organise them, but didn't like the fact that my tags would be stored on a different server, as well as the fact that users would have to browse to an external website in the course of surfing through the categories, so I've kept it in-house and gotten rid of the tags that were on here before.

Posted in website

Pets n Vets

Ok, so my little bubba Sasha had knee surgery a year ago because her knee-cap kept popping out of place, due to her genetic predisposition to having a shallow groove where it's supposed to sit, as well as the fact that she's a little bow-legged in her hind legs. She was only 2 years old at that point so it wasn't really bothering her, but she'd have to sort of kick her leg back increasingly to get the knee-cap back into place. Not wanting her to develop arthritis over the years due to the abrasion this would cause, I shelled out the $2k required to surgically correct this.

Now, a few months ago, I noticed that she'd started limping on that same leg. This worried me, because it had only been about 6 months since the surgery and I had a strong feeling that something was not right. So I took her back to the vet, who said that she may have jarred it and caused some soft-tissue damage, gave us some anti-inflammatories and told me to keep an eye on her. Things didn't change, although she limped more one some days than others, and the vet maintained that everything was in place and that she probably just needed some time to recover.

Fast forward to 2 days ago, when I finally had enough of the situation and demanded that the vet take the case a little more seriously. I felt that he'd thought that Sash was just a whiny dog and me an overzealous owner, which I can understand from his point of view considering the types of young owners he often sees. However, he should have believed me when I'd said that she's a very bright, cheerful girl who never complains about anything, and we're so close that we know what the other's going to do before either one even moves a muscle. My fears were confirmed when he finally admitted that the best shot would be to have the pins and wire removed from her knee since they'd already served their purpose, and see how she goes. He admitted her immediately and performed the surgery the same afternoon. I should also add that he quickly got me to sign the waiver including a paragraph at the bottom stating that I would pay about 800 bucks for the surgery.

I called in in the late afternoon and asked how it went - the guy left another vet to handle the call (there are 3 vets there, all of whom I'm familiar with and 2 of whom I'm not-so-fond of. Unfortunately, the same 2 vets are the most senior and very experiences vets) and she told me that the tension band in her knee would definitely have been causing her discomfort because it was too tight and had started CUTTING INTO the bone! She recovered quickly from the aenesthetic, so we got to pick her up before closing time. The poor girl was so happy to see us despite her bald leg (which looked really funny since she's a little shaggy dog) and we had to be really careful to get her not to jump around on her leg.

Anyway, she's been so active these last 2 days it's not funny. I'd thought that she'd gotten lazy in the recent months, as she'd been a little less eager for her walks, and had gotten tired a lot quicker on our daily jaunts. I'd tease her about struggling to get her fat bottom (which really wasn't fat at all) up the stairs, and now I feel HORRIBLE about not having pressured the vet to do this sooner. The poor dear's been so frisky and playful since coming home, it warms my heart to see her back to her familiar self, yet I'm heartbroken to think that she'd been suffering all this time while keeping a brave face.

So anyway, today's little Sasha's birthday, and her $800 birthday present is her poor little leg working all better again. Now if only my wallet felt a little better...

The tribe: Sasha (left) and Nikki

Posted in the-tribe, rant

Blogger's Block

There are so many things I want to write about on here! I just can't bring myself to sit down and write it... maybe at the end of the week when I'll finally be done with this damned project.

One thing I can write about right now is my new nickname (hee! Get it? Nick. Name.) that I've been christened with. You'll probably have seen it all over this page by now, and I absolutely love it! Nickles! Hee!

I am starting to get used to the idea of my outside matching my inside (even though it isn't totally happening yet), and I really find the idea quite tittilating. It helps though with the fat-loss and big gain in strength (which reminds me, I really have to update my damn "healthy lifestyle" blog too!), and I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel my "inner structure" and "inner image" more now than my actual external self. It's scary sometimes, sort of like stepping out of a cave you've been living in to find yourself suddenly exposed to a wide-open field in the bright sunshine. It's beautiful, but it's scary and strange at the same time. I get more and more frequent "glimpses" of this feeling nowadays.

ETA: Now I just gotta get past those damn "nickle n dime" jokes.

Posted in new-id, personal, ala-mode

Treading Water

Nowhere,

      I'm going around in circles.

A blabbering idiot.

Posted in ala-mode

The 10 Most Damaging Myths about Transmen and FTMs

From True Spirit 99:

10. All FTMs come from the lesbian community, and after transition are heterosexual. (That is, attracted to women.)

9. Transsexualism/transgenderism can be "cured" by psychotherapy. Transsexual men are really just lesbians.

8. FTMs did not exist until after World War II, with the advent of hormone therapy and sex reassignment surgery.

7. Female-to-Males are far rarer than Male-to-Female transsexuals.

6. Transmen seek to live as and be recognized as male in order to obtain male privilege and economic advantages.

5. All transmen exhibit stereotypically male behavior and want to be as macho as possible.

4. Taking testosterone makes Female-to-Male transsexuals much more aggressive and angry than they were before taking hormones.

3. All FTMs want genital reconstruction as the driving force of their transition, not necessarily the social aspects that go along with masculinity.

2. Historically, all women only chose to live as men to pursue careers that were otherwise unattainable to them, to seek economic opportunities, or to justify lesbian relationships.

1. Transmen are really just butch lesbians who change sex to justify same-sex relationships or to avoid harassment.

Posted in rant

Numerology (Part II)

In adopting these new energies/vibrations, they will add to those already with me from my original birth date and names, i.e. the energies/vibrations from my original birth date/names will always stay with me. When changing one's name, it is important to honestly consider one's strengths and weaknesses - this way, it may be possible to successfully alter a name to be consistent with one's natural stengths and weaknesses and thus create more harmony in one's lives.

[ Geez, sounds flaky doesn't it. I promise, I'm not a flaky person. My name isn't Dharma and I don't live life as dictated by ideas such as feng sui and biorhythms and energies, but I do take them into consideration where it doesn't cause too much inconvenience. Being an engineer/physiscist, I do believe in the law of conservation of energy, so it's only natural to apply this rule to the spiritual world, i.e. everything that's ever existed got its energy from somewhere and left its own mark on those energies, releasing them in a new form when it ceased to exist materially. =) ]

New "birth date" and names:

Birth Path: Shows the opportunities present from birth that a person can use to express themselves. Often looked at as the vibration that describes the attributes of the type of career a person can successfully undertake. It is the road or path that is set and unchangeable for the person to take and complements the wisdom and experience from the total birth name.

I wasn't sure which date to use, the day I'd first gone to see a counsellor and took my first step towards being "my new self", or perhaps the day I finally get the green light from the psychiatrist for my T prescription, or even the day I receive my first dose of T. I suppose that it's going to be a future date, I could manipulate things and choose an auspicious day to do it.

First name: Represents the key to the character. It is the personal and physical side to how you perceive and carry yourself.

Nicolas

28 Keywords: Leader and Organiser (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): A born leader with great organising abilities. Abundantly self-confident; must guard against exaggeration and extravagance. 1 Keywords: Independant, Original, Pioneer and Leader (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A self-reliant person with strong leadership qualities. An original thinker who appears strong-minded; an ideas person.

Middle names: Represent the inner secret self and shows as emotions. It is part of the character that sets the tone for how one reacts to situations.

Aleksander

45 Keywords: Dedicated and Benevolent (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): A person who is completely unique and uncompromising. They let nothing get in the way once they are convinced of something. 9 Keywords: Compassion, Wise, Humanitarian and Completion (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A person with high ideals who feels for others and responds in considerate compassionate ways. Seem wiser than their years. Compelled to complete projects.

Lucius

22 Keywords: Builder, Balance and Strength (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): A master vibration that gives this person a strong desire to make or build, not only materially but ideally. Has determined strength to follow through with projects. Recognition is often given, due to their success. 4 Keywords: Organised, Practical, Hard Worker and Disciplined (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A serious and structured person. Approaches life in a practical way; often thought of as down-to-earth.

Aleksander Lucius

67 Keywords: Realist and Logical (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): These people are aware of their capabilities and know how to juggle responsibility with self-needs. Normally operate from a logical point of view. 4 Keywords: Organised, Practical, Hard Worker and Disciplined (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A serious and structured person. Approaches life in a practical way; often thought of as down-to-earth.

Last name: Represents the contemplative self. It is how you seize life and use your intellect to navigate your way through life, and drives your thinking process.

Mariusz

35 Keywords: Ambitious and Resourceful (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): This person sees possibilities for success in almost everything. Has a natural ability to use contacts for linking up and making things happen. 8 Keywords: Power & Success, Ambition, Authority and Give & Receive (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): This person can be extremely competitive witha desire to have power and to succeed. The key is giving and receiving in balanced measure.

Full name: The true vibrational energies that were brought into this life.

Nicolas Aleksander Lucius Mariusz

130 -> 13 Keywords: Transformer and Disciplined (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): A karmic vibration that requires the person to be orderly and disciplined. Often such a person is either a workaholic or extremely lazy until they learn to transform and balance in a creative way. 4 Keywords: Organised, Practical, Hard Worker and Disciplined (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A serious and structured person. Approaches life in a practical way; often thought of as down-to-earth.

Vowels: Reveal the inner disposition or individualism. This can be likened to the inner motor that drives and compels a person to be an individual, separate and different.

56 Keywords: Ambassador and Judge A person with good intuition and insight who can assist others to their right path or decision. Can see both sides of a situation, which makes an excellent judge.

Consonants: Reveal the personality. This can be likened to a mask, not necessarily a true picture of the character; however, it is how people describe you as this is what you show to others.

74 Keywords: Virtuous and Analytical A candid person, often lacking in tact. Can be extremely analytical; often over-critical. Has a magnetic attraction -- people either love or dislike this person. Honours are often bestowed on them.

Pathway: The map we wish we were born with. Often not realised until a person is more mature (approx. 45 to 58 years old).

Also depends on the "birthdate", so I guess it'll have to wait.

Missing numbers: Indicate the particular energies that need to be worked on and/or overcome to be more balanced.

6 Keywords: Responsible, Honest, Love and Home & Family A person who is honest and trustworthy. Has a tendency to take on responsibility without thinking of the consequences. 7 Keywords: Thinker, Refined, Perfectionist and Quiet (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): An observant person who enjoys contemplative pursuits. Often thought of as dignified and reserved. Looks for perfection in all situations and people.

Posted in personal, new-id

Numerology (Part I)

In trying to pick and figure out the best way to pick a new name, I did a numerology analysis of both my birth date/names, as well as on the shortlist of new names and my "new birthdate". Here's what came up:

Original birth date and names:

Birth Path: Shows the opportunities present from birth that a person can use to express themselves. Often looked at as the vibration that describes the attributes of the type of career a person can successfully undertake. It is the road or path that is set and unchangeable for the person to take and complements the wisdom and experience from the total birth name.

6 The Provider Enjoys health and healing; involved with social issues.

First name: Represents the key to the character. It is the personal and physical side to how you perceive and carry yourself.

33 Keywords: Teacher and Counsellor (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): A master energy that will have the opportunity to reach many. Creative in their approach. Teaching and counselling come naturally, but they must learn to detach. 6 Keywords: Responsible, Honest, Love and Home & Family (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A person who is honest and trustworthy. Has a tendency to take on responsibility without thinking of the consequences.

Middle name: Represents the inner secret self and shows as emotions. It is part of the character that sets the tone for how one reacts to situations.

46 Keywords: Affluent and Resolute (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): These people appear well-to-do, often attracting abundance. They stand up for themselves, having the courage of convictions of self and others. 1 Keywords: Independant, Original, Pioneer and Leader (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A self-reliant person with strong leadership qualities. An original thinker who appears strong-minded; an ideas person.

Last name: Represents the contemplative self. It is how you seize life and use your intellect to navigate your way through life, and drives your thinking process.

23 Keywords: Adventurer and Innovative (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): A person with a sense of change and adventure. Sensitive to outer energies and able to see possibilities in situations. 5 Keywords: Carefree, Curious, Freedom and Change (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A carefree, happy-go-lucky type ruled by the five senses. Curious by nature, always ready for a new experience.

Full name: The true vibrational energies that were brought into this life.

102 -> 12 Keywords: Inventive and Crusader (As subconscious knowledge and spiritual wisdom): A leader with high ideals and a keen mind to solve problems. Can appear restless, with nervous energies. Enjoys socialising. 3 Keywords: Creative, Charmer, Expressive and Communicator (How the vibration is experienced or actually lived out): A person with a versatile flair for creating. Can be shy when young. Must take care not to become scattered. Excellent at communication in oral or written skills. Great salesperson.

Vowels: Reveal the inner disposition or individualism. This can be likened to the inner motor that drives and compels a person to be an individual, separate and different.

38 Keywords: Mediator and Storyteller A person with great imagination and quick wit, excellent storyteller and negotiator. Often the centre of activity.

Consonants: Reveal the personality. This can be likened to a mask, not necessarily a true picture of the character; however, it is how people describe you as this is what you show to others.

64 Keywords: Distinguished and Notorious Persons with this energy can have honours come to them as they are driven to help and are often pillars of the community. Everyone seems to know them.

Pathway: The map we wish we were born with. Often not realised until a person is more mature (approx. 45 to 58 years old).

135 -> 18 Keywords: Leader and Volunteer This person wants to make the world a better place for all to live. Is able to relate to others with tolerance and love, using natural leadership abilities.

9 To be selfless in tolerance and compassionate to all. To embrace and become the healer or teacher or mentor you came to be.

Missing numbers: Indicate the particular energies that need to be worked on and/or overcome to be more balanced.

2 Keywords: Detailed, Cooperative, Supportive and Balanced A person who enjoys detailed work. Patient, tolerant, and quick to please. Tries to maintain balance and harmony in all situations.

Posted in personal

And I Shall Name Thee v2.0

The matter of coming up with a name has been bugging me non-stop since day 1, and all the more so now that I'm getting so close to my first day on T. So here's what I'm considering at the moment:

There are lots of boys' names out there that I like, but I feel don't necessarily suit me personality-wise or looks-wise. For some reason, when I was much younger and the Internet was in its youth, I once had the idea of posing as male in some social chat rooms on IRC (yeah, remember that?). I don't know how the idea came to me, but I do remember how nervous I was and how the shivers ran up my spine when I logged on under the new id for the first time.

I soon realised that I hadn't exactly thought this true when someone asked me my name. Mind you, this was back when even internet connections were nowhere near the speeds we get today, and even text took a while to transfer. So I at least had a handful of seconds to respond, and came up with: Nick. Don't ask me why, but there it was. And because it's stayed in my consciousness all these years, Nicholas will be my first name: what friends yell out when they see me across the street (or what enemies would while they were chasing me with burning sticks I suppose), what my girlfriend whispers urgently into my ear, what I write in those little boxes when I fill out forms (and there will be many of those, no doubt).

So Nicholas Alexander Marius I will be. If you think that's overkill, I really want to work "Lucius" (Luke) somewhere in there, but I fear that 4 names will be a little much (i.e. Nicholas Alexander Lucius Marius) so I'll leave that to when I actually change my name legally before deciding on whether I'll leave it out. I also haven't decided on the spelling for "Nicholas" (e.g. Nicolas, Nikolas, Nickolas) and "Alexander" (e.g. Aleksander, Aleksandr).

Nicholas derived from the Greek "Nikolaos", a combination of the words nike (victory) and laos (people), i.e. victory of the people. Famous people/characters: Tsar Nikolai Aleksandrovich Romanov (the last emperor of Russia), Niccolò Machiavelli (a Florentine political philosopher), Niels Bohr (because I'm an electrical engineer) and Nicolaus Copernicus (an astronomer who first theorised that our solar system was centered around the sun).

Alexander derived from the Latin "Alexander", a combination of the words alex (refuge, protection, defence) and andros (man), i.e. protector of man. Famous people/characters: Alexander the Great (of course), and a whole bunch of other monarchs.

Lucius derived from the Latin lux (light), i.e. bringer of light. Famous people/characters: Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus (the Emperor Nero), and a whole bunch of prominent men in Roman history.

Marius derived from the Roman Mars (God of War), or else from the Latin root mas, maris meaning "manly". Often thought to be from the Latin "mare" (sea). Famous people/characters: Gaius Marius (a famous Roman general), Marius de Romanus (an important character in the Vampire Chronicles).

Thanks to all who have voted in the poll on the left. It was interesting to see which names people liked the most. The final results are below, and a new poll has been put up.

Which name you liked the most. Total votes: 58.

Posted in new-id, website

My Life in B-l-u-e

I am in *love* with this comic. The art style and quality just bowls me over, especially because I'm getting quite sick of the manga influence in cartoons and the such nowadays. Zan Gullo does an impressive job capturing a certain mood with his combination of dialogue and images.

I haven't gotten far enough into the archives to be able to comment on the storyline, but I'm already a huge fan of the strip. I think that I may have just been introduced to the first trans character (FtM Marius?) though.

Also check out his Science Fiction and Fantasy section/repository, entitled Elfwood.

Venus Envy

Check out Erin Lindsey's Venus Envy, a great little online comic about an MtF teenager who's trying to adjust to her new life. Don't worry, there's an FtM character in the main cast too. Anyway, it addresses many little issues that will ring a bell for all of us, and is an entertaining read most of the time.

There's a full archive available on the website, although you'll have to get the "strips" day-by-day since I don't think the "weekly view" is available. The graphics load pretty quickly though, so those of you with dial-up shouldn't worry.

T therapy here I come!

Went to see Gaye yesterday, and had another great session. I felt that we got to know each other a little better this time around. Although the session wasn't as ground-breaking as the earlier ones, it certainly went well as she knew the background to a lot of the things I wanted to say to her, so I had to sidetrack less this time around and could make my statements/points a lot more directly.

The great thing is that near the end, she said that she's convinced that I know myself well, and that she trusts me to make the decisions as to what's best for me. We talked about starting T therapy, and she said that it may be a good idea to wait till my next session (she gave me a few things to think about in the meantime) before getting that crucial appointment with the psychiatrist (for the T prescription). She then asked when I thought the next appointment should be, i.e. when I think I'd be fully ready to start T therapy. Of course, I laughed and said that I was ready when I was born. In fact, I told her that I'd been having these "excitement attacks" while waiting for this appointment to arrive, and often felt that I'd explode if I didn't get T straightaway.

I suppose that she was also impressed that I'd resisted the urge to utilise "alternative methods" of accessing T, and instead wanted to do this "the right way". She suggested 3 weeks from yesterday, which reminded me that my birthday is coming in 4 weeks. She thought that it would be a significant event and that I should come after that, so I took a deep breath, hesitated for a few seconds, then said, "I think we should leave it to 5 weeks from [yesteray]. If I don't have any doubts in that time frame, then I know that I cannot possibly regret this decision." DOOFUS! =)

I'm not sure what the usual practice is, but I feel that she'd probably vouch for my candidacy for T therapy in her referral to the psych. At the very least she might refer me to one who's more empathetic and likely to help the cause. But of course, this is probably wishful thinking.

There were some things from yesterday's session that I'd wanted to note down in this blog, but I might leave them for another post later. For now, I'm going to enjoy my new tv for a while!

Posted in counselling, transition